Dispatches from the Land of Nargle

AllieBallie

I think your daughter will really appreciate the fact you're there at her wedding i hope you both (you and your daughter) have a wonderful day ....feel free to let us know details about the dress, shoes, hairstyles, venue, food, entertainment...............ok, im sure you get my point!

hope you've had a good day today...remember to KS (it's my abbreviation for keep safe as my fingers are lazy today!)

A xx

Nargleblast

Cheers to one and all.

We seem to have a truce situation. He is on night shift Sunday so will be asleep half of Monday. We have school parents evening Tuesday. I am on night shift that night. So, it looks like Wednesday afternoon/evening for next round of talks. I will put my views down in writing - I find it so much easier to get my points across without interruption! I will leave it for him to peruse Tuesday night at his leisure. Wednesday we will have speaks about it, in the presence of our son, who deserves to be kept in the know. I think OH has moved from the anger through the silence and on to the civil conversation stage, which is his pattern and has been for the past 12 years or so. As he is today, I would not be surprised if normal service is resumed and we do go on holiday in August, despite his insistence that he will not be going! This is his pattern of behaviour - threats and challenges, which he does not carry out. I will be making an effort to alter my pattern of behaviour - instead of biting my lip and remaining calm and controlled, I will in the future be more prepared to bite back, because I know I can handle anything that results from such action. The few occasions I have fought back I think has made him more wary of me, and in a funny kind of way more respectful. It seems as if he wants me to be feisty and put him in his place perhaps? Maybe that is why he keeps pushing me? Food for thought, certainly.....I am adamant about one thing, though. If at some point in the future (next week/month/year or whatever) he starts saying again about wanting out of our relationship, I will tell him to get on with it. No more pleading, negotiating, compromising. This is his last chance. If he agrees for us to carry on this time, there will be no more times like this. Next time , if there is a next time, I will tell him straight away that we are finished and I am not going to put myself and our son through any more nonsense. I feel strangely calm and fatalistic, but perhaps not so, as I truly believe and have done so for many years that things do have a habit of working out for the best.

Anyway, will hopefully get a chance to post back later - last night shift tonight.

Wol2

Yoo hoo Nargle :wave::wave:

Welcome to diary land Hun - but so very sorry to read of your situation

11 years ago I was where I think (?) you are now ......(albeit without children).

After years of emotional abuse, my ex finally decided that he wanted to move on, He had a new girlfriend (which he thought I didn;t know about), and his opening gambit was that I obviously needed to change if the relationship was to be saved as it was me stopping us being happy together. I calmly said that I had changed myself beyond all recognition to accomodate his wishes over the last 10 years and despite this, he obviously still wasn;t happy. I was not prepared to spend another 10 years re-inventing my character/reverting back to who I was when he first met me and therefore if he no longer wanted what he had been demanding (with menaces) for the last 10 years, then maybe he needed to make a decision abut the relationship.He was the person who was expressing unhappiness with the situation after all .

(Editors note: Oh joy :j:j...I had been waiting for this opportunity to leave this emotionally and physically abusive relationship for 5 years - but with a control freak you can;t just "walk out" - it HAs to be their decision otherwise you will nEVER be free )

At the time of the split I thought i was tough and thought I had made it through all the "emotional manipulation/control carp" without too much damage ( my friends thought so too). However - please be aware that you could be unwittingly storing things up for the future - as I have found over the last couple of years....Many of the issues/trauma I am currently facing are not to do with my current siutation - but to do with "unfinished emotional business" from that prevous relationship and certain events associated with it going back almost 20 years

As you well know - we are here to support you Hun....keep talking and putting things down here. :grouphug::grouphug:.

I would suggest however that perhaps you need to think about your answers to the following questions-
a) do you love him?
b What would be your ideal solution?
c)What realistically would you like to happen?

Happy to have a natter either on or offline with you - PM if you want my phone number. (And as I;m sure you already know - Wol's piggies would love to meet their Auntie Nargle and DS if you fancy a trip at any time )

Most importantly - you are doing great by posting a diary -:T:T ....and I think it;s fantastic you are going to attend DD's wedding )


Real Big Hugs Hun


xxxx


P.S. Glad to hear the chickie survived (and that I will get my breakfast order for end of July :rotfl::rotfl:)

Wol2

Oh - and the best book I ever read - the one that gave me my lightbulb moment and gave me hope and understanding for the future (and enabled me to extricate myself positively fron the situation) - was this one

http://www.amazon.co.uk/When-Love-Goes-Wrong-Anything/dp/0060923695

Firstly do is the questionnaire at the front - that was the real eye opener for me as i finally understood what i was dealing with, that it wasn;t my fault/responsibility, that i wasn;t mad/unhinged/the cause...... and why it was so difficult to resolve/leave/sort it out.

