Dispatches from the Land of Nargle

Nargleblast

Thanks all of you for your kind words, they mean a lot. I can tell that some of you have had experiences in your lives that mean you have an understanding of where I am coming from. And that really does help.

I used to get so upset when we had these bad spells, but now I tend to stay calm and ride it out. I think it is because my OH is all bark and little bite - he threatens and blusters but doesn't carry things out. Therefore I will not allow him to upset me, and having this diary to let out my feelings will help enormously. He has been very quiet and subdued this afternoon and evening, keeping conversation to an absolute minimum. No doubt he will want to start another discussion later, once our son has gone to bed, but that is fine by me. I am strong enough to let the swearing and sarcasm and shouting pass over me, and not take it to heart. I have heard it all before, and I am still here to tell the tale, and my daughter at 21 is a fine young woman. My son at nearly 12 is an absolute gem. I have instilled in both of them a love of reading, animals, food, friendship, and a belief in themselves that they can achieve almost anything if they try. Plus a very off the wall sense of humour, particularly in my daughter's case! I will go and have a shower now and relax for the evening despite the cool atmosphere - for once I am not dreading being alone in the same room as him, wondering what he will say. Why? Because I don't give a toss. I am prepared to make our relationship work out, but if he wants to play silly boogers and end it all then I know I will survive, probably better than he can, and that is all that matters.

Hope you all have a good evening, might catch you all tomorrow if I can.

beanielou

I think your OH may well have PTSD.
Not that that makes it any easier for you of corse.

AllieBallie

Nargle, I couldn't reply properly earlier but I wanted to come back on to reply, although my reply would just echo what others have already said!

I do want to add that I think you are inspirational and amazing, a true 'anchor' as it were. I know from my own experiences that there is nothing in the world that comes even a little bit close to replacing a Mum who is always there, always strong and always supportive.

My Mum was with me through my darkest times and had she not been such an anchor for me, I probably wouldn't be here boring the pants off you today! She always told me to let all the nasty comments wash over me like rain - they might hurt and upset you at the time but, like water, they'll eventually evaporate leaving no trace.

solventsoon

Hi Nargle
I read your diary earlier on and wanted to post then, but couldn't because what you're going through reminded me so much of things that have happened in my past (not directly to me but someone very close to me).

Your son and daughter are a testament to you and your spirit, you must be very proud of them, and they of you.

Whatever you decide to do, you will survive - you are a strong, capable and brilliant person - and I'm sure you will make the right decision for you when the time comes.

Stay strong and believe in yourself.
spoon
x

Nargleblast

Hello everyone and thanks for the support.

Last night OH did not speak to me unless he was spoken to, and he responded politely. Ok, so he's thawing, thought I. Today, however, we have had a long talk this morning. He still feels the same anger, hurt and bitterness, and will not put things behind him and move on. He is fed up with me. The one thing that has always stayed his hand is our son, and he is eaten up with guilt for what hurt our son will feel. I laid my position out on the line - that we should accept what has happened, put it behind us and move on. We have on balance a good life with our son, and once my daughter's wedding is out of the way (2 weeks time) my contact with her will remain occasional (she lives in York, quite a distance from me) and I will ensure any contact I have with her does not impact on my OH or inconvenience him in any way. His position is that he wants our relationship terminated. When I try to discuss practicalities with him (finances, housing) he says he is not interested in all that. he just wants a new life - but he wants me to do all the work setting up discussions with the IVA company to sort out the financial issues, look into bankruptcy if necessary. Oh, and because one of our chickens occasionally squawks loudly during the day he has been threatening that if I don't get her rehomed or to the vets he will strangle her because the noise "does his head in." It seems tomorrow is the cut off point, so I might get up after my night shift tomorrow afternoon to find a dead chicken in the dustbin. Or maybe not, he often threatens dire actions which do not materialise.

I went at 1200 to do a bit of ironing before lunch, and he told me to leave it and get out of the house. He said he would not lock me out or anything, he just wanted me out of the house for a while. Consequently I am now in town, in the library, enjoying free internet access, updating my diary. I will grab a bite to eat, mooch round the shops for a bit, then go home.

