Dispatches from the Land of Nargle

Nargleblast

Well, I have given in and decided to do my own diary to help me get my head round my financial and domestic issues, so as not to clog up any of the threads I normally post on!

I am going to tell you all a long story, in a number of parts because it is complex, so bear with me.

When I met my OH, I was divorced with a daughter just turned 8 years old (this was 13 years ago). We lived in a Victorian terraced house, my ex lived in the marital home and I paid the mortgage (it was a former council property so the mortgage was about £70 a month, I could manage that but he did not work because of various "health" issues, some mental, some pure lazyitis, some not wanting to pay fair share of taxes etc).

I managed ok, had been a bank employee some years previously, still never overdrawn, had a credit card which usually got paid off every month or at least over 2 -3 months. We had an arrangement where daughter spent time equally between the two houses, and it worked ok.

Then I met my current OH. A big, strong looking bloke, quite a strong personality but can be very kind and gentle and thoughtful underneath. We got on fine, but he did occasionally take it upon himself to correct my daughter - she was not a bad child, occasionally a daydreamer, bit untidy like lots of kids, but really a nice child (and that is me trying to be objective here!).

I started to struggle a bit financially, so OH insisted I do something about getting my ex to give me my share of the marital home. There followed a lengthy (about a year) legal battle between solicitors, lots of nasty stuff going back and forth, my DD getting the Spanish Inquisition from my OH about what her father had been saying and doing, and me getting an earbashing from my OH about getting on the case, getting evidence against my ex, proving that he was working but not declaring anything to the benefits and tax people. Things were heated at times, the solicitors slow to act, and to complicate matters I was pregnant with my and OH's son.

Finally a court date arrived and I accepted a settlement. My share of the equity in the house was £15000 but I accepted £10000 as a once and for all payment. I did this because I was advised strongly by my solicitor and the barrister he had employed (at gawd knows how many hundreds of pounds an hour) that if I pushed for my full entitlement then I would lose it all in legal costs. So I had to accept - i saw the sense of it, and I did not want to drag things out further. The £10000 went to pay off my credit card and to my OH as a contribution to the renovations he was doing on his bungalow (putting in a loft extension to accommodate me, the new baby and my DD for when we moved in). I sold my house and chipped in the mere few hundred I made on that as well.

Baby arrived and 4 months later I moved in with OH and as agreed went back to work while he took care of our son (he had taken early retirement due to back problems). DD stayed during the week with her father and came to us at weekends - it made sense that way because her school was a few yards down the road from her father's house and she only had one and a bit school years to complete before going up to secondary school, so there was no sense in disrupting her routine at that point.

My OH made every effort to include my DD in everything we did, but he was very strict about keeping her room tidy, being punctual etc. He was quick to rise to anger at the slightest thing, and in arguments would always throw things in my face about how I mishandled the whole business with my ex, even though I had reasons for the decisions I made and the way I did things. There were some very difficult times indeed, particularly when I, at OH's suggestion, left work and began a three year training course to change my career and improve my employment prospects. Financially things started to get tight.

Just over ten years ago, a few days before my DD's 11th birthday, her father died suddenly (I and my father found him dead in the house, having got the police to gain entry - fortunately my DD was safe with Grandma at that point). He had had a heart attack, caused no doubt from heavy smoking and poor diet and lifestyle. From that day things changed big time.


Will continue the tale next time, as have stuff to do. Sorry it's a bit long winded.

Nargleblast

Back sooner than I thought, just had phone call from OH at work, sounds almost normal, even though we are in the midst of a stonking great row.....what's that about, I wonder?

Anyway, to continue...

DD only had 3 months left at junior school so she lived with her grandparents during the week and came to us at weekends. Once school had finished she moved in with us full time and we got her a place in a good secondary school near us.

On clearing out the former marital home we discovered evidence that my ex had been falsely claiming benefits and council tax benefits for a partner who did not exist, using the name of a real female friend of his but a false date of birth and false NI number. Over about 18 months he had received nearly £9000 from this, which was eventually claimed back from the estate. We discovered that he had told my daughter what he was doing and said that if she told me and my OH then we would get him sent to prison. Emotional blackmail on a child who was only about 9 years old at the time!

