If its not one thing its your Mother...

margaretclare

patchwork_cat wrote: »

Moaning I can understand as I get older I am getting more moany and more a grumpy old woman. I see SO much incompetence, seriously all the time. Some of it is about tolerance, but I find I only have so much tolerance. I can see that by the time I am old I will be really grumpy!

Heavens, yes. And the stink of fast foods floating down from the pub at the end of the road, and the way people dress, the ugly clothes, children standing on chairs in church where people have to sit, and parents don't check them - I could go on.

However making things up or ringing at 2 am isn't on (if you are ill call an ambulance).

The only time I have EVER phoned someone for help during the night was when I got a phone call from the hospital to say DH was seriously ill and was being transferred to Critical Care. Previously our church minister had told me that if I ever needed her during the night not to hesitate but to call her - she would come to the hospital to be with me. I didn't think it was very likely, thanked her, but then - it happened. This was approx 1 am, and she met me at the hospital. I don't know what I'd have done without her. The previous night, I had called 999 at 3 am because I realised that DH was getting worse - I didn't know why. In fact he was sliding into a hyperglycaemic coma and this was all triggered by a severe knee infection which went to septicaemia.

*Louise*

^^Nothing wrong with ringing someone if there really is a problem.

Steel_2

Op - it sounds like your mother might have narcissistic tendencies.

You can never win. Their behaviour is dreadful but they believe it is every one else, not them. They have no capacity to really think about any else but themselves.

Has she always been a bit like this from when you were a child or is this something that has developed over the last few years?

My father has always been a narcissist - we think - from about the age of 7 or 8 if family are to be believed. That's the family that still talk to us who he hasn't succeeded in driving away that is.

Deep_In_Debt

I don't like my mum very much but we are making an effort to get on since my dad died which was 12 years ago...yes, it's taking that amount of time for me to even tolerate her. We will never be close, too much water under the bridge now but at least my mother is civil to me now. My brother lives abroad so she only has me and I don't live that close so I guess she's realised she has no-one else.

My mum is 76, I'm 44. Mum had a terrible childhood; her mother was horrid to her throughout her childhood and favoured her brother...history repeating itself, sadly. My grandmother and grandfather on my mum's side died before I was born. Mum was closer to her dad who died when she was young...and I think my mum was jealous that I was very close to my dad...well, I didn't have much of a choice!

My brother is a bit older than me and when I was taking my O'Levels, she decided to b*gger off to Japan for a year and leave me to look after my sick and disabled dad, something my uncles and aunts have never forgiven her for. She had always regarded me as stupid and told me I was...but considering I was caring for my dad instead of studying for my O'Levels, I think I did quite well to get 8 of them at grade A's & B's!

My mother has always been bitter and always will be...I just live with it now, it's her problem, not mine.

Snuggles

readytoscream wrote: »

(long time poster but Im hiding my ID)

My father died 2 1/2 years ago and she is on her own, fair enough I made allowances for that.

This jumped out at me from the OPs post. Obviously, we have no idea what kind of relationship the OP's mother and father had, but they had presumably been together for many years.

I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to build a life with someone, share their hopes and dreams, watch your children grow up together, laugh together, love together, year after year, and then to lose that person. It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

Various posters have said the OP's mother can't possibly be lonely as she has so many visitors to the house. I can only assume that the people saying that are lucky enough to have never known real loneliness. People may be dropping in all the time, but presumably at the end of the day, they go back to their own homes and lives, and the OP's mother is left alone, without the person she shared her life with. I may be wrong, but I imagine this must be achingly lonely.

I'm not saying there is anyting the OP can do about this, and I appreciate it must be very draining and frustrating, but perhaps this isn't just a selfish, nasty old woman, but an incredibly lonely one.

flossy_splodge

Snuggles wrote: »

This jumped out at me from the OPs post. Obviously, we have no idea what kind of relationship the OP's mother and father had, but they had presumably been together for many years.

I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to build a life with someone, share their hopes and dreams, watch your children grow up together, laugh together, love together, year after year, and then to lose that person. It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

Various posters have said the OP's mother can't possibly be lonely as she has so many visitors to the house. I can only assume that the people saying that are lucky enough to have never known real loneliness. People may be dropping in all the time, but presumably at the end of the day, they go back to their own homes and lives, and the OP's mother is left alone, without the person she shared her life with. I may be wrong, but I imagine this must be achingly lonely.

