Jwil's sorting the debt, the body, the house, the garden and everything else diary!

jwil

peaceandfreedom wrote: »

The baby steps do make a difference. Today I've been cleaning the floors everywhere, dusting places that haven't been dusted in a while, cleaning the kitchen windows and it's made me feel so much better. I've also freecycled something and put a couple of other things up for sale. :j

Our house made it past the 60s but the kitchen and one bathroom are firmly in the 70s and mega-grotty with it. The ensuite bathroom is slightly newer but is still grotty. One bathroom is being completely replaced soon, I will renovate the other bathroom myself.

With the kitchen - for years and years we've done nothing with it because we've never had the money to do it properly. I've finally decided that doing small things to make it look better is better than doing nothing at all. It really is so hideously awful, just painting it would make it a lot better.

New windows and doors are obviously not a DIY possibility - somewhere somehow I need to find the money for that.

Doesn't help that OH does nothing AT ALL, never takes the initiative, never shows any interest, would happily live in complete squalor.

Well done on the cleaning, freecycling and selling :T You've had a productive morning!

That's the thing that bothers me about our house really - it's so grotty. I could handle it if it was old and clean, but it looks old and dirty to me. Then the clutter means I can't clean properly so it gets worse. I think the small things do make a big difference - in our bathroom, I'd like to replace the lino so am keeping an eye out for an offcut appearing at a boot sale. The whole bathroom will still need replacing, but I think just replacing the flooring will brighten it up massively and make it look a lot cleaner.

The same with our kitchen - a good deep clean and coat of paint will make a big difference. I started a while ago and got halfway but have never managed to complete it. I need to get back to that. Also we have a big cupboard in our kitchen which until last year housed the old heating system. Until we can knock the whole lot down, I'd like to put some shelves in there to make it more useable. It would mean I could put a lot of stuff away, and then keep the small amount of worktop I have clearer which will make the kitchen much more useable.

My DH is the same. He's not interested at all. Has always lived in a hugely cluttered house so it doesn't bother him. I've got to do it or at least persuade him to do it. My parents used to decorate every few years and move rooms around etc. His didn't, so he doesn't see the point in doing it.

jwil

peaceandfreedom wrote: »

DDFW you are right that doing small things helps a lot, I've been doing that this morning and it's made me much more cheerful. Or maybe it's the fresh breeze outside, I don't know.

Thing is, I can't talk truthfully to anyone really about my situation with regard to debt, the house, my OH. It's all bottled up, and wakes me up at all hours of the night. Those dark night-time hours when everything seems at its worst and my stomach clenches with worry and despair. And I ask myself for the millionth time 'How did my life end up like this?' and 'Why did I make so many lousy decisions?'.

It always seems better in the morning and I know so many people have lives vastly, horribly worse than mine. I know I'm the only one that can do anything about it all, but it still doesn't prevent that night-time anguish.

Have some dodgy hugs peaceandfreedom :grouphug:

I am the same as well. I can't talk to anyone either. I bottle everything up, except the little bits I let out on here. I started this diary in the hope that it would help and it does, but I still don't post everything. I listen to audiobooks at night to stop the thoughts coming in. That's the only way I manage. Everything always seems better in the daytime.

If you want to vent, then please do either here or pm. I won't judge, I won't even offer advice, but I can just listen if you need it and offer my support. The same applies to you DDFW or anyone else that may be lurking.

jwil

It's the same. He's in a grump and I'm feeling rubbish with the stress of it all. It's like we've gone back about 10 steps.

peaceandfreedom

jwil wrote: »

It's the same. He's in a grump and I'm feeling rubbish with the stress of it all. It's like we've gone back about 10 steps.

Well, you know then it's time he looked around for another job - or is that a hopelessly optimistic viewