Caring for elderly friend who won't get help.

heretolearn_2

'She's emotionally blackmailing you into looking after her so she doesn't have to face the prospect of going into a home.'

this is 100% true and 100% unfair on you. It's also 100% understandable from her side. She is afraid.

You need to sit down with her and explain a few things.
1) She can't rely on you any more. It's making you ill. You can't be her carer for the next 30 years!
2) That you know she is afraid of involving social services. You need to explain to her that things are NOT as she imagines. They will not put her in a home. These days it's all about helping people stay in their own homes, with help. You can also explain that she can be assessed and awarded money to pay for the help she needs - and that she can have this money directly and decide how to use it/who to employ. It's not like anyone will just be sent round and she has no choice in it.
3) Invent a friend who does this sort of work (in another part of the country so she can't ask for her). Explain that in her job she visits around 7 people a day in their houses, sorts them out with a bath etc if needed, makes them a cup of tea and something to eat if they want, checks their medication, does any housework they ask her to do, and then pops off to the next person. Now that doesn't sound too bad, does it?

Then state firmly that you are happy to get someone to contact her about how she can get funding for the help, but that you can't come round any more to do these things for her.

This is going to sound awful but a few incidents of sitting there in soiled knickers might make her stop being so stubborn and clinging to her ignorance.

SDG31000

Hello KittyBoo, I've been going through this a less severe form with an elderly neighbour. She is 77 and has sons that she has no contact/help from, so I've been doing what I can to help. It came to a head when she collapsed on my garden path twice in 10 days and my depression took a nose dive as a result.
I'm surprised that Social Services didn't contact you to confirm what she said. I know that they have been in contact with me asking my opinion and what is actually going on. I would phone them and make it clear that she does need professional help and that your help is on an adhoc basis only. I did that and my neighbour came out of the hospital today to find a panic alarm fitted, meals on wheels delivered at lunchtime and her carer starts work tomorrow morning.
The best of luck with it all and please remember that your health has to come first and that as hard as it sounds, she isn't your responsibility. There are systems in place to help her and she has to come to terms with that. Take care.

daska

KittyBoo wrote: »

I might just take the bull by the horns and say that from the weekend, I am only going to pop round occasionally, like I used to.
My Mum and I do her shopping anyway, so she will still see us a couple of times a week with that.
Thankyou for your support.

You need to make it a more decisive break. If she's doing this deliberately and you say you're going to pop round occasionally she'll wait for you and you'll end up doing more on those visits and feeling under pressure to call back sooner. How about telling her you're going on holiday for a few weeks - make it a few weeks because if it's only a few days she'll ask you to buy her lots of biscuits and you'll get back to find her in a worse state.

RAS

Kittyboo

We had this twice, when mum told the hospital that she would be OK and friends who had gone to visit confirmed that thet could look after her. They meant a day, the hospital just discharged her ASAP. On one occasion she was supposed to have a District Nurse for 10 days and 6 weeks of major support. Social Services could do nothing without the proper assessment from the hospital.

On the third occasion it was agreed by ourselves and her key worker and Social Services that we would not tell any of her friends she was in hospital and that we would not visit her, to force the hospital to take a more pro-active approach. In the end actually it was decided she was not even fit to go home, but it gives you some idea of how easily she could have been sent home without support.

You need to demand a carer's assessment. Unfortunately until you wiothdraw your support and create a crisis, nothing will be done to help her.

KittyBoo_2

I jsut want to say thanks for all your comments and to update you on what's happening.
Today, I told her that I was worn out and that I couldn't keep coming round.
She's been really difficult now, as can be expected I suppose, and saying "if you don't want to come then I'll just have to manage".

She has had a visit today from a Community Matron from her surgery and she told her that I was still looking after her.
She asked for a zimmer with a tray on to help get her food to the living room, but apart from that, she made out that everything is in order.

When I suggested she gets some help with things she can't manage, she says that she'll struggle by and if anything happens then that's that.
I have offerered to go round until tomorrow and then I will pop round once a day for the following week.
Hopefully this will get her to face up to her needs or manage on her own, because I am not willing to keep doing it when there is proper help available.

Of course she would like me to keep going round 3 times a day and do everything for her but I have got to try and put a stop to it.
Thanks again for your support.
You gave me the encouragement to deal with this and I think I have made a start.

I think she will protest initially but hopefully it will work out.

RAS

Hi

You need to let the Community Matron know exactly what is going on. You really do.

SDG31000

I completely agree with RAS. Until the professionals know the lies she is telling and you put your foot down, then they won't give her any help. You have to repeat yourself again and again and again, with them and with her. If necessary slightly lose your temper with them. I'm not saying that you should shout and rant and scream, but that you should be very firm about your limits and what you are willing to do and that you won't be doing more than that.....ever.
As for going in one time a day next week, I fear that she will expect you to do everything in that one visit and do all she can to make you feel guilty if you dont (up to and including blaming you for anything that goes wrong). Tell her that you will use your one visit to get help in place for her, but if she refuses to accept that, she is on her own. The community Matron and her GP will be good places to start.
Good luck with it all. I know it is much easier said than done, but it is for her own good I promise.

KittyBoo_2

I can imagine that she will try every trick in the book to get me to feel guilty - she has already started.
It is a bit more difficult because she is a friend of my Mum's but having said that, my Mum only goes round when she knows I am going.
I can't believe I have got myself into this siuation but I am just going to have to get on with it.
It's not my responsibility if she decides to manage, rather than get the help that is available.
Silly, I know, but I feel as though I am letting her down, especially as I know there are things she is still unable to do.

Errata

Please, please contact the Community Matron. The elderly lady won't tell her the truth so someone has to, and really that means you must. Doing that will mean that you are helping the lady far more than you've been able to help her so far with your visits.
Think it through - if you don't tell the Community Matron what's what and something happens to the lady you'll find it hard to forgive yourself for not 'spilling the beans'.

LondonDiva

Please don't rant & rave, or scream at the community team - if she's being evasive / lying or refusing to cooperate, then short of a court order, there's little they can do as they have to take the info given at face value.

As suggested, you need to contact social services and set out your concers (try by email), also forward a copy to her GP so that they know & have your concerns on record.

Ask them to contact her to discuss adaptions via the OT team and if carers can come in to do some basic things liek cleaning or helping to prepare food.

If she is honest & engages with the services, there is a lot of help available that they can give or charities they can contact to support her.

Our local council funds contact the elderly as they felt it was important to also give elderly people another support network away from the 'official' ones.

It is very hard, but the best way would be if the social services etc did most of the heavy lifting with input from you.