If its not one thing its your Mother...

euronorris

Person_one wrote: »

Children don't ask to exist. Parents owe it to their children to keep them safe, healthy and to try their best to raise them well, children don't owe their parents anything in return for this.

I both love and like my parents, if they need my help as they get older I will offer it, but if they treated me badly I wouldn't feel any obligation just because they donated DNA.

Most women are capable of being mothers, and contrary to popular culture, it doesn't make them all saints.

I have to disagree with you here. I understand your viewpoint, but if my parents treated me badly, I'd still be there for them. But....that is because they have been wonderful parents all my life and I know that there must be a reason behind it (be that mental health issues or emotional upset that they take out on me). Is it fair? No. But they're my family and they've been there for me through thick and thin so they'll get the same from me in return.

If they had been awful, emotionally or physically abusive all of my life then no, I wouldn't feel any obligation to them at all.

paddy's_mum

'Is it wrong to dislike your mother?'

Nope ... and some of them work extremely hard to make it come to pass!

Person_one

euronorris wrote: »

I have to disagree with you here. I understand your viewpoint, but if my parents treated me badly, I'd still be there for them. But....that is because they have been wonderful parents all my life and I know that there must be a reason behind it (be that mental health issues or emotional upset that they take out on me). Is it fair? No. But they're my family and they've been there for me through thick and thin so they'll get the same from me in return.

If they had been awful, emotionally or physically abusive all of my life then no, I wouldn't feel any obligation to them at all.

Maybe I worded it badly, because I was trying to say exactly that. My mum has snapped at me on occasion because something else was stressing her out, and all families have disagreements but that's not the kind of 'bad treatment' I meant.

I meant if they had treated me badly for a prolonged period of time or had not been good loving parents to me.

It sounds like the OP has had to deal with selfish and uncaring behaviour from her mother for a long time, this isn't a one off.

margaretclare

closed wrote: »

You said mum hasn't always been like this, so something has changed. She is coming up with imaginary problems, wants to install an alarm system, yet you discount any age, mental, depression, loneliness issues. You can be surrounded by people, and still feel lonely.

Her husband has recently died, she lives alone, and she wants to maintain contact with her only child, doesn't like being harassed by telesales people, sounds normal to me.

She can't help her behaviour, no-one can, it changes over time, it doesn't need a label or diagnosis, it just is

She's nearing the end of her life, so manage the burden and strike a balance, rather than cut her out completely, you may be in exactly the same state of mind in 30 years, and your kids could be too busy to care or understand what is going on in your head.

No, I'm sorry. I can't agree with all of this.

I'm a couple of years older than the OP's mother. I've been widowed and I agree, it's not something I'd wish on my worst enemy, but....

I was made redundant coincidental with widowhood and I had to struggle to keep the roof above my head. I've also had the dreadful experience of losing my younger daughter. I've been through some things in my time....BUT there is no excuse for the kind of things that were described in post #1. None at all.

One thing you wrote above I do agree with: you can be in the midst of crowds of people and still feel alone. But is that something that other people - sons/daughters - can do anything about? I suppose I'm fairly lucky (?) in that I'm fairly self-sufficient, a bit of a loner really. So is my DH, which is maybe one of the reasons why we get on together so well. We have disabilities, but we don't let them get us down. Doesn't sound as though the OP's mum has any physical limitations - she potters in the garden etc (one thing that we're increasingly unable to do). Yes, she's getting older - I don't know anyone who is getting any younger (silly remark that you often hear) but then, life is still good, and as Woody Allen said, it's a darned sight better than the alternative. Can't offer any helpful suggestions to her - if I did, she'd likely have a reason why not, like going to meet the people at the community centre on the council estate. DH and I know a lot of people who say they have problems - if we suggest what they might do about them, there are always a long list of reasons why not. So we give up and just let them get on with it.

flossy_splodge

I'm so sorry for the OP.
I felt like this about my mother until about 18 months before she died.
She had been disgusting to me since Iwas about 15.
I decided to be proactive and asked her what I had done that caused her to dislike me so much.
Not only did she NOT deny that she disliked me she said it was because I never needed her!!
Talk about chicken and egg!
She never knew just how much I DID need her and felt the lack of a mother in my life.
Anyway, we came to an understanding and at least I had about 18 months of a calm and loving relationship before she died suddenly and unexpectedly.
So all I offer is we all have our own perceptions of what behaviour we have a right to expect, trouble is it often doesn't match with the expectations of others!
Now just my father is alive and OMG:eek:, there's a nasty nasty man yet still I feel an obligation to provide support.
Maybe we're just loopy!
I have tried so hard to be better with my own two dearly beloved daughters but like margaret clare, I doubt they see it that way.
Let's all accept that we do the best we can and that's ok.
We don't have to be perfect. That piece of knowledge has been a life saver for me with my father.:eek::rotfl:
Good luck to the OP.

patchwork_cat

margaretclare wrote: »

DH and I know a lot of people who say they have problems - if we suggest what they might do about them, there are always a long list of reasons why not. So we give up and just let them get on with it.

