Dispatches from the Land of Nargle

BigMummaF

Hey You...
Well, what can I say ..have some personal experience of trying to live with an emotional control freak but thankfully he eventually did the walking.
I can in parts, understand your reluctance to end things; I did the bartering too, like he could stay here with the children & I'd move thousands of miles away, or he go live with nutty sla[g]ck between the hours of darkness & here in the day--all sorts of combinations--but now I see what a blithering, blabbering idiot I must have looked :undecided 'If I'd known then' & all that reflective thing--try not to let it happen to you...

One of the very best bits of advice I have ever been given that covers a multitude of situations, is to imagine your friend has come to you with the exact same issues. Sit opposite a mirror & picture your friend where your reflection is, & tell 'them' exactly what you think...Sounds simple & I readily admit that I am one of the worst for taking my own advice, but it does help put things into perspective.

I too am a little concerned for your physical safety, but also wondering the effect all of this is having on your own mental state. Your children need you to be as well as you can be, so please do take extra care of yourself. Others have said all of this far more succinctly than I ever could, but I wanted to let you know you have my full support too.



((HUGS)) My Friend, for you, your son AND your daughter x

Nargleblast

Good evening all, feeling a little more uplifted at the moment. After getting up this afternoon (was on night shift last night) I found my OH to be quite civil, but he later told me he was looking into bankruptcy to get him out of the debt situation. When our son came home from school, OH told him I was the stubborn one not willing to move so it looked like we would be seperating. I repeated firmly my case - that I would do anything necessary to keep us all together, and that my first thought, even when my daughter left home, was for our son and us. I knew my daughter was strong enough at that point to survive, and that it would be better for her to get out and better for us. Sounds awful, I know, but that was my thinking at the time. OH said he could not understand why I made no effort to get her back (even though he did not want her back!) and I told him - because I had a six year old son to think of and that my priority in everything I did and now do has always been our son and us. OH in talks with our son said he would be able to rent somewhere, so obviously he is assuming I will stay in the marital home with our son. At the end of the conversation OH said he would give me till after the weekend to come up with a statement of my position and what I am prepared to do to put things right. He wants me to be totally honest. So I will draft a written statement. If he accepts it, then this crisis will be over (until the next thing sets him off, I suppose, but we will still be a family). If not, then I am prepared to participate in discussions with our IP about bankruptcy as an option for him (maybe me, if the advice goes that way), and I will be prepared to embark on life as a single woman again. I can talk with my manager if necessary and try and negotiate some more family-friendly hours if need be. So, we might carry on, or we might split. Either way, I will not let him bully me into anything. I am stronger now than I used to be, and can handle whatever life throws at me - because I have done it before.

Maggiem - might look out for that book you mention, could be handy for a few hints and tips.

BigMumma - how many times have I looked in that mirror and thought "you bl00dy idiot!" But I see what you are saying.

The rest of you - thanks so much, each post gives me something to think about. If Beanilou is out there, chant away for my lottery win! (Although I have enough sense not to pin my hopes on such a solution!)

Might catch you all later if this night shift is not too busy.

3Dogs

Lots of Hugs Nargle

I have read your post above and hubbie & I are still worried about you - just remember you have choices - make those choices on your own terms, not OH's - consider yourself and your son & daughter - please don't miss your daughter's wedding - I think you will regret that for the rest of your life if you do, and, once again, OH would be in control, and as you said, even that will not satisfy him - I honestly don't think anything will - but you know him best

Please Please take care of yourself - stress can do funny things to people, even when they think they are strong

from us all

beanielou

Chanting as requested
Take lots of care x

Herbaholic

Hi Nargle

So pleased to hear you're feeling a bit more uplifted, wish there was something 'real' I could do, like many have said we're here if you need to scream, vent, bounce ideas or just need a hug. If everyone keeps adding their experiences and ideas it may give you new possibilities and things to consider which can only help. I do agree with 3Dogs about not missing out on your daughters big day, there had been a family fall out and my baby brother didn't come to my second wedding and he regrets it a lot, your daughter will need her Mum on her special day. I don't mean to add any extra pressure on what is already a very difficult situation, some moments in life are precious and can't be got back. Take care of yourself hon, we're here whatever happens and whatever you need.

Herby x

pure_dead_dopey

Hi Nargle

have just read all of your diary and first of all please be safe, don't go close to the line, be safe. Your OH sounds a lot like my mother who has a personality disorder, controlling, dominating, petty, always desparate to have things her way, no one else's opinion ever matters. MD of the family company, made everyones life a misery, her employees were litigating against her before there was legislation to litigate!!! This is only my personal experience but I put up with her ways until i was 50, then I realised that every bad thing/problem in my life stemmed from my mother, she punched me on the nose and broke it when I was fifty (she's now 80), first time she'd ever hit me since i was a child, and I turned around and I walked away, I've never turned back, I'm a new woman. That relationship was killing me, constant carping, nasty comments, worrying that I didn't have a normal relationship etc and loads of other stuff that I won't bore you with. I am not in a relationship with my parents (father supported Mother) but i am at peace with myself, my family don't see their grandparents (their choice entirely) but do have a wonderful relationship with my in laws, they fufill all their grandparenty needs. So the object of this sad tale is that sometimes you do have do what's best for you and yours, and no matter what the past relationship has been, sometimes you have to live in the now and future and look forward and say Can I deal with this for ever? and if the answer is no, I can't, then you have to take action. It is almost a process of losing hope, cos you always live on the hope that this is all a mistake and the person will change and everything will be OK, and then there is that moment of clarity and you realise that it isn't going to change and then that's when you have to think of you and just you.

You are a strong wumman as we say in Scotland and you will deal, just don't go to the edge, you have a right and a duty to have a good life.

Nargleblast

Good morning all, and thanks for your words of support. If only someone could collect all the wisdom found on this site, you would need a book the size of Mount Everest to hold it!

I am going to my daughter's wedding, and I think he realises that.

Oh, and the chicken is still alive - he did say that she nearly died yesterday morning when he caught her making a lot of noise, but I don't think even he could be that evil.

For those concerned about my safety, I promise you that I will ensure I remain safe. I have lived with this man for nearly 12 years and can make sure I don't get physically hurt - he blusters and threatens, but his aggression is more verbal. Once, many years ago, he pushed me over in an argument and I told him if he ever laid a finger on me again I would have the police on him. He has not done that since.

I feel strangely calm, because whatever the outcome next week, I know it will work out for the best. I have found that to be the case several times in my life. It is my calmness that freaks him out as he can't handle it - he loves it if I say something in anger because he can throw that one remark in my face for years to come.

Oh well, these things are sent to try us, and I know that we are the sum of our experiences.

Fairly chilled at work at present, must be my turn to make the tea before we get busy again.....Night all!

Happytogetdebtfree

Evening/morning. I have just read that and it's knocked me for words, i just wanted to give hugs and support I can't imagine how one deals with that Id like to think i'd stand my ground and be gone. I really hope you get to see your daughters wedding your oh sounds like he needs to see someone for his own state of mind. I hope things improve for you ((hugs))

LuckyBiscuit

That's great new's about your daughter's wedding!!!!

Have a good and safe day................

XXX

mummum2

Glad that your attending your daughter's wedding. :j Keep safe!


MM2 x