I'm not saying there is anyting the OP can do about this, and I appreciate it must be very draining and frustrating, but perhaps this isn't just a selfish, nasty old woman, but an incredibly lonely one.

You're probably right but I also know that in the case of some, my father being one, after a life time of abusing people's kindness he IS now alone and he only has himself to blame.
He even complains that my mum was selfish to leave him, he wanted to be the one to go first!! I kid you not!
Sometimes, what goes round comes round.:eek:

patchwork_cat

flossy_splodge wrote: »

You're probably right but I also know that in the case of some, my father being one, after a life time of abusing people's kindness he IS now alone and he only has himself to blame.
He even complains that my mum was selfish to leave him, he wanted to be the one to go first!! I kid you not!
Sometimes, what goes round comes round.:eek:

The feeling that the person who died is selfish is not uncommon. Obviously mostly death is not a choice, but there is still that part of grief where you feel they left me. I can understand the wanting to go first - maybe that is selfish, but I think I would rather go first. Grief is an awful thing and I don't want to experience it again. I can imagine that I might well be awful if my OH dies before me.

There are a lot of attention seeking people out there, I am probably one and my SIL is definitely and when they no longer have the person that gives them attention, then they could be quite demanding when not getting their own way. Personally I wouldn't lie and would like to think that I will keep common sense and remember that my children have lives too. However may be I have insight into myself my SIL doesn't.

margaretclare

I can't even begin to imagine what it is like to build a life with someone, share their hopes and dreams, watch your children grow up together, laugh together, love together, year after year, and then to lose that person. It breaks my heart just thinking about it.

As I've often said, it's not something I'd wish on my worst enemy. For me, it coincided with redundancy. I could have become quite bitter - 'that's what you get for working in a caring profession'. My boss, who was in process of making me redundant, actually attended his funeral.

However, making excuses about 'she must be lonely' evades the real issue. No matter HOW lonely someone is, there is NO excuse for behaviour as described in post # 1 of this thread.

I have been so lonely you wouldn't believe. I think the loneliest I've ever been was the Christmas of 1992. Widowed and redundant in the spring of that year, the first Christmas I was ever alone, unexpectedly back from a job in the Middle East ( couldn't stand it!!) and the first thing I had to deal with was a freezing cold house because boiler broke down, effectively wiping out all I'd earned. Everyone else had 'made other arrangements' and all I could think of doing was going to help in a homeless shelter on Christmas Day. It struck me very forcibly that by another Christmas, unless I found a realistic way of paying the mortgage, I'd more than likely be joining these poor people.

That's 'lonely'. Been there. Still never behaved as the OP describes her mother behaving.

gratefulforhelp_2

Hugs for the OP. Unfortunately I think people can become increasingly cantankerous as they get older. I think its fair enough, as there are lots of reasons why life isn't as much fun, esp after a bereavement.

My MIL is the most complaining, cantankerous and attention seeking intolerant. My mum is getting the same way.

I would try and find a middle ground where you can give her some care and attention (to keep your consicence clear) and still keep your sanity.

Could you turn down the ringer on your 'phone when you go to bed?

Good luck!

Snuggles

margaretclare wrote: »

As I've often said, it's not something I'd wish on my worst enemy. For me, it coincided with redundancy. I could have become quite bitter - 'that's what you get for working in a caring profession'. My boss, who was in process of making me redundant, actually attended his funeral.

However, making excuses about 'she must be lonely' evades the real issue. No matter HOW lonely someone is, there is NO excuse for behaviour as described in post # 1 of this thread.

I have been so lonely you wouldn't believe. I think the loneliest I've ever been was the Christmas of 1992. Widowed and redundant in the spring of that year, the first Christmas I was ever alone, unexpectedly back from a job in the Middle East ( couldn't stand it!!) and the first thing I had to deal with was a freezing cold house because boiler broke down, effectively wiping out all I'd earned. Everyone else had 'made other arrangements' and all I could think of doing was going to help in a homeless shelter on Christmas Day. It struck me very forcibly that by another Christmas, unless I found a realistic way of paying the mortgage, I'd more than likely be joining these poor people.

That's 'lonely'. Been there. Still never behaved as the OP describes her mother behaving.

Whilst I have complete respect and admiration for the fact that you obvioulsy managed to somehow cope with the cards life dealt you, that's you, and not everyone is the same.

I didn't actually say in my post that loneliness is an excuse for the OP's mother's behaviour, I said it is a possible explanation.