If its not one thing its your Mother...

Francophile

I don't hate my mother but I couldn't spens more than a couple of days in her company. She;d drive me crazy. They get to an age where they think they can say or do whatever they kike regardless of how hurtful it is. My MIL was a complete witch for most of mymarried life but was very ill for the last last couple of years. I have to say it broke my heart watching her deteriorate and no matter how much I didn't like her I didn't like watching her die. It made me think how I'd feel ifmy mother dies and I've been a lot tolerant since.

fedupnow

I don't like my Mum very much. I feel very guilty about it. I don't know why as I don't think she would give two hoots.

I am in my 40s and still made to feel like I should be grateful for her giving birth to me. She did raise me and stuff ... but I was a kid, I had no choice but to rely on my parents did I?

Take note people - love for your kids is supposed to be unconditional. I swear I will never hold my kids to emotional ransom the way my mother does me. They don't owe me anything.

Bananabelly

It is amazing how much we want our parent's approval, even if they are horrible to us and we don't like them very much. It is very much ingrained in just about everyone to want to please their parents, and that is what you're doing - and she is taking advantage of it by manipulating you and demanding your attention, then never approving of your actions and trying to force you to work ever harder to gain her approval. You might think you don't, but you do - this stuff wouldn't get to you if you didn't want her approval.

The thing is, we don't need their approval and a person can live very happily without it - once I realised this it was such a weight off my shoulders. I still find myself starting to play those games sometimes, and when I realise it I step back, think about what's happening and realise I don't care if she disapproves of me. It makes no difference to my life and doesn't make me a bad person (like I used to think it did!). It is a magical feeling.

hudilin

We all have complains about our mom,i do not like my mother too sometimes,especial she keeps garring without any stops!But whatever,she is still my mom!
Suffer it!

icelandic_queen

I don't like my mum very much either and I'm at the end of my tether with her. My dad has a terminal illness but al she has done is moan, even though I've now become his carer and she doesn't have to lift a finger. The 'golden child' in my family ie my brother has got her into financial difficulties again and of course I've had to come to the rescue and lend her my redundancy money. I got a thanks and a promise to pay it back but I've just found out that he's booked a holiday and it's ok with her!!! I got the usual, oh he's very down, he's lost his job, etc from her but I've had enough and I've just realised that I've been made to feel guilty all my life by her and I don't like her very much at all. When I get another job I am seriously going to look at moving away, cos all I've done is cry at the way she has treated me! I do love her , but I just don't like her very much!

BinkyTheHorse

After 36 years of being told I wasn't good enough, having been criticised for everything from my choice of husband (he is the kindest, most loving husband and father but she is embarrased of him as he is several years older than me) to the fact that my parenting is awful as my kids don't spend hours on Facebook or trying to get into pubs underage "like normal kids". After 36 years of being constantly told that I wasn't at all attractive as I wasn't as slim as / pretty as / had as many boyfriends as my sister, the playing me off against my sister, other family members being shocked by what she has said behind my back, her smacking my kids against my wishes, her repeating everything I told her in confidence to someone and finding it amusing to do this in front of me.......

I could go on and on.....

After 36 years of c**p, something snapped - I was pushed too far and decided that was it, I just couldn't do it anymore. I haven't seen or spoken to her for over three years and they have been the most peaceful, relaxed and stress free years of my entire life. I still get nasty texts from her but I no longer care and when I replace my phone with a new one I will not be giving her my new number.

I don't think it is wrong to dislike your mother, or any other family member. Just because someone is family does not give them the right to treat you like dirt and not respect your thoughts and feelings.

A poster above said how you should suffer it because she is still your mum. I strongly disagree with that, it is a comment from someone who cannot possibly have lost their self esteem from their own mothers hurtfull words nor suffered a sad, depressed childhood due to their mothers behaviour towards them.

Good luck with whatever choices you make, OP.

OrkneyStar

You can love someone, but you don't have to like them!
She is your mother, there will always be a biological bond, perhaps an emotional one, but you don't have to be at her beck and call ?
Is there any obvious reason why she is like this ? Is she insecure ? Do you have kids- if so what is she like with them ?
My mum lives 300 miles away (I moved not her) and was just up for DS's birthday- DS loved it and I loved having her around (she baby sat a couple of times for us too which was nice!), but by the end of the week it was starting to grate....I had to initiate everything and plan everything (she is like this at her house a bit too or if we go out for the day somewhere she knows as well as me!).....still she is my mum and I accept she has faults just like me! Seems yours is OTT though....hugs x

readytoscream

thanks all. Ill give a little more info.

Firstly Closed, she is neither lonely nor confused. She has a Brother, sister and a few friends in the local area, none of whom she will have that much to do with. She is 100% mentally sound believe me, she has to be to think up some of the things she does (she went through a phase if me and OH didn't drop everything and go over there she would call a tradesman instead one time calling in an electrician to turn on the central heating. Of course she knew full well how to do it, has been doing it for years but she claimed it 'wasn't working'. Whether she thought calling in workers and paying would bother me I don't know, but it stopped when I started giving the reply of "better call the plumber/sparky/gasman then")

There are plenty of opportunities for her to be social, but again she is rude. Around the corner from her, literally a 2 minute walk is an ex council depot now run by local residents, most of whom are of similar age and most of whom she knows. Her reasons for refusing to go range from 'they don't wash!' to 'I'm not eating their food!'. Of course these are all perfectly normal people, but all of a sudden she has developed a severe intolerance of anyone in social housing on that estate. Reminding her she herself lives in an ex council property after her and Dad bought it in the 80's is pointless.

her intolerance doesn't just stretch to me, in recent months she has shouted rudely at telesales people, door to door callers and some poor woman in the bakers who rightly pointed out Mum had just walked straight to the front of a ten person queue.

The really scary thing is, the more I see her the more I can see my Gran who was just the same. Mum hasn't always been like this, and I used to enjoy being with her and going shopping etc. Now I go out of my way to avoid it.

euronorris

closed wrote: »

Ever been lonely, old, maybe confused?

She looked after you as a child when she probably didn't feel up to it, now it's your turn.

The examples quoted are hardly the end of the world, she's your mum, if you don't want to or can't go around, say no, or explain why.

I have to agree.

OP, from what you wrote it sounds like your mother is desparately lonely and inventing excuses to see you. Do you visit her often outside of these 'issues'? If not, she may feel it's the only way she can spend time with you. And if that is how she feels, then she's probably also angry about it. She spent X amount of years bringing you up, putting up with toddler tantrums, teenage tantrums, broken hearts etc etc and now she wants a little of that in return.

As for the comment towards your mother in law, that could be jealously. Do you get on well with your MIL? Or spend more time with her?

What does your Mum do to occupy her day? Does she keep busy? Does she have friends? If not, perhaps you could encourage her to join some local groups and offer to take her each week, or offer to spend an evening or two with her each week. You may find that things improve after this.

My Grandma was much the same, and paranoid with it, so it got worse over time, despit ethe fact that she was living with my parents for the last 4-5 years of her life. My Mum was there most of the time, taking her out etc etc, but she would panic whenever she was left alone for a few hours. But it was all born out of loneliness and a little bit to do with generation differences.

It drove us all crazy, especially my Mum, but my God we miss her now, and we'd put up with it all over again if it meant we could see and talk to her some more!

euronorris

Just saw your update.

If these are recent changes in her personality, then something is going on. Whether that is something she is just angry about, but hasn't talked about yet, or if it is just old age, or possibly dementia setting in.

Is dementia possible? Your Grandma was also like this you said. Might be worth getting checked out.