Dispatches from the Land of Nargle

pure_dead_dopey

difficult one Nargle, not sure how I would deal with that, I think possibly he thinks you've got a different problem to the one you think you've got, iyswim. and he's definitely got the other end of the stick from you. You've got to think it all through, but I really feel you should attend all the "wedding things" as this chance won't come again, whereas the situation with your OH could go on and on. Its a soppy old saying but loving someone means you want them to be happy, think about it, hard.

Hugs and positive thoughts

dopey

3Dogs

Oh Nargle we are so worried about you - you put in all the effort, all the moves to sort this out are coming from you - and then he throws it (literally) in your face. A well as seething, you must be so disappointed. It would appear to me that your hubbie wants you to do all the apologising, explanations, finding solutions, etc and he will just rub your face in it all over again

If you don't mind me saying, I feel that he could just explode at you, any time now - and then what? We are especially worried at his apparent switch on switch off of his moods.

Please think very hard and consider going to everything about the wedding as you may regret this later, and I don't think whether you go or not will alter what he will say about it.

I agree that with so little time till the wedding and your Dad staying with you, that you will have to wait until after that. However, be very careful until then and don't let him get to you. Perhaps he is deliberately trying to get you angry so that you leave as he will see leaving as a failure and I don't think he does failure by the sound of it - he just sees failure in others and loves to remind them of it.

Be careful Pet, be very careful and of course rant away - we are all here for you

Nargleblast

Git git git total git! He is behaving as if nothing has happened (although I am too!). I am going to have to do some serious thinking over this next week, as I truly believe that even if I did stand up and say all the things he wants to hear (whatever they may be) then he would still throw it all in my face every time he lost his rag about something. The issues with my daughter will not go away because he will keep resurrecting them, even though lots of the stuff was years ago, and even though he says it all upsets him and makes him angry. He is either a masochist or totally blind to what he is doing to himself as much as other people (meaning me and our son). Total and utter git!

solventsoon

Hi Nargle
As 3Dogs said, really worried about you now, this can't be doing you any good at all.

Personally I think your OH is a control freak and is getting some sort of masochistic kick out of winding you up and then behaving as though nothing is happening. I really don't think, from what you've said, that he's ever going to want to/be prepared to move on.

Agree with the others, I think you should seriously think about going to all the wedding events, you won't get the chance to do them again and can things really be any worse at the moment?

Really sorry if I've spoken out of turn here - I don't want to upset you but I am really worried about your mental and physical health now.

Please, please, be careful and feel free to rant away, you need to get this out of your system.

((((hugs))))

Herbaholic

Nargleblast wrote: »

His response was that I had not acknowledged anything, not admitted anything, not apologised for anything. He said that I had just written a load of drivel which does not address any of the issues he wanted addressing, and that the stuff about the old days was meaningless.

This is a rhetorical question Nargle, but what does he want you to acknowledge, admit and apologise for? You've stayed with him all these years through thick and thin and put up with his intolerable behaviour, that covers all three criteria as far as I'm concerned! Is he going to acknowledge, admit and apologise for all he's done, or for the misery he's putting you and your son through at the moment, let alone in the past?

From an outsider looking in, it seems to be all about him as far as he's concerned, it's grossly unfair of him to invite you to put your case forward, then interrupt you and dismiss what you've so carefully taken the time to write down, he obviously has some sort of script in his head where you say what he wants to hear. I'd suggest you suggest to him that he writes your 'speech' and you write his based on what each other feels should be said and what the other will say and you read each others out, but I know he wouldn't go for it.

I agree with everyone else Nargle, I'm really worried about you, your OH's behaviour is totally unacceptable, throwing a slipper at you is a VERY worrying sign. Well done for being so calm, just be warned that if that behaviour increases it can make you have a strange reaction. When my ex OH started doing that kind of thing, I lived in a nightmare, never knowing when he would next erupt or who or what would be the target of his anger, I had a little dog who I adored and she used to cower in a corner shaking when he went off on one, that upset me more than what he was doing to me. One day he cornered me in the kitchen yelling and spitting in my face threatening what he was going to do and I became another person. I grabbed a knife out of the drawer and brandished it at him and yelled back, I'd never seen fear in his eyes before but I did that moment. No way would I have used it but at the time I was terrified that I was going to get hurt, I left him not long after that as I didn't like what he was turning me into.

Has your OH done the slipper throwing thing before, not being nosey, just trying to ascertain as to whether he's following my ex OH's pattern. It does seem he's wanting to provoke a reaction from you all the time. I also feel that he's 'playing up' more because of your DD's impending wedding, for a short while she gets some of your attention and he doesn't like sharing you with her at all. Such a shame he chooses to live in the past.

