Caring for elderly friend who won't get help.

KittyBoo_2

My Mum has an elderley friend who has been in hospital and got discharged because she told them I was staying with her.
I am actually going to see her 3 times a day and she is using a commode and can hardly walk.
She won't have Social Services in and she has no family apart from an older sister.
I am worn out but don't know what to do as I obviously won't abandon her
Sometimes I think she can do more than she is admitting to but says she is doing all she can.
I am on long term disability myself and struggling to cope.
Social Services won't get involved to do an assessment as she has not requested they visit her, which I do understand.
She is 75.
Thanks for any suggestions.

Ma_Boswell

My ma-in-law did the same for her beloved neighbour and ended up making herself ill - please do try to get help. Have you talked to Age concern ( they have changed their name recently, but i'm sure someone on here will know the new one) they might have some good advice. I have known several elderly ladies who hated the idea of carers ( my mum included) and when they had to have them found them to be excellent company and a pleasure to have in the house. Have you mentioned to your friend that you feel your health may be suffering ( put it gently of course)

If i think of any other ideas i'll post again.

Best wishes and very well done for all you are doing for your friend

steph123steph

You need to explain to this lady that you are struggling yourself to. You can not be a carer if you need caring for yourself through making yourself ill! Tell her you are going to make sure shes looked after and look into other forms of care for her, along with your occasional visits to check that she is still managing. Sorry I cant help more x

daska

OK, so approach this sideways...

You have the right to an assessment of your needs as a carer.
Carers UK
The Princess Royal Trust for Carers

You are also allowed to say "I can't do this any more".

Amanda65

Age Concern are now Age UK (they've merged with Help the Aged)

https://www.ageuk.org.uk

What would happen if you could not get round to her ? I appreciate that she is obviously ill but was quite surprised to find out that she is only 75 - I thought you were going to say that she was about 90

You need to take care of yourself - maybe you are just too nice and you need to sit down with her and explain how you are unable to keep going at this level of committment. Give yourself, and her, a time limit and say you are happy to help her to recuperate but that proper help needs to be in place by a set date. And then phone SS and say that you are not staying with her and concerned about her welfare when you are not around. The Age UK helpline should give you some pointers as well.

KittyBoo_2

Thankyou for your replies.
It was nice to get some support from you.
She keeps saying things like "I know you're fed up with me and that you've got a life of your own", but it's not easy to just stop going.
She uses a zimmer frame to get from room to room and so would not be able to carry her meal through to the front room.(Kitchen is tiny and not big enough for a table).
She is still sleeping downstairs and has been in her nightwear since she came home.
I was brought up to help people out and I am usually a very assertive person but this is different.
She knows I am struggling but keeps saying "well leave me and I'll try and manage".
We set a timescale of 2 weeks when she came home and it will be 3 weeks on Friday.
She is slowly making progress but I can't carry on.
I'll try the contacts you gave me.
Thankyou.
Social Services know about her but cannot intervene without her authorising it.

Fang_3

She sounds like she knows exactly what she's doing. She's emotionally blackmailing you into looking after her so she doesn't have to face the prospect of going into a home.

I would phone SS and make it very clear that this old woman is alone and needs official help as you are not staying with her and not able to stay with her.

daska

KittyBoo wrote: »

Social Services know about her but cannot intervene without her authorising it.

I think you might find that the more accurate way of phrasing this is that they know about her and they know that you're caring for her so they don't need to intervene.

Ring SS, her GP and the hospital, tell them she lied about where she was going to be living, and that you are no longer able to care for her as your own health is suffering.

margaretclare

There are useful items available which can be provided by rehab/occupational therapists. Things like a perching stool in the kitchen, a trolley to carry meals etc from kitchen to wherever she eats. An OT could visit and assess what items would be of help. Grab-handles by the front door, aids in the bathroom, all kinds of things.

This woman is being extremely selfish. There is help out there! Actually she should have seen a rehab/OT before she left hospital and all this could have been set in motion for her. She told a lie because she wanted to get out of hospital, but she didn't give a thought to the long-term consequences. You may have to back off - you're under no obligation to her.

wannabe_sybil

I am a bit nervous about posting this, as I am not sure how to put it for the best. You deserve a great deal of credit for your actions. But I feel it is important to say.

Your actions mean that this lady is not getting professional support. If you were not there then she would have to bite the bullet and seek professional assistance, and I believe that those involved move heaven and earth to keep someone in their own home (generally cheaper).

Though the professionals who should help may or may not step up to the mark, while you are there they are not going to try. If you are not there then they will have to consider things differently and the neighbour may get professional, appropriate help.

I hope that I haven't upset you because you deserve a medal and there should be more people like you with kind hearts. Is there anyway you can tell her than you can only do eg mornings? As things progress she may see the wisdom of allowing other help. And you can be sure that she is not totally abandoned.

I would also inform SS in writing that you are only seeing the neighbour at specific times, not full time. I would also inform them that you cannot do x, y or z because of your own situation.

I hope this is helpful, and really wish you well.

KittyBoo_2

Yes, I agree with you totally.
Please don't feel nervous about your post, wannabe sybil.
You are absolutely right in stating that she is not getting the professional help she needs because I am doing everything that she needs (and more).
I am going to have to have this discussion with her, as hard as it is, and put myself first.
If she falls out with me then she is going to have to get help from somewhere but I think she plays on this.
I might just take the bull by the horns and say that from the weekend, I am only going to pop round occasionally, like I used to.
My Mum and I do her shopping anyway, so she will still see us a couple of times a week with that.
Thankyou for your support.