If the questionnaire resuts in you feeling that it represents your situation - then read on ...and YES - there is nore than one solution :cool:

xxxx

louise3965

My love, you must think about leaving him. You whole posts are entirely focussed on keeping the peace and keeping him calm. You have insight, you are obviously intelligent and loving. But he IS controlling you, you are not in charge - your posts are quite shocking insomuch as what you are prepared to put up with from him, but I hope you get my blunt words. I'm pretty certain you will, you sound strong, just beaten down emotionally.

Much love and heaps of strength.

Nargleblast

Good morning all, hope you are all sleeping well. Caught some bits of THAT football match, business as usual with England I see! I told one of my male coleagues (who is of the pink persuasion) that he has more testosterone in his body than the entire England team put together, the way they are playing! Oh well, a moment of levity in the midst of troubles.

Louise - thanks for your direct words. You are right, I have put up with a lot. If I were not heavily in debt it would be easier to walk out. However, if things do not improve pretty damn quick then no obstacle will prevent me from doing what I have to.

Wol - welcome to my world and thanks a million for those words of support. Will look out for that book you mentioned. Regards to the small furry ones!

IF

Hello Nargle, I've been reading your thread and wanted to reply for a while but didn't know what to say to help, apart from echoing what most people had already said. I do see that by writing down how you feel....seems to have made you stronger and more clarity is emerging on how you are/feeling/need and now want. Just popped on to send you some strength, big big hugs and to say keep on writing!!

Best wishes
If...x

Nargleblast

Good afternoon everyone, hope you are all well. All is calm in the Land of Nargle at present, he is quiet but cordial. Hmmm, we shall see.....I feel ok about things though, writing things down on here has certainly brought some clarity to the situation. I think it has helped me turn a bit of a corner, where I still want things to be right between us but I am more stoic about the possiblity that things might end in the near future. He would be the loser in the end though, if he decided to take that course. Will post back tomorrow, if not later tonight. Thanks again one and all for your help, damn sight cheaper than so called professional counsellors! I remember going to Relate with my ex husband years ago - the woman sat and listened, hardly said a word to us, then when fifteen minutes was up said "Right, that's all for today, that will be five pounds, please!" Hopefully counselling has improved in the years since then - would be interested to try it if he agreed.

Nargleblast

Oh surprised me by cooking dinner tonight - a spicy minced beef dish slow cooked in the electric tagine. It came out ok but he had put a bit too much sugar in so it was sweet and spicy mince. DS wanted pasta with his, so I made dumplings for all of us, pasta for me and DS and mashed potato for OH. OH had a minor tantrumette because he had not wanted any potatoes, just the mince and dumplings. Fine, said potatoes now in fridge to be used up elsewhere. I gave some constructive feedback about the mince - tender, right level of spiciness but slightly sweet for my taste. His response was that I should have served him a little more minced beef and "we always have this problem when you do a minced beef dish, trying to be mean with the portions."....plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose and all that.....in other words, situation nearly normal in the land of Nargle! We often have a little criticism served up at mealtimes, if there is the slightest thing not quite right. When it is good, however, I rarely get praise for it, he just eats it! It all washes over me like water off a duck's back, though! I know that when his son and daughter in law visit they are always without fail full of praise for my cooking.

Am having a quick mooch around the forums before having a shower, Oh watching TV downstairs, DS bashing hell out of the box of Lego in the study....I got up at 1245 after my night shift to take DS to martial arts class. I told him last night to see if his dad would take him and I would pick him up, but if not then I would get up to take him. OH said he did offer to take DS but DS wanted me to take him.....he hates asking his dad for anything, knowing that I provide the more willing taxi service in our house! That is the trouble when you have children - the older they get the more your role becomes that of chauffeur and facilitator of all things social! Would not be without the boy, though, only wish my relationship with DD had been as good when she was that age...water under the bridge now.

solventsoon

Nargleblast wrote: »

Good afternoon everyone, hope you are all well. All is calm in the Land of Nargle at present, he is quiet but cordial. Hmmm, we shall see.....I feel ok about things though, writing things down on here has certainly brought some clarity to the situation. I think it has helped me turn a bit of a corner, where I still want things to be right between us but I am more stoic about the possiblity that things might end in the near future. He would be the loser in the end though, if he decided to take that course. Will post back tomorrow, if not later tonight. Thanks again one and all for your help, damn sight cheaper than so called professional counsellors! I remember going to Relate with my ex husband years ago - the woman sat and listened, hardly said a word to us, then when fifteen minutes was up said "Right, that's all for today, that will be five pounds, please!" Hopefully counselling has improved in the years since then - would be interested to try it if he agreed.

Hi Nargle
I like the much more positive tone to your posts in the past couple of days. Keep that thought I've highlighted above in your mind. You could, if necessary, survive and prosper on your own, I doubt OH could do the same.

Stay strong for yours and DS's sake and keep on writing, it really does seem to be helping you a lot.

Hugs
spoon
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