You mentioned an ex wife, is there any way you could find out more about how that relationship ended direct from source? Did she walk away or did he? I'd hazard a guess that he didn't get loved as a child or was a middle child, he believes he can't be loved and sets out to prove his point by destroying all the things that are good about his life and turning those who do care about him against him, just so he can validate his "Nobody can love me" issues. There again could be that he doesn't love himself. Whatever the reasons he has issues and he should be dealing with them as we all know, maybe then things will get better for you all. I know you mentioned your OH's family saying something about his previous relationship, there is obviously a pattern here and it would be good for you to know what it is forewarned is forearmed.

I really feel for you and your DS Nargle, I was lucky that I had no children that had to suffer my ex-OH's carp behaviour, having been a child of a set of feuding parents where Dad would get drunk at the weekend and would pick a fight with Mum and punches, broken plates etc were the norm. I know how much this sort of situation affects the child, even if they don't openly say anything, they choose sides and generally side with the parent who's being wronged. As a kid I vowed I'd never be in a dysfunctional relationship like my parents, so I was stunned when I found out that I was, took me a lot of time to admit it and get out

I hope you do go to all the aspects of the wedding, whilst I feel for you, I also feel for your DD having to explain to her new in-laws, and other family and friends why her Mum isn't at the meal etc. I really wouldn't want to be in your shoes making the decisions you have to make, but I will say this much... It looks like you may potentially not be with your OH in the future unless he's willing to change and hand on heart I really can't see that he is sadly. But you'll be a part of your DD's life until the day you die just as you will your DS, you need to make some happy memories, although I fear that if you go you'll just be opening a can of whoop asp when your OH finds out and throws his dummy out of the pram.

Sorry for the long post, not sure if it'll be helpful at all, I'm just very concerned, wish I could wave a magic wand and make everything all right. I haven't posted much but have been reading your updates. We're all here if you need to scream, cry or vent steam or share spittle, be strong, safe and stay sane Nargle

Herby x

LuckyBiscuit

Herby, what a wonderful post, XXX

AllieBallie

If I could write posts half as well as Herby's there I'd be happy!

Unfortunatley, all I seem to be able to do is sob quietly at my desk when I read your posts Nargle, I really feel for you, really worry for you and really wish there was more I could do to help. I can offer hugs though.....any use for them?!

As always, I'll be back later with a more constructive/helpful/generally better post after I've glued shut my tear ducts again, xx

mummum2

Oh sweetie,

Don't know what to say, you're trying and he's pushing it all back in your face. Sending hugs and vent all you need, we are here for you. Take care of you and your son. I would go to all my daughter's function leading up to her wedding, you only have one daughter, one can always get another husband (sorry have to say it in a nice way as possible), he does not deserve you.:A

Love
MM2 x

itsgototstop

I've just read your posts, your poor daughter, the bathroom
thing etc is really awful to read, its like abuse, glad she is ok now.

Nargleblast

Thank you all so much for your posts, even Herby's epic! You have all in some way or other hit the nail on the head. I can reassure you all that at present my physical and mental welfare is ok - although I do know what long term damage living in a difficult relationship can do to a person's state of mind.

OH was one of 7 children in a stormy family with a strong mum at the head. His mum died in the late 80's (long before I met him), and one of his brothers either just before or just after, then round about the same time he went through his divorce, so a hellish few years for him there. His wife filed for divorce (grounds of irretrievable breakdown and mental cruelty, I believe.....:think: ) and he has said in the past that he did not want it to happen, he had to be pushed into getting a solicitor and fighting his corner. The divorce was granted, he had to remortgage to give her her share of the house value, then there was the property market crash and he had to sellup and buy somewhere smaller - he ended up with about a thousand in his back pocket, when previously he and his wife had had thousands in savings all over the place. So, lots of bitterness there. She is now remarried and living abroad, apparently very happy. We saw her and her husband ten years ago at OH's son's wedding - first and only time I met her. A small, ordinary looking woman, looked like she would not say boo to a goose. Yet apparently she could be stormy at times - no wonder, with an OH like this one! I think OH pushed her so many times - don't know what the issues were there, but she ultimately left him and he has always said he was devastated. He has threatened a few times to walk out on me but he has never done it. I think he does not really want to, but he feels the need to be the centre of attention, as one of you have said, and certainly he likes me to make sure everyone knows when he has had a good idea - heaven forbid I should get thanked for something that he thought of! And of course, I always have given him credit and never sought to steal his thunder over any matter.

This next week will be a strange one - busy, building up to the wedding, my Dad visiting, OH doing a demanding training course which he does not fancy doing but he's got to so hard cheese there! I may come on here for a rant from time to time just as a safety valve - I have already got so much benefit from doing just that, and for that I thank you all once again.

Time will tell what will happen, que sera sera and all that jazz. Whatever happens, I am up for it.

You are all :A:A:A