Caring for elderly friend who won't get help.

daska

Write her a letter. Give it to her when you visit. Explain that you were happy to provide some help for a couple of weeks but that continuing would be at the expense of your own health. Tell her that you are very upset at her attempts to blackmail you into caring for her long-term. Tell her that you are very happy to help her arrange alternative care with the relevant authorities but that if she refuses this offer of help then you will not visit again.

She can't blackmail a letter or whine at it or make it feel bad. She can only read what it says and choose to act appropriately or not.

Then ring SS and her GP and tell them that you are no longer caring for her and that she is on her own.

Sagaris

Do you need to visit her on Sundays with your Mum? I'd certainly not go this week, after that expert display of manipulation yesterday! If you do go tomorrow, she will think you don't mind what she said, and will carry on.

I'd bite the bullet and show her that type of behaviour is not on - stay away now and ring the Matron first thing on Monday - good luck!

thorsoak

Write a letter to the Community Matron, expressing your concern that your elderly friend has told the CM that you are able to do far more for her than you can do.

Let the CM know that the situation is not as your elderly friend tells it.

Gazing_On_Sunsets

Just want to say - big hugs to you. You MUST look after yourself, as every one else has said. But I do know how hard this is.

My brother has had a lot of health problems - physical paralysis and mental health issues too. When he was in his 20's, he was getting more and more ill, but he wasn't getting any help because he wasn't asking hospital/social services for it and I ended up in debt as I was looking after him and trying to work too... I got very ill... and in the end I was unable to support him. He was living in a grotty flat and he was evicted and finally declared homeless - this was the most awful time, I thought I'd drown in guilt - but social services kicked in and NOW he is in his own house, well looked after and in hindsight, it was the best thing to have happened. But my god, I STILL feel guilty even though it all had to happen as it did. But it just sounds so callous and heartless.

So I am really with you on this - but things will be ok, they really will. My mum used to say "look after number 1" which I used to dismiss as selfish, but now I see that I am no use to anyone if I am in bits. And the same goes for you.

Another thing springs to mind as I read your posts... I hope I do not offend anyone with this - but there is a bit of a stereotypical idea in society of the "nice old lady" and sometimes we see older people as somehow "good" and even more innocent, coming from a "better" generation. But people are people are people regardless of age... it is not a pleasant thought that an older or a vulnerable member of society might actually NOT be a nice person. But anyone is capable of being selfish or just, you know...ick.

KittyBoo_2

Gazing_On_Sunsets wrote: »

Just want to say - big hugs to you. You MUST look after yourself, as every one else has said. But I do know how hard this is.

My brother has had a lot of health problems - physical paralysis and mental health issues too. When he was in his 20's, he was getting more and more ill, but he wasn't getting any help because he wasn't asking hospital/social services for it and I ended up in debt as I was looking after him and trying to work too... I got very ill... and in the end I was unable to support him. He was living in a grotty flat and he was evicted and finally declared homeless - this was the most awful time, I thought I'd drown in guilt - but social services kicked in and NOW he is in his own house, well looked after and in hindsight, it was the best thing to have happened. But my god, I STILL feel guilty even though it all had to happen as it did. But it just sounds so callous and heartless.


Another thing springs to mind as I read your posts... I hope I do not offend anyone with this - but there is a bit of a stereotypical idea in society of the "nice old lady" and sometimes we see older people as somehow "good" and even more innocent, coming from a "better" generation. But people are people are people regardless of age... it is not a pleasant thought that an older or a vulnerable member of society might actually NOT be a nice person. But anyone is capable of being selfish or just, you know...ick.

.
Drowning in guilt is a good way of describing it.
I have stayed away today and will go at the agreed time of 3.30.
She has not rung me so that is a good sign.
I think she will be sulking now but her stubborn streak might have kicked in.
Thanks for your replies.
They are really helpful and I don't feel as selfish and guilty after reading your comments.

whiteguineapig

try not to feel guilty , i am wondering what your mum thinks ? (editing to add that i think you are doing the right thing by staying away, you did say at one point that you wondered how much she could actually do herself , i would let her do things herself, you must put yourself first)
(and i bet you have been worrying about this all day)

KittyBoo_2

I thought I would update on the situation.
I went round as agreed and of course she said she had had a terrible day.
However, when she had done moaning she has managed to do all of the jobs that I had been doing even though it had taken her ages to do them.
She tried to be confrontational and kept saying that I should have told her I was fed up of her (something I have never said)
Anyway, I stood my ground and helped her cook her tea and it ended better than I could have hoped for.
I told her I'd see her tomorrow and she said she appreciated what I had done for her.
That has made things alot easier, as I feel I have set out what I am willing to do and to put myself and my health first.
I will be on my guard with her because she is a clever old thing but I think she knows where she stands now.
Thank you all for your support and suggestions.
It helped me to get this into perspective and start to resolve it.

babyhead

((hugs)) KittyBoo.

Thanks for the update. I hope you are still going to ring SS/community matron on Monday.

Take care of yourself xx

KittyBoo_2

Sagaris wrote: »

Do you need to visit her on Sundays with your Mum? I'd certainly not go this week, after that expert display of manipulation yesterday! If you do go tomorrow, she will think you don't mind what she said, and will carry on.

I'd bite the bullet and show her that type of behaviour is not on - stay away now and ring the Matron first thing on Monday - good luck!

We have visited her for a long time now and stay for an hour.
I feel more in control of this now, as I got to say how I felt and also what I intended to do.
She did make a fuss to start with but I will not back down now.
She knows the 3 visits a day are over now and she also knows where she can get help.
Whether she chooses to is up to her.
She will then have to "keep on struggling " if that's what she wants.

tanith

Kittyboo actually what you have done has probably helped her even though she says not because now she has to 'help herself', doing jobs around the house although its hard for her is actually good for her, filling in her time, helping her mobility and giving her something to think about , planning how she will manage things and knowing that she either has to do something herself or get help...
Don't feel guilty for one minute you have been more than patient and done your best.. so well done and now take a back step...

I am in a similar situation but its more complicated, but I keep my distance and do as much as I can comfortably manage.. its the reponsibility that worries me most..