If he wants a split he can have one, but I am not going to do all the work and worrying. He has to decide whether we can remain in the same house for our son's sake or whether he wants to move out. My father is due to visit in 2 weeks time for the wedding - OH has said my dad is welcome but that he will struggle to keep his lip buttoned if anything starts. I have said let's get the wedding and Dad's visit out of the way, then set up an appointment with our IP to discuss our options if that is what he wants. He has said he will attend counselling if need be but it won't change anything.

So, stalemate. The saga continues......will have a quick scoot round my usual threads then get something to eat.

Herbaholic

Nargleblast wrote: »

I used to get so upset when we had these bad spells, but now I tend to stay calm and ride it out. I think it is because my OH is all bark and little bite - he threatens and blusters but doesn't carry things out. Therefore I will not allow him to upset me, and having this diary to let out my feelings will help enormously.

huge hug Nargle, just read your diary and wanted to say the following... I admire your determination to try and see your marriage through. Mr Herby is my second marriage, the first guy I was married to behaved a lot like your OH, everything in the world that went wrong for him was my fault, I was useless, past mistakes threw back at me when I was trying to move on. He to threatened and blustered there was the occasional suicide attempt, never real, and I know that sounds callous but it was all designed to make his mummy come running and give him attention and she did and it made things worse.

To cut a long story short, I got to the point where I didn't care anymore, about the relationship but more importantly about myself. Then one day I got my head sorted out after talking to a pile of strangers I met in a chatroom that fast became friends, and I started to rebel, I realised that there was actually nothing wrong with me, in fact I was normal (as normal as a herbaholic can be), I started doing a college course, and realised that there was more to life than taking his carp. The more I ignored his moaning and outbursts the worse it got, the threatening and blustering turned into punching big holes in doors, throwing meals I cooked at the walls and ceiling, demanding he knew where I was every moment of every day, checking my emails, only allowing phone calls when he was in if they were on speaker phone so he could hear what was being said that sort of thing. Then he started hitting me and not the doors and he got more violent the more I tried to carry on living my life and he got angrier and angrier the more I stood up to him and didn't do what he told me I should do.

I'm not saying this will happen to your OH but wanted to point out that he could potentially be the same as my ex OH, I truly hope he isn't as I wouldn't wish what I went through on anyone else and it sounds like you've been through enough as it is. Only you can decide if the good times you have are enough to make the tantrums worth putting up with, some people won't understand how you can love someone so much that you'll stay with them and take anything. I couldn't help but wonder if you're staying with your OH for the sake of your son, hope you don't mind me saying that?

Would your OH go for counselling? My ex OH and I tried this but as it became obvious he was the one with the problem and the lady we saw tried to address this, he declared she was an incompetent woman and ceased going, that's when I ceased caring and left him, boy did that take some courage. A while after I met my lovely DH and I still can't believe how much my life has changed for the better.

We marry for better or for worse, what they don't tell us is it should be more better than worse and if it isn't you don't have to take it if you don't want to. I didn't want to leave my ex OH because I thought I'd been seen as a failure by others, how wrong I was. My ex SIL said after the divorce came through that she didn't understand why I'd stayed with him so, branding him a psycho.

Anyway you keep writing Nargle and we'll keep reading and hopefully at some point in the future you'll have the answers you're looking for, just be careful hon and do what makes you happy.

Herby x

LuckyBiscuit

Wow!!! Powerful stuff, i just wanted to say that we'll be here what ever you decide to do, even if we may not agree with it, after all you have to live it!!!
Am sending you big hug's and loads of Love:happyhear...............

mummum2

Hi Nagle,

Just stopping by to say hi! :wave:.

MM2

Different_Corner

Narge
I read your thread this morning and my heart goes out to you. I really am pretty useless when it comes to advice. But I just want to say that you know life has this way of sorting things out.
As long as you and your son feel safe go with what you think is right. However I do think we all deserve a little happiness.
Hugs

LadyfromVenice

Been sitting here for ages thinking of something supportive to say. I try to type but it all keeps coming out wrong. Nothing seems to be right.

My DH went through similar actions before he was diagnosed with depression. I only learned of the problems he had in his childhood 5 or 6 years ago..........and we've been together 22 years!

We still have problems but I now know why, just wish he had confided in me sooner.

Nargle, I hope you get things sorted soon, whichever way you decide your life should turn.........and as 3Dogs says, keep posting here and on the other threads. We'll be reading and giving you our warmest hugs.

All the best, LFV :kisses3: