Dispatches from the Land of Nargle

3Dogs

Just checking how you are doing Nargle

Methinks that hubbie may be trying to get a bit more of your attention with his 'back injury' instead of your attention being on your daughter and the wedding. Stand your ground, don't give in to him too much and make sure he knows that you are going to the wedding - I think he may try the 'oh you can't leave me to go to the wedding when I have my bad back' 'poor me' syndrome

((hugs))

P.S. I agree with Beanie, not a good way to live your life - remember it can't go on like this

pure_dead_dopey

what they said Nargle, its not ideal at all. Have a great time at the wedding, don't let OH spoil any of it and do remember you won't ever get this opportunity to be with Dad and son at Daughter's wedding, so don't lose it cos OH wants to be a controlling child.............


I'm thinking of you, have a great time.

Nargleblast

Thanks everyone, and I take on board your point about it not being the ideal way for anyone to live. At present things are ok, but I am mentally prepared for the possibility that this will not last, and that is a change from before. Before, I could not entertain the idea of our marriage ending, because of wanting security for our son and financial/emotional security. Now, son is old enough to handle whatever the future brings, and this site has taught me that no debt situation is insurmountable, there is always a way out, and people can survive no matter what life throws at them. For now, the week has started fairly well and OH even suggested yesterday that he pay for a new jacket for our son to wear to his sister's wedding! I WILL have a good time at the wedding, with my son and my father. I am sorry my OH cannot be there but that is down to him and I will waste no guilt feelings on that. Next week I am on annual leave so will have time to draw breath and reflect on my situation.

Fitzer2000

Hi Narg, Been reading your thread this morning and I'm astounded that you're still with this man. He's emotionally torturing you and his son. You sound a wonderful caring considerate person and have done more than most to try and make your marriage work. When a person changes the atmosphere of a room in such a negative way there is always underlying issues. Loving and caring as he may be at times that doesn't condone his behavior towards you, anxious about when the next row will start. It's a vicious circle and unless he FULLY COMMITS to the relationship and agrees to get professional help then I think you have very little option but to get out of this relationships. I'm sorry if what I say seems harsh but your OH needs to grow up and realize what he has in you.

mummum2

Fitzer2000 wrote: »

Hi Narg, Been reading your thread this morning and I'm astounded that you're still with this man. He's emotionally torturing you and his son. You sound a wonderful caring considerate person and have done more than most to try and make your marriage work. When a person changes the atmosphere of a room in such a negative way there is always underlying issues. Loving and caring as he may be at times that doesn't condone his behavior towards you, anxious about when the next row will start. It's a vicious circle and unless he FULLY COMMITS to the relationship and agrees to get professional help then I think you have very little option but to get out of this relationships. I'm sorry if what I say seems harsh but your OH needs to grow up and realize what he has in you.

Excellently put and I for one ditto this!

Take care sweetie, you're sounding a lot more stronger with each post!

MM2 x

3Dogs

You sound so much more in control now Nargle and have a better understanding of the position you are in. I know from experience how easy it is to 'put up with a situation' 'cause you can't see an alternative, but you can see that now - you have a way out and are willing to take it. That is the difference in you now

Go and have a great time at the wedding - I know you will really - and enjoy your time with your Dad staying with you too

Bet your son will look quite a man in his new clobber

AllieBallie

Nargle, i'm still worried about you even though you do sound stronger with each post. I want you and your son to be happy, I want you and your son to enjoy your daughter's wedding but most of all I want you and your son to safe. If the only way for all of that to happen is to be without OH then I know it'll be tough but I also know you can do it (I also think he doesn't deserve you but thats probably another kettle of ball games!).

i hope your daughter enjoys her day on Friday (promise you'll tell us all about it?!) and I hope you, your Dad and your son all have a fabulous time too - goodness knows you deserve it!

