Caring for elderly friend who won't get help.

babyhead

I really feel for you OP. If you don't make it clear are you going to carry on being her carer indefinately? That could be for years! She is obviously scared for herself but she is expecting too much of you most definately.

I agree with what everyone else says - you must contact GP, SS, Community Nurse and make sure they understand what is actually happening. I am sure they would have seen this situation before. They need to reassure her that everything will be fine and they will help her.

piglet6

Kitty, I am sorry that you are in this situation.

Unfortunately, this type of situation is far more common than most people realise. Social Services and the Community Team are probably more aware of the situation than you realise, but as long as the lady concerned is lying to them (telling them that you are her fulltime, willing carer, without mentioning that you yourself have your own issues to deal with) they are unable to step in.

I know this because Mr P's parents are currently experiencing something similar with Mr P's uncle (my mother-in-law's brother). It is harsh to say, but you need to step back and watch her fail, so that she realises that she cannot cope, and does need help. Emotional blackmail is an art which can develop with age (I have witnessed Mr P's mum in tears because she cannot cope with her brother, who is 15 years older than her). Ironically, as a man who never married, he lived with his mother and went through a similar thing (cue the "I'll never be a burden to anybody, I'll never put you through this, you'll never have to worry about me" conversations when Nanny was alive, but fast forward 10 years, and things have changed dramatically).

The way we dealt with it was to inform Social Services (while he was still refusing to see them) so that they had it on record that we were worried about him, that we all knew he wasn't coping, but wouldn't admit it, and wouldn't accept outside help. This meant that when he finally had the "big fall" and spent several hours on the floor, unable to raise the alarm, unable to get to the toilet, and finally accepted that he might need help, he was already on their radar, which allowed them to proceed as quickly as possible.

From your posts, I'm sure that you will find this "deliberate neglect" difficult (because you are obviously a kind and caring person...), but in the long run, I think you have to be cruel to be kind, both to the lady concerned and to yourself (if you make yourself ill, that will be no good to anybody either!). I think this lady knows that emotional blackmail works on you, so you really need to call her bluff, and stick to your guns. If it makes it easier, "develop" a virus/illness which makes you unable to leave your bed/house for a week - as far as she is concerned, you will not be being deliberately cruel, but it might just bring things to a head...

I honestly think if you do this, it won't take long for her to get to the stage where she admits that she cannot cope and accepts the help which is on offer.

P x

KittyBoo_2

Thanks for sharing your experiences.
It is difficult to walk away and leave her especially as I do her shopping.
When I went this morning she'd messed herself and was sitting on the commode.
I didn't go in the room until she had sorted herself out and when she said that she would empty it and sort it out, I said OK.
Sometimes she says she'll manage on her own because she has done in the past, then she says she's struggling.
When I asked her if I could get her anything, she said she'd sort it out later, so I just said OK.
I have told her that I will call once a day next week and then she can ask the Social Services for help if she needs it.
I couldn't just stop going in altogether as I felt that she could get used to the idea.
I know she will do everything she can to get me to stay but I am quite determined now.
Thanks for your encouragement and positive comments.
You have helped me a great deal.

RAS

Kitty

Well done so far. She now has time to start organising things for when you stop going.

I do think you still need to let the Community Matron know what you have said, as she will still be letting them think she has full-time support.

Keep checking in here

KittyBoo_2

Well, I am so upset by tonights events.
When I went to her house, some other friends were there (people who she says she can't stand)!
Just before we were leaving, I said that I would just finish off the little jobs I do for her and she said "well after tomorrow you won't be doing it will you"?
One of the visitors asked if I was going on holiday and she told them that I was worn out and that I'd had enough of her.
When I was in the kitchen she told them that I was only going round in the evenings and that she wanted me to go in the mornings to help with the cat's litter tray.
When they said that they would help she told them that she would be alright and that she would have to manage as best she could.
This has really upset me and I feel like telling her that I'm not going round at all and to let her struggle.
I know she is used to me being there but it was never meant to be a permanant job.
I feel as though she has taken advantage of my kindness and will make me out to have abandoned her.

the_cat

KittyBoo wrote: »

I know she will do everything she can to get me to stay but I am quite determined now.
.

Hard as it is, the events of tonight are simply part 1 of her plan to guilt trip you into doing more than you are capable of. She is frail physically but certainly more than in control of manipulating you.

Stand firm and don't allow her this control over you. Help IS available. She is mentally able to work out that she has to accept it but is stubbornly using all her powers to force you to do what she wants. Don't let her get away with it

PS. Make that call to the Community Matron! If she gets any more unbearable, you will have to stop going. Getting the wheels in motion as fast as possible is best for you and kindest to her

KittyBoo_2

the_cat wrote: »

Hard as it is, the events of tonight are simply part 1 of her plan to guilt trip you into doing more than you are capable of. She is frail physically but certainly more than in control of manipulating you.

Stand firm and don't allow her this control over you. Help IS available. She is mentally able to work out that she has to accept it but is stubbornly using all her powers to force you to do what she wants. Don't let her get away with it

PS. Make that call to the Community Matron! If she gets any more unbearable, you will have to stop going. Getting the wheels in motion as fast as possible is best for you and kindest to her

I know I am letting myself down by not standing up to her.
Up until recently, I was taking antidepressants after a serious illness and being made redundant but I can feel my health sufferring again.
This is really getting me down and I agree she is mentally strong enough to manipulate the situation.
To be honest, I don't want to help her at all now because I think she is using me.
Perhaps I should have seen it coming but I really thought I was doing her a favour by helping her.
Obviously not.
Oh well, we live and learn but it has made me less willing to help anyone now.
I can see why people say "look after number 1"

the_cat

KittyBoo wrote: »

ITo be honest, I don't want to help her at all now because I think she is using me.

Then don't! She has played you from the start by lying and telling the hospital that you were caring for her full time. Sounds hard maybe but you are under no obligation to this woman. I understand that you are a caring person and she is probably scared for her future but your mental health is IMPORTANT!

If you are really concerned and feel she would come to serious harm if you just walk away, make a call to the community nurse, her GP, social services emergency line, even an ambulance if you feel it necessary (not advocating tying up emergency services but if there is no alternative and you are concerned for her safety and welfare.....:()

KittyBoo_2

I am going to have this out with her tomorrow.
It's a nightmare because she is a friend of my Mum's and we go and visit her on Sunday's.
I feel as though it has all got too much for me now.
She has had a visit from the Community Matron but she told her she was fine and that I was looking after her.
On Monday I am going to ring her and let her know what the situation is.
She also has an older brother in his 80's but he lives quite a distance away and I'm thinking of ringing him.
Thanks for staying in touch.

Fang_3

KittyBoo wrote: »

I am going to have this out with her tomorrow.
It's a nightmare because she is a friend of my Mum's and we go and visit her on Sunday's.
I feel as though it has all got too much for me now.
She has had a visit from the Community Matron but she told her she was fine and that I was looking after her.
On Monday I am going to ring her and let her know what the situation is.
She also has an older brother in his 80's but he lives quite a distance away and I'm thinking of ringing him.
Thanks for staying in touch.

Good luck! You're doing the right thing here so stick to your guns and give yourself a break and leave it up to her if she gets the help that she needs.