I was wrong, how do I make it up? He didnt Lie!

peachyprice

jinky67 wrote: »

Maybe I have a skewed view because of my circumstances, but I dont think so, but I think the OP's hubby is good at making her feel like she has done wrong, while HE is the one doing it, even if its only little things, its the principle of the thing:cool:

Sorry, I think you're way off the mark with that comment, she DID do wrong, and he didn't, there was no him making her think anything.

She was so convinced that he was lying that she was hell bent on finding proof where there was none with her BT thingy , how is that making him her think she's done wrong?

euronorris

Littlemadam83 wrote: »

It is such a tough one as I can see both sides.

I accuse an innocent man for no apparent reason on something that doesnt OVERLY bother me.

Or

I have been lied to in the past over little and bigger things and am finding it hard to move on from that.

I dont know if there is a right or wrong answer, as such it is down to both of us to sort it out and maybe even get external help?

I've just advised myself

Hello again!

Sorry, I didn't make it back on last night. OH was ill and needed some TLC.

I'm glad he turned out to be telling the truth, even if that means he's angry at you for a while. At least he was honest, which is great.

However, whilst he was not in the wrong this time, he has lied in the past and has to accept that it will affect your trust in him for a while.

That said, there wasn't much more he could've done to prove his innocence to you and so his frustrations probably grew and grew and he's probably a bit stung at the lack of trust you have for him.

So, now for a way forward. Let him calm down, and he will. Once things are a bit calmer, approach him apologise for this incident (don't say 'but it was this that and the other') and about helping you to overcome your trust issues. Explain that as your trust was broken previously, you need help in rebuilding it and moving forward.

If you feel it necessary, then suggest counselling either for yourself or for both of you as a couple. This should let him know that you're serious about the apology and improving things.

indebtinsussex

If it was me, I would apologise one more time and then leave it at that, actually I wouldn't apologise anymore, I would go home and act like it never happened. Possibly cook him a nice meal and offer him marital favours if it will make you feel better! But I wouldn't keep bringing it up as its just going to drag out and cause resentment between the two of you

In the end both of you need to realise that you will face a hell of a lot worse than this in your marriage and you need to be a team otherwise you just wont survive.

Why this is all water under the bridge why dont you speak about getting a joint account because then at least you know exactly what is going in and out and you should avoid an arguement like this again in the future x

Littlemadam83

MackemDave - Jinky has read the whole thread and been supportive throughout. The part she is taking into consideration is the history of it all, and the fact there has been a breach of trust in the past.

I am all to blame on this, but it did start somewhere, and although I am not going to bring that up, it still really hurt me back then in which the scars are yet to heal 100%

indebtinsussex - thank you for your advice, I am going to leave him to it for now, and if anything changes in the way he is, as at the moment there are solid steel barriers, I will apologise and do things as you suggested, yesterday I bought him a nice tea and offered it to him, he did throw it back (not literally) in my face in which I left it and said it was his choice.

Joint account I am not overly keen on. Although we share our cash and alternate paying for eating out, treats etc, I like the fact that if I have worked so hard and got a good bit of commission then I can treat us to something nice, but also treat myself without the guilt of the money needs to go on something that he pays for. And likewise for him, we are in charge of half of the payments each, and we can enjoy together or seperately our earnings. It seems to work well at the moment, so rather not change it xxxx

GEEGEE8

I think you need to realise that every partnership falls apart sometimes, but it doesn't mean it's over.. especially not now that you are married! You need to work together and remember those vows you made.

It's a storm in a teacup, you doubted him and he doesn't like it.. although I hope he realises the reasons why you paniked and takes that on board.

Also, depo jabs are evil.. I am on them now and I'm 27yrs old.. When I was younger they gave me some awful mood swings.. and when I'm nearly due my next one I get all paranoid and wierd.. so if you have just come off it then that may be why! I also am gaining weight on it, just because I'm always eating! lol

Littlemadam83

Euronorris - Thank you for coming back and helping, i really appreciate it.

Your post is incredibly valid and the route I am going to take. He really was between a rock and a hard place as there was nothing he could really do to prove it.

I am so resisting the urge to email him, so posting on here is really helping. Keeping my fingers busy and a firm grip on things. Last night and this morning I found so frustrating seeing him not even acknowledge me it did make me angry, but I just got away from the situation in the hope he will calm down. I know if I hadnt posted on here then I would have definitely been more of a mess and probably made it 100 times worse.

xxxx

peachyprice

Littlemadam83 wrote: »

Joint account I am not overly keen on. Although we share our cash and alternate paying for eating out, treats etc, I like the fact that if I have worked so hard and got a good bit of commission then I can treat us to something nice, but also treat myself without the guilt of the money needs to go on something that he pays for. And likewise for him, we are in charge of half of the payments each, and we can enjoy together or seperately our earnings. It seems to work well at the moment, so rather not change it xxxx

I think a suggesting a joint bank account at this moment in time would be a seriously bad move, he would just see it that you wanted it to be able to keep tabs on him.

Your finances work well for you now, I agree best leave it be.

GEEGEE8

Don't contact him, he will want to talk to you sooner that way

euronorris

Littlemadam83 wrote: »

Euronorris - Thank you for coming back and helping, i really appreciate it.

Your post is incredibly valid and the route I am going to take. He really was between a rock and a hard place as there was nothing he could really do to prove it.

I am so resisting the urge to email him, so posting on here is really helping. Keeping my fingers busy and a firm grip on things. Last night and this morning I found so frustrating seeing him not even acknowledge me it did make me angry, but I just got away from the situation in the hope he will calm down. I know if I hadnt posted on here then I would have definitely been more of a mess and probably made it 100 times worse.

xxxx

I know it's hard, but leave it for now. Don't email, text or call him today. He wants space, so you need to give him some.

Concentrate on work, talk to your colleagues (and not just about this, talk about the football, the weather, the weekend, TV programmes, movies etc) and keep yourself busy.

My ex lied to me constantly, about little things, but also about bigger things, and it took me a long time to trust someone again. To start with, my OH only had to say something the wrong way and it would remind me of an incident with my ex and so I would become paranoid. But, OH was able to recognise this and we talked about it and he agreed to help me deal with it if I agreed not to jump in accusing him of stuff right away. Gradually, things started to improve, but I needed OH to help me with it, to understand that sometimes I just needed a little reassurance and a hug (goes a long way).

If you're both willing to work on it, it will improve.

xxx

pelirocco

Littlemadam83 wrote: »

MackemDave - Jinky has read the whole thread and been supportive throughout. The part she is taking into consideration is the history of it all, and the fact there has been a breach of trust in the past.

I am all to blame on this, but it did start somewhere, and although I am not going to bring that up, it still really hurt me back then in which the scars are yet to heal 100%


From what I have read he hasnt really done much in the past to warrant all this , and tbh if you are going to over react over every imagined little thing you will destroy your marriage .
Its very easy to be convinced that there is something seriously wrong with your relationship if you take advice on an internet forum , remember no one on here knows you or your husband so they aren't in a position to make judgements ( allthough they will ) Imagine how hurt you would be if you discovered your husband posted on a forum everytime something you did annoyed him , because as sure as eggs is eggs if he did that on here other posters ( probably the same ones lol )would be telling him how he is in the right and you are wrong . You really need to get a grip , there will be far more difficult challenges you will have to face as a married couple