Caring for elderly friend who won't get help.

margaretclare

Another thing springs to mind as I read your posts... I hope I do not offend anyone with this - but there is a bit of a stereotypical idea in society of the "nice old lady" and sometimes we see older people as somehow "good" and even more innocent, coming from a "better" generation. But people are people are people regardless of age... it is not a pleasant thought that an older or a vulnerable member of society might actually NOT be a nice person. But anyone is capable of being selfish or just, you know...ick.

'Better' generation? Well, I'm certainly from an earlier generation than many of you here, but I don't regard myself as 'better' than anyone else. 'Nice old lady'? No, no different from anyone else. Rubbish.

Having said all that, I have seen this present scenario, or similar, so many, many times. Often people seem to lose ability in many areas, lose muscle strength, agility etc, but the last thing to go can be a wicked vicious tongue. And an ability to manipulate others. Kittyboo, this woman is playing you as if you were a violin, or rather, like a cat with a mouse.

It seems to be a very common scenario, and it's not even confined to older people. My eldest GD has an uncle who is the biggest, fattest, laziest slob, suffers from all sorts according to him, had her running around after him until she said 'no', and consequently he now has his Dad at his beck and call! Dad is in his mid-70s and this guy is mid-30s, Dad not in good health and nor is his second wife. So it's not only the old. This guy is not even capable of washing a plate or a cup - 'the water is too hot for him' or some such.

When she messed herself and was on the commode, obviously she expected you to say 'I'll do it'. Good on you for NOT doing it!! By the way, why commode - hasn't she got a loo she can use, bathroom etc? The mere fact that there is a commode there usually means that somebody - not the person who uses it - has got to empty it.

She has lied and lied! You have really gotta stand firm. I could stand a lot, but I can't stand lies and being manipulated.

Gazing_On_Sunsets

margaretclare wrote: »

'Better' generation? Well, I'm certainly from an earlier generation than many of you here, but I don't regard myself as 'better' than anyone else. 'Nice old lady'? No, no different from anyone else. Rubbish.

Yes - yes - I totally agree with you, it IS rubbish. I was simply trying to point out that some people kind of think like this, but it's ultimately a bit patronising. Just trying to say beware of making assumptions on stereotypes, like that horrible phrase "little old lady". Sorry I don't think I made myself clear!

KittyBoo_2

You all seem to have the measure of this lady.
Since I have reduced the times I go round, she has managed to peel some potatoes, chop some cabbage, sort out the cat litter tray, use the loo, make a flask of coffee, get dressed and much more.
This has all been in the space of 2 days!
I can't tell you how relieved I am that progress is being made.
She is quite spiteful sometimes but I can hold my head up and know that I did my best for her and helped her when she needed someone.
Your comments have spurred me on to sort this out and I am very grateful.

C_Mababejive

Havent read it all...

Hospitals just love to fill that space in the form where it says...discharged into the care of >insert your name<

It means they can legally shove you out the door and wash their hands of the patient.

I suggest you contact the authorities and tell them that you are not a carer and that you do not live with or look after the person. You are merely a friend who looks in on her.

If you dont,they will just blank you and let you struggle on becuase it saves them money.

Thats the brutal reality of it.

Meanwhile they will be blowing thousands on adaptations to someone elses home who has a bigger,louder,more demanding mouth than yours.

Been there,done that.

margaretclare

Gazing_On_Sunsets wrote: »

margaretclare wrote: »

'Better' generation? Well, I'm certainly from an earlier generation than many of you here, but I don't regard myself as 'better' than anyone else. 'Nice old lady'? No, no different from anyone else. Rubbish.

Yes - yes - I totally agree with you, it IS rubbish. I was simply trying to point out that some people kind of think like this, but it's ultimately a bit patronising. Just trying to say beware of making assumptions on stereotypes, like that horrible phrase "little old lady". Sorry I don't think I made myself clear!

Thank you. I would absolutely hate, hate, hate, for anyone to think of me as a 'little old lady'! Having fought against stereotypes of one kind and another all of my life I find I am still doing it. Perish the thought!

Primrose

This reminds me of the situation when my parents were alive. I was doing a 200 mile round commute every week-end whilst working full time to bulk shop , cook and care for them, and driving myself into a near physical breakdown in the process.
When I broached the subject to them about contacting Social Service to get some Home help and support in for them, father got very difficult and argued that there was no need to get all these " busy bodies" coming in and interfering because "they were managing perfectly well on their own, thank you very much!" It completely passed over his radar screen that if I hadn't been supporting them in every way, they would have had no food in the house, no shopping done, no bills paid, and no laundry or housework done. But I suppose that as their daughter, I didn't really count as "support".

You are going to have to be tough and tell your friend you just can't cope any more. Hopefully her condition will continue to improve but if you don't bit the bullet now, you could be making a rod for your own back either now, or other times in the future if she is unwell again. We all go over the top to help out our families when they're in difficult, but you need to draw the line on this one now become you become indispensible to her at the cost of your own health and sanity.

KittyBoo_2

I just need to take the plunge and tell her I will not be coming round except to do her shopping.
She has been particularly spiteful today and it is clear that she is having a go at me.
She says things like "you can't rely on anyone these days" or peolple pretend they're nice but underneath they are all the same"
I have been to the Drs today and have got tablets for labyrinthitus so I can do without her attitude.
I know it's my own fault for not saying enough is enough but I can't seem to do it.
She is very clever at this manipulation game and I fall for it every time.

Errata

Kitty - it sounds like she may be very frightened now she's facing up to what she can do and what she really can't manage. Humans, like any other animal, attack when they're frightened. Doesn't mean the snaps and bites don't hurt, but perhaps there but for good fortune go many of us.

KittyBoo_2

Errata wrote: »

Kitty - it sounds like she may be very frightened now she's facing up to what she can do and what she really can't manage. Humans, like any other animal, attack when they're frightened. Doesn't mean the snaps and bites don't hurt, but perhaps there but for good fortune go many of us.

Yes, I agree.
I can see that she might be frightened and that is why I carried on helping her for an extra week and still visit her once a day.
It's not easy to have to face these things but she is very determined.
The help needs to be decided by her and I can see that I am just delaying that process.

daska

Sorry to hear about the labyrinthitis. Perhaps you should have asked the GP for a sick note to give your little old lady? Tell her the GP has insisted that you have bed-rest for 2 weeks.

The problem is that you are still going in every day. She won't stop trying to blackmail you until she realises that she has no choice but to accept official help or manage on her own.