Dispatches from the Land of Nargle

Nargleblast

Hello all, just a quick visit whilst on night shift!

When I got back from town the mood had turned pretty nasty. Veiled hints of "you are not walking away from this....I will do anything in my power to hurt you.....do what you like but be prepared for the consequences..." ...that sort of thing. I stated my case - I do not want us to split, I want us to move on and leave past mistakes in the past and make the most of our life with our son. If necessary, I would consider not going to my daughter's wedding, even though that would cause upset with my father, but I would be prepared to do that as long as OH could guarantee to make an effort to stop raking up past mistakes and work with me in our relationship. His response was that it was a pathetic idea and that there really was nothing I could do to mend things. I stated that if he truly wanted us to split, then we should do it properly and in an organised manner so as to cause our son the least upset possible. He said he was not interested in the financial and practical stuff, if I wanted to go ahead and file for divorce/contact our IP etc etc then I should be prepared for the consequences because I might get more than I bargained for. So, I interpret that as him saying he does not really want a split? Or does he, and is he trying to make me do the work so as I can be blamed for all that happens afterwards? We are due to go on holiday (Eastern Europe) in 2 months time, all paid for with the help of a family member. He said the other day that he would not be going and that he will try and persuade our son to stay at home with him and maybe visit other family instead. Once home from school, our son sat in on the discussion and was distraught when the subject of us splitting up was mentioned - he flew at his father and hit out at him. He begged his father to consider my suggestion of making a go of things. I cooked our evening meal before getting ready for work - he had stated he would do his own but I did all our meals as usual. I fully expected Teddy to go flying out of the pram when I told him dinner was ready but to my surprise he sat and ate it without comment. When I asked him this afternoon what he wanted to happen and what he wanted me to do to make things ok, his response was "I'm not doing your thinking for you!" So, he says conflicting things, will not discuss things rationally, sneers at me for remaining calm and controlled - but if I broke down and cried he would sneer at that, so as usual I am in the wrong whatever I do. This is going to be very difficult, I am going to have to keep talking with our son, make sure he is ok.

Nargleblast

Herby, your post struck a few chords! Your ex sounds very similiar to my OH. I believe he is basically a decent sort, but has complex mental health/personality issues. If I suggest that, though, that would be the proverbial red rag to a bull. I think we need a neutral person to mediate between us, but I can't see him agreeing to that. I really don't know what he wants, and I don't think he does either. It has been some years since his first marriage ended ( about 22 I think) and he still makes occasional remarks that show he is full of bitterness about that. Obviously one to bear grudges! Oh well, be back sometime later.

3Dogs

I, like so many other of your MSE friends, are reading and not knowing what they should say right now to you.

I am sure that we all have our view on your position and what you should do next - but it is YOUR POSITION so we can't say what we feel. Only you can make decisions about your future, 'cause it is YOUR FUTURE

Some can tell you what they did in similar situations, and how that worked out - and that may help in some way - I do hope so

But for most of us, the majority of us, we can only be here for you, to support you whatever you choose to do, or whatever is forced upon you, but probably most of all to listen

But I only repeat Nargle, for the sake of you and your son,

Be Strong .............. Be You ........... Be SAFE X

hypno06

I hope that today brings some clarity and answers for you.

maggiem

Reading this I too am worrying for you. You do sound very strong but the strain must be immense and you are trying to use logic and reason with someone who appears to be behaving irrationally and also in a threatening way. Do take care of yourself and your son. A colleague in a somewhat similar situation found a book called 'Living with a dominator' very useful.

Keep posting and know lots will be thinking of you

LuckyBiscuit

3Dogs wrote: »

I, like so many other of your MSE friends, are reading and not knowing what they should say right now to you.

I am sure that we all have our view on your position and what you should do next - but it is YOUR POSITION so we can't say what we feel. Only you can make decisions about your future, 'cause it is YOUR FUTURE

Some can tell you what they did in similar situations, and how that worked out - and that may help in some way - I do hope so

But for most of us, the majority of us, we can only be here for you, to support you whatever you choose to do, or whatever is forced upon you, but probably most of all to listen

But I only repeat Nargle, for the sake of you and your son,

Be Strong .............. Be You ........... Be SAFE X

I second that, nicely put 3Dogs!!! XXX

solventsoon

3Dogs wrote: »

I, like so many other of your MSE friends, are reading and not knowing what they should say right now to you.

I am sure that we all have our view on your position and what you should do next - but it is YOUR POSITION so we can't say what we feel. Only you can make decisions about your future, 'cause it is YOUR FUTURE

Some can tell you what they did in similar situations, and how that worked out - and that may help in some way - I do hope so

But for most of us, the majority of us, we can only be here for you, to support you whatever you choose to do, or whatever is forced upon you, but probably most of all to listen

But I only repeat Nargle, for the sake of you and your son,

Be Strong .............. Be You ........... Be SAFE X

Thank you 3Dogs, that's what I was trying to say last night but I couldn't find the right words.

Nargle, please take care of yourself and your son, we are all concerned about and worried for you.

((((hugs))))
spoon

mummum2

Hi Hun,

Thinking of you and your son, please, please, take care, I'm going to play devil advocate here and say Get out now! I don't believe your husband is at all stable, want you to think foremost about yourself and your child. Like all the other posters, I will never dream of telling you want to do as I have never been in that situtation myself, but somehow I feel you need to have someone say to leave.

Take care
MM2x

jwil

Hi Nargle,

I have just read through your diary and really feel for you. It must be so difficult to be in that situation. I really admire your strength.

I hope things can be sorted out for the best and that you can all be happy.

I will keep following and see how things get on for you all.

Best wishes

RaspberryRed

Hi Nargle,

A long time lurker on these boards, I have registered today to leave a message for you because I am so moved by this.
I too had a controlling partner who didn't like my children from my first marriage. It seemed they were ok when we first got together, but as they grew up his dislike grew with them. In the end I had to choose, & I chose the children (of course!) - after all, we did come as a package, I was their advocate & he was the adult who should have known better but wouldn't share me.
Obviously every situation is different and I didn't have a child with this man to add to the complications. However, I do know he is doing precisely the same things with his new wife & her daughter so the pattern continues.
Please review why you feel the need to stay in this relationship? Are you getting anything out of it other than abuse and now threats? I am honestly scared for you and really hope that you post again to let us know you're ok & he hasn't just changed the locks on you.

This seems such a serious post & I'm not usually like that - but as already mentioned - please stay safe. xx