When my OH heard this he hit the roof big time. He accused my DD of being a liar, a cheat and a thief, acting as an accomplice to her father's fraud, and causing him (my OH) to lose thousands of punds of his hard earned pension settlement in renovationg the house so she could live with us! (He did not mention the money he splashed out on a brand new Land Rover Discovery at the time, though, and over the next few years he changed cars several times, all at a cost). Since that day he constantly rubbed her face in it, whenever any slightest thing happened to make him lose his temper. Since that day, anything I did or failed to do that upset him, everything from the past got thrown into the argument. I cannot itemise all the little events of the following few years, but some spring to mind. He was fixated on her being washed and dressed and sorted for the day by a certain time. If she had not had her bowels open that morning he would tell her off for not having control over her body. (Ignored me every time I tried to tell him that not everyone's body works the same way.) I remember one Sunday morning (she was 11) where she had to sit in the bathroom for four hours in total because she had been unable to open her bowels that morning - he eventual gave in, but was in a bad mood for the rest of the day. Another time, we had visitors (his son and daughter in law). We were do to go and stay with them for a couple of days in Scotland. We had a Chinese takeaway and he found traces of something my DD had not eaten, she had spit it out into the toilet. He was so angry that when we went to Scotland he would not let her come out with us, she was confined to quarters for the whole 2 days. Those are just a couple of examples of things that went on. And yet, we would have occasional days and nights where we all enjoyed ourselves as a family. It was almost like living with a Jekyll and Hyde character. Eight years ago we moved 200 miles to our present part of the country, as we needed larger accommodation and house prices round here were very good compared with where we were.

A year later he suggested we get married, his reason being that it would mean I received his pension in the event of his death. We had a lovely, simple wedding, just immediate family. Things were good, however, we were living in reliance of credit cards to supplement our income. I had a large debt when I finished my training course, I consolidated a few times with a bank loan, my OH paid off his cards a few times by extending our mortgage (with my agreement, alas, as we also used some of the loan to improve the house).

At the age of 14 (nearly 15) my DD walked out and went to stay with a friend. We persuaded her to come back, we all sat down and talked about things, and agreed she could have some leeway in getting herself up for school on time (rather than my OH constantly being on her back) and could colour her hair and put posters on her bedroom wall. Little things I know, but they were important to her. Alas, OH soon went back on his word. In March 2005 (a month before her 16th birthday) she left home for good.

More later.

beanielou

Happy shiney new diary

Edit~I have now read your first two posts and feel slightly uncomfortable about having said happy shiney new diary.

Nargleblast

That's ok, beanie, I am sure my diary will be uplifting and inspirational one day, once I have got my head around things and things are settled. I am writing it because it is too complex an issue to discuss properly with family and friends, and this forum is a wonderful source of supprt and encouragement for people in all sorts of situations. It is a form of catharsis for me to write it all down, so please bear with my ramblings and I promise you things will get better!

Nargleblast

So, five years ago my DD left home for good. In that 5 years she stayed at a couple of friends' houses, then rented a room from her boyfriend's grandparents for a while, then moved into student accommodation. She left school with just 4 AS levels (only did one year of 6th form) to do a music diploma course at college, which she completed. Her boyfriend was at York University so she moved there once her diploma was completed with a view to taking A levels at college to improve her employment prospects. However, finances made that impossible so she has been working in a hotel doing bar, waitressing, room service stuff to make ends meet. She shares a house with her boyfriend and some other students. When she received money from her father's estate at the age of 18 she blew it all on buying stuff and having a couple of foreign holidays - she now sees the error of her ways, and is trying to live within her means. She has finally got a place at York University in September studying a Social Policy course - she eventually wants to be a Social Worker. I really do hope she sticks at it and gets that qualification. My OH says she has wasted her time, and done nothing but sponged off other people like her lying, cheating father....she will not come to our house as she thinks my OH is nothing but a mentally-disturbed, paranoid, abusive bully. Apparently, there were times when I was at work and he slapped her face during an argument or shoved her so hard she fell over. He tells me he clipped her round the ear a few times, nothing more. She is getting married at the beginning of July. My son and I are going, so is her grandfather. Needless to say, my OH is not going, and she would not want him there. I agreed as a matter of compromise that I would attend the wedding but not the evening function that is taking place the following day. My daughter understands this, though would like me to be there. I feel ashamed that I am in no position financially to contribute anything to this wedding at all, and arrangements have been made without my involvement. My OH harps on about this as a way of saying how selfish and underhand my DD is, and how she does not care about me. Two days ago, he informed me an email had arrived from her. As I was typing a reply he came in, read what I was typing and hit the roof. I was trying to explain my reasons for not going to the evening function - he felt I was making excuses and painting him as the bad guy. He has blocked any emails from her in future, so we now have to communicate by mobile phone. I have had a message from her telling me not to take any carp and just to let him stew, and that she is available if I want to talk to her. She understands how hard it is for me, with a young son to think about.

