Caring for elderly friend who won't get help.

Brighton_belle

Errata wrote: »

Kitty - it sounds like she may be very frightened now she's facing up to what she can do and what she really can't manage. Humans, like any other animal, attack when they're frightened. Doesn't mean the snaps and bites don't hurt, but perhaps there but for good fortune go many of us.

She may well be frightened (and I have been in a simpilar situation and yes, it is scary), but she is just defaulting to her base position as a manipulator who enjoys twisting the knife of guilt in someone 'weaker' - it's a form of bullying.

The OP needs to stop making herself ill by going in everyday: well done OP for realising the longer this goes on, the longer she is not getting the level of help she needs.:T

Steel_2

I'm sorry but this woman would get it very bluntly from me: stop being a b*tch or your nastiness will see you on your own. Just because she's old doesn't mean she's not capable of inflicting emotional distress and pain. As she has clearly demonstrated. Why allow someone to keep on kicking you?

Until you face up to bullies and manipulators they never stop. They know sooner or later they'll wear you down. In this case she'll get her servant back.

Zazen999

KittyBoo wrote: »

I just need to take the plunge and tell her I will not be coming round except to do her shopping.
She has been particularly spiteful today and it is clear that she is having a go at me.
She says things like "you can't rely on anyone these days" or peolple pretend they're nice but underneath they are all the same"
I have been to the Drs today and have got tablets for labyrinthitus so I can do without her attitude.
I know it's my own fault for not saying enough is enough but I can't seem to do it.
She is very clever at this manipulation game and I fall for it every time.

I'm afraid that I'd be coming back to her with 'well, if you feel that way then I won't EVEN do your shopping'...and just leave.

What good will it do if you are too ill to enjoy your own life or end up in your sick bed through doing too much?

As various people have said, if you continue to do this then she will not get the help that she needs.

If you can't be blunt, then just say 'for your own good, so that you can get the help that you so desperately need, I won't be around apart from with mum on a Sunday'...and just go.

margaretclare

Kittyboo, if she comes out with more of those nasty remarks, in your shoes I think I would be tempted to retaliate with a little of your own e.g. 'after all I've done for you I don't deserve that'.

As I've said before, when people lose all power and influence, become infirm and incapable, the one thing they retain is that nasty tongue.

I used to have to put up with it in the 'black years' when I couldn't get any other work and had to go away living with old people in their own homes. In your position, you don't HAVE to put up with it. And you shouldn't.

KittyBoo_2

What a difference a bit of straight talking does.
I did get into a few heated discussions with her over the last few days and we have now got things in the open.
She says she thought I was trying to get Social Services in because I was fed up with her but couldn't tell her.
I repeated that the arrangement was never meant to be permanant and that I had helped for longer than was intended.
She agreed that that was the arrangement and was grateful for what I had done.
She also said that she knew I would only be popping in occassionally and that she appreciated that.
She is trying to give me cash now to say thanks but I won't take it.
I'm just happy that things are sorted and that I am getting my life back.
I used some of your suggestions when speaking with her and it made me smile knowing that I had the support of MSE'rs.
Thankyou all very much.:A

daska

KittyBoo wrote: »

What a difference a bit of straight talking does.
I did get into a few heated discussions with her over the last few days and we have now got things in the open.
She says she thought I was trying to get Social Services in because I was fed up with her but couldn't tell her.
I repeated that the arrangement was never meant to be permanant and that I had helped for longer than was intended.
She agreed that that was the arrangement and was grateful for what I had done.
She also said that she knew I would only be popping in occassionally and that she appreciated that.
She is trying to give me cash now to say thanks but I won't take it.
I'm just happy that things are sorted and that I am getting my life back.
I used some of your suggestions when speaking with her and it made me smile knowing that I had the support of MSE'rs.
Thankyou all very much.:A

Well, she was right wasn't she? You were fed up with her... manipulating and bullying you!

I'm glad it's working out now

:beer:

Primrose

Glad you've managed to resolve the situation. It can't have been pleasant with that nasty atmosphere hanging over you. Now your friend has had time to get her thoughts together, hopefully she now knows that she must get other help in. If another incident occurs, I'd be inclined to let Social Services have the first bite at the cherry and let any help you're prepared to offer as very much an occasional filling-in service. I think you were right not to take the cash. It would only have made you feel under some kind of moral obligation again and that's exactly what you're trying to avoid.

Arthurian

KittyBoo wrote: »

What a difference a bit of straight talking does.
I did get into a few heated discussions with her over the last few days and we have now got things in the open.
She says she thought I was trying to get Social Services in because I was fed up with her but couldn't tell her.
I repeated that the arrangement was never meant to be permanant and that I had helped for longer than was intended.
She agreed that that was the arrangement and was grateful for what I had done.
She also said that she knew I would only be popping in occassionally and that she appreciated that.
She is trying to give me cash now to say thanks but I won't take it.
I'm just happy that things are sorted and that I am getting my life back.
I used some of your suggestions when speaking with her and it made me smile knowing that I had the support of MSE'rs.
Thankyou all very much.:A

Sorry, but I bet she will be telling everyone else how much you have made her suffer. (Not that you have, of course, but this way she gets sympathetic attention.) Get the truth out to her friends before your reputation is irreparably damaged. Of course, if she has had a miraculous conversion from the manipulative and selfish person she was, then there's no harm done getting the truth out there, either.

KittyBoo_2

Arthurian wrote: »

Sorry, but I bet she will be telling everyone else how much you have made her suffer. (Not that you have, of course, but this way she gets sympathetic attention.) Get the truth out to her friends before your reputation is irreparably damaged. Of course, if she has had a miraculous conversion from the manipulative and selfish person she was, then there's no harm done getting the truth out there, either.

You are right.
The window cleaner told me that she had said she had been abandoned and when someone jokingly asked about "the carer" she replied "she's stopped caring".
Fortunately my family have lived round here for years and are known for helping people out.
Also when she was in hospital, I went round twice a day to see to her cat and make sure everything was ok.
Her neighbours saw me and said what a lucky woman she was having a friend like me.
Strangely enough, she doesn't really have any friends.
Today has been the first day that I haven't been round and it has been BLISS.
I will go less and less now until I get it back to where it was before.
Thanks again.
I know where to come if I need a hand sorting things out.
You are all stars.:A
xx

RAS

Glad you are manging this more effectively.

I hope that you told the window cleaner that she had unilaterally decided that you were looking after her, without consulting you?