This is so true, I wonder why? I have a friend for example who is getting divorced and really struggling with money. I have suggested this site on a regular basis over the years, but increasingly recently. WIll she come her, will she do a money makeover, will she even move her gas and electricity unless it is someone that collars her at the door, no. WHy? She has seen Martin do makeovers and one were they saved £1K and was impressed and said I could do with that, but she won't do it.:mad: ( confused smillie more apt!)

To the OP - don't look for a part time job to accomodate your mum unless it suits you. I would say if she was your child you are rewarding her bad behaviour and thrashing by giving her attention. To even consider working part time shows me that her behaviour is having the desired response. Attention and you dancing to her tune.

STOP DANCING, SAY NO

Yes you will have guilt all parents know this guilt... when we have to make our 17 year old iron his own shirt for work placement, even after they have been told the night before, frequently and still haven't done it by 8 am because they hope someone else will do it - you don't do it and feel guilt, anger, frustration etc. ( yes I am speaking from experience this monrning!!)

euronorris

patchwork_cat wrote: »

This is so true, I wonder why? I have a friend for example who is getting divorced and really struggling with money. I have suggested this site on a regular basis over the years, but increasingly recently. WIll she come her, will she do a money makeover, will she even move her gas and electricity unless it is someone that collars her at the door, no. WHy? She has seen Martin do makeovers and one were they saved £1K and was impressed and said I could do with that, but she won't do it.:mad: ( confused smillie more apt!)

I know soooo many people like that. I've usually found that it stems from their parents, and their partners, doing everything for them. They become lazy and reliant on others. And when it's been that way their entire lives, to do it any other way is completely alien to them.

And then of course, there are those who never learn from their mistakes. Like an old friend of mine who is disasterous at dating! Sleeping with the guys on the first date, divulging her life story (trust me, it's too much to hear on a first date!), calling and texting them 20-30 odd times a day and more if they don't immediately respond. Then asks 'Why can't I get a boyfriend?'. So many of us tried to explain what NOT to do but it fell on deaf ears because 'But it felt right at the time' or 'But he was so into me though!'. Of course he was, he was about to get laid.

She stopped talking to me about 6 months after I met my OH as I had refused to go speed dating with her since I met my OH! As I understand it, she's still single and still asking why.

wannabe_sybil

My little boy is three and a half, so I suppose I am writing on a theoretical basis. But he will owe me nothing. When he is older, if he chooses to visit that will be wonderful, but it is not my right. When he marries, his wife and family MUST come first. I will not expect him to do anything as a 'right' or a 'duty'.

I hope that if I have done a good job bring him up then he will want to see me, talk to me, help me out, but I have no right to anything. I will have had my life and he should be enjoying his.

A family is not blessed with children so that the parent can extort labour or money. Children are an opportunity to love. Their life is now starting out, and parents should not put obstacles in their way.

It is not compulsory to like anyone. People are people and some are horrible (and some are absolutely wonderful, including so many on here) and I think one of the signs of growing up is seeing your parents as people instead of just parents with their own strengths and weaknesses.

*Louise*

I don't think it's wrong to dislike your mother...some make it difficult to like them.

I'm fine with my own mother, but she has a terrible time with my Nan. My mum takes her out twice a week for all her shopping and gets moaned at from the second my nan steps in the car. She is never happy about anything.

She is a bit of an attention seeker as well, many a time my mum has had phone calls at 2 or 3 in the morning where my nan declares she is seriously ill, only for my mum to rush her to hospital and find out its anxiety pains or something similar.

She is a very selfish person - she got a big payout when my grandad died 2 years ago (£37k I think) the third of the kind since he retired as a miner and she has blown the lot on holidays, bingo 7 nights a weeks and drinking. Now, I don't care how someone spends their own money...but the fact she didn't even save any to pay for my grandads headstone really annoys me :mad: My mum is now trying to pay for it herself.

Tis true what they say....you can't pick your family.....I told my mum if she starts getting moany at me like her mum does she can mump to herself cos we will be moving :D

patchwork_cat

Moaning I can understand as I get older I am getting more moany and more a grumpy old woman. I see SO much incompetence, seriously all the time. Some of it is about tolerance, but I find I only have so much tolerance. I can see that by the time I am old I will be really grumpy! However making things up or ringing at 2 am isn't on (if you are ill call an ambulance) . Although I have anxiety at the moment and believe me you really feel ill. When the heart starts racing etc.