So, he is angry and very cold. Keeps talking about wanting to end things between us. Will not listen and try to understand any explanations from me. Our son has begged him to let all this stuff go, it is all in the past, he cannot keep bringing it up every time he gets upset about something - things happen, people do wrong things, make mistakes, but we have to move on and get on with our lives eventually, don't we?

So, a frosty atmosphere chez Nargle at present. He comes home form work this afternoon, we will see what sort of mood he is in then.

I have made many mistakes in my life. I stood by and did not stick up for my daughter when my OH was having a go at her. I was weak, indecisive, unable to be a strong parent for her. When she left home I had a six year old son to think about - having had one child see her parents break up, I did not want the same to happen to him, and I knew she was strong enough to survive. Now my son is nearly 12, a loving, caring, bright young man who has no illusions about his father's behaviour. I have told him that things often work out for the best in the end, and that whatever happens, both I and his father love him, and he will do well in life. Financially, neither I nor OH could afford to move out if it came to that. We have IVAs, seperate but interlocking, although it would not be difficult to totally seperate them out if need be. I am not moving anywhere, he can do that if that is what he wants. Whatever happens, it will be sorted, whether we carry on or not.

mummytogirls

Nargleblast, I have just read the first 2 installments of your diary and just wanted to give you a big (hug). Sorry you feel you cant discuss with family but now you have got a place to get all you feelings down on here x

Nargleblast

Yes, that is the beauty of this site. Saves paying professional fees for counsellors! At least by writing it down it clears my head a little. My OH has many good qualities, and I take my share of the blame for what has gone on in the past, but I feel people cannot continue to hold on to bad experiences and let them fester away for the rest of their lives. I work hard, run our home, ensure the bills get paid (he leaves the admin stuff to me and freely admits it confuses him) and our son is brought up properly. My OH has a part time job now, and is in charge of the home when I am at work. He is capable of the usual domestic tasks, and often criticises the way I do things. He is a born interferer, cannot stand back and let people get on with things. I have heard from various family members that he exhibited similiar behaviour with his first wife many years ago. I have also heard it said that a relationship he had prior to meeting me failed because he kept trying to interfere in the way this woman raised her own children. And family members have said that he hasn't been right since he left the forces (many many years ago). So, glaring hints of an obsessive, controlling personality methinks. And yet he can be kind and generous and thoughtful, and very easily hurt. Oh well, I suppose nobody is perfect, me least of all.

Am going to do some shopping now, might post back later. Thanks for listening!

Natty68

*hugs* Nargle honey, not sure what else to say but I can relate in some way to how your DD must have been feeling when your OH was being like he was to her - been there myself with my late mothers boyfriend when I was 15 but won't go in detail as it is too painful.

Ramble away honey xx

mummum2

for your daughter and *hug* to you. Can't begin to understand the total controlling behaviour of your husband, but just wanted to say I think you're a remarkable person and really look forward to 'taking this journey, (I believe) of your discovery' with you.:A

MM2

Nargleblast

Thanks people. I started this diary not as an act of self indulgence or self pity, but because I needed to write it all down and discuss (in a virtual manner) things with people not involved - to get my head straight. Also to save clogging up other threads that I regularly visit.

In my head I have things worked out - IVA due to finish 2014 or 2015 latest, then a few years to build up savings and pay extra off mortgage until our fixed rate deal ends in December 2019. Then I should be able to plan retirement with some security for all of us (or both of us, as son will probably be at university then if all goes well!). That is the plan - unless OH carries on being a total idiot and allows himself and his bad feelings to spoil what could be a good life for us. If he wants out, then he will be the one who has to walk - I am staying put. Whatever happens, I will make sure that I and our son survive and live a good life. If he truly loves his son, as he says so often, then he will stick at things with me and make it work. I can put the past behind, so why can't he? But I will not forever tolerate the kind of bad behaviour I have seen from him in recent years. At some point I will say that's it, enough!

hypno06

The support from this site has been a lifesaver for me - I would certainly have "lost it" had I not come on here every day, so I can def recommend it as an alternative form of therapy.

And as for self indulgent - piffle - it is your diary, be as self indulgent as you wish!!!