Wol2

Nargleblast wrote: »

Thanks everyone, and I take on board your point about it not being the ideal way for anyone to live. At present things are ok, but I am mentally prepared for the possibility that this will not last, and that is a change from before. Before, I could not entertain the idea of our marriage ending, because of wanting security for our son and financial/emotional security. Now, son is old enough to handle whatever the future brings, and this site has taught me that no debt situation is insurmountable, there is always a way out, and people can survive no matter what life throws at them. For now, the week has started fairly well and OH even suggested yesterday that he pay for a new jacket for our son to wear to his sister's wedding! I WILL have a good time at the wedding, with my son and my father. I am sorry my OH cannot be there but that is down to him and I will waste no guilt feelings on that. Next week I am on annual leave so will have time to draw breath and reflect on my situation.

Still here. Been lurking. There is much I could say but you need to find your own path that feels right for you.

The thing that really turned my life around was receiving "external validation" that my ex-partner's behaviour was indeed unacceptable by normal standards - whereas before I thought it was me that needed to try harder and bent over backwards acceding to all his demands and trying to keep the peace. The external validation I received was doing the questionnaire in the book I mentioned and suddenly something clicked into place in my own mind. It still took a couple of years after that before I achieved a resolution (I did however find out many years later from counselling that my ex was considered to be have a rather pronounced narcissistic personality disorder)


The fact that all the peepies on here are referring to the controlling methods of your OH and therefore providing an external "validation" of what you may have been aware of (but not necessarily able to address owing to previous circumstances) is great to see. DFW is marvellous for providing great support and spurring us on to look at our cirumstances in a new light with courage and confidence.

I am really pleased to see you are starting to establish a new perspective on your own situation and feeling able to tackle it more confidently....and that despite OH's behaviour you are feeling more postive about moving yourself and your children up the agenda - and more importantly that it is now becoming your agenda, not just his.

I hope you have a fantastic time at your daughter's wedding.

Well done and Big Hugs Hun.

:grouphug::grouphug:

XXXXX

solventsoon

Hi Nargle
It's really great to hear you sounding so much more positive and sure of yourself now.

Hope you, your Dad and your son have a lovely time at your daughter's wedding. I can understand you wanting your OH to be there but clearly he isn't up to putting things behind him and going so, as you say, that's his problem and not yours.

I really hope you maintain this positive frame of mind once the wedding is over. It's very easy to be spurred on to be more positive by an event like the wedding, much harder to maintain it once the humdrum everyday life is restored.

You can make a successful and happy life for yourself and your son without your OH if it comes to that. You deserve some happiness and peace of mind, it's not much fun living with a controlling personality like your OH and eventually it erodes your self-esteem. Please don't let that happen to you - you're worth much more than that.

Take care
((((hugs))))
spoon

Nargleblast

Now don't you lot start me off with the waterworks!
Seriously, though, I am very touched by your kind words and the care and wisdom behind them. I know that if it does come to the crunch, whether next week, next month or next year, my salvation from utter despair will be the supportive network of friends on here.

Am on last night shift at present and all is (that word beginning with Q)! When I get out of bed today I will tidy round the spare room and bathroom, then Dad's train gets in just gone 5pm so will go and collect him. I have got chopped chicken breasts marinating in Tikka Masala sauce and yoghourt in the fridge for chicken curry, will probably do a fruit fool kind of dessert to go after it. My frock is in the wardrobe ready, son's outfit sorted as well. He will wear black trousers, black shirt and a black and silver waistcoat with matching bow tie, and will probably want to wear his black leather jacket as well - has his own sense of style, my boy! After the wedding there's talk of having an informal pub meal, then we will get back home around 6pm for fish and chips from the chippy roumd the corner. Hopefully OH will keep himself occupied - knowing him, he will be sinking German submarines on the computer all day.

Am off for about 12 days after this shift so will have time to reflect and catch up with things - that's the trouble with nights, it's just work, eat and sleep.

Oh well, off for a mooch round the forums!