I was wrong, how do I make it up? He didnt Lie!

paulrn_2

i feel sorry for him as well, I have been there and you can only stand defending yourself for so long before you realise that its time to go.

Littlemadam83

Thanks Poet - I think your option of learning not to react is going to be the way to go. I have totally handled yesterday in completely the wrong manor I am ashamed.

And to the posters after - i completely see, and agree where you are coming from. I am scared I have pushed him too far this time, and really think he might leave over it.

Am in work and near tears already, he wouldnt even acknowledge me this morning. Really think this has hurt him so much I have killed all or most of the love

paulrn_2

If you really can stop the mistrust show him this thread explain how you feel and agree a way ahead. then agree to both move on and don't look back. Good luck, I can be positive in saying he would not want you crying.

Tigsteroonie

Just give him time - a few days of quiet, don't push him to discuss this or your relationship, just carry on home life around him as normal. Men sulk for much longer than women. Don't open any conversation about what happened, leave it to him to talk about it if he wants, but you may find he just wants to forget about this episode - and he'll get annoyed if you want to harp on about it.

Believe me - voice of experience here

pulliptears

Littlemadam83 wrote: »

Thanks Poet - I think your option of learning not to react is going to be the way to go. I have totally handled yesterday in completely the wrong manor I am ashamed.

And to the posters after - i completely see, and agree where you are coming from. I am scared I have pushed him too far this time, and really think he might leave over it.

Am in work and near tears already, he wouldnt even acknowledge me this morning. Really think this has hurt him so much I have killed all or most of the love

I think you need to learn from your mistakes, and you seem to have from this, but you need to prove to him you have learned.

Certainly with my OH life was very difficult for some time because he could ask me the simplest question and I'd construe that as him digging for info because he didn't trust me. Its a natural state to get to when you have a partner who mistrusts, you read other things into everything they say, bit of a vicious circle.

If you can stop this now you can build a good relationship (OH and I split and started over again, the distrust was dealt with and things are brilliant now), but my OH was a lot worse than you hun

I think from my perspective Tigs advice is wrong, I don't think you should let things carry on. I think you need a good clear the air chat and explain to him why you felt like you did. Carrying on as normal would annoy me further I have to say.

I also don't think showing him this thread would be productive, he would feel awful knowing you shared your distrust with a forum. It would hurt his pride I think.

Have a good talk, apologise and make a vow to believe him in the future.
good luck

Littlemadam83

paulrn wrote: »

If you really can stop the mistrust show him this thread explain how you feel and agree a way ahead. then agree to both move on and don't look back. Good luck, I can be positive in saying he would not want you crying.

I could show him this thread, I think it will hurt him though as it just shows my absolute mistrust in him. I really really really do not know WHY I needed to doubt something so minor. It was really sweet what you said about him not wanting me to cry. At the moment, I am sure he wants me to be upset and "punish" me xxx

I know this is not an excuse but it could explain? I came off the depot injection (like the pill) and I do feel different in my moods etc, so am hoping it is hormones and will go away soon (not that I will doubt him again over something like this!). We arent planning on children, I was just putting alot of weight on with it and have been on it for years. Also with the wedding all being over now, what is the saying? The devil makes work for idle hands. If this had happened before the wedding I wouldnt have even fluttered an eye lid to him paying first thing in the morning. It is totally the way I am at the moment that has caused this and really need to sort myself out, I am just one big mess hey.

Tigsteroonie - thank you for your advice, I will definitely follow it. I am hoping in time he will start talking, even just anything. So will leave him to it for now even though it is killing me.

I am going to go round my parents tonight and pick up a few bits I have left there. Maybe meet my brother and see if he wants to do something, in the hope OH will get the space he needs and come to a decision. I am really expecting him to pack his bags and go one day soon, so am dreading going home. I really am xxxx

pulliptears

cross posted with you littlemadam lol

January20

You know, I think you should stop beating yourself up about it and think about why it happens and what you are going to do about the future from now on. I've read most of your posts (sorry long thread!) and from it I deduce 2 things: 1 is you hate people telling lies, even just exagerating, and 2 your husband has lied to you in the past, even when you had clear evidence he was so you've lost you trust in him. I'm with you on 1 and I think he only have himself to blame for 2.

Regarding this incident, if the credit card is in his sole name, then he is an adult and he has to be allowed to take responsibility for it. If he messes it up, he will have to suffer the consequences. It will only affect you if you have any fiancial product with him like a joint account. Take a step back. Don't even ask about payment, or interest or the balance. It's his card. Let him worry about it.

the_cat

Littlemadam83 wrote: »

Am in work and near tears already, he wouldnt even acknowledge me this morning. Really think this has hurt him so much I have killed all or most of the love

No you haven't! He is angry, that's all and that masks other emotions for a time. Anger is a fierce, fast burn emotion which will run it's course. The love you felt didn't go away before when he lied did it? No, you ended up marrying him!

Do not attempt to discuss it, apologise, text, email etc etc for now. He is too angry and will only see it as you continuing to 'get at' him for something he hasn't done. Wait a while and he will start to cool off. Unless he instigates a conversation about it, I would personally not want to discuss it with him again, apart from a proper apology once he is less angry and more able to 'hear' it. Otherwise he might feel he is being 'got at' for stuff which happened years ago

Instead maybe you need to focus on a more appropriate way of handling disagreements from now on. Never use email/voicemessage/text as this will often be misconscrued. Try (OMG I know it's hard!) not to jump to conclusions and remember..

amateur detective work leads to amateur results!

Hope he has cooled off and you have a better evening today!

jinky67

pulliptears wrote: »

there is nothing in this world worse than knowing you have/havent done something but having a partner with issues who refuses to believe that.

Its little things like this, blown out of all proportion that came very close to destroying my marriage.

very true Pullip, and it did destroy my relationship:(

pulliptears wrote: »

Certainly with my OH life was very difficult for some time because he could ask me the simplest question and I'd construe that as him digging for info because he didn't trust me. Its a natural state to get to when you have a partner who mistrusts, you read other things into everything they say, bit of a vicious circle.

If you can stop this now you can build a good relationship (OH and I split and started over again, the distrust was dealt with and things are brilliant now), but my OH was a lot worse than you hun

Again also true, and its not a nice play to be when you are on the receiving end of it, certainly wasn't in my case.

I can see however, where the OP is coming from, its all the little things that build up, silly little lies over time, do lead to a lack of trust. That also is not a nice place to be either, it makes you wonder what else they are lying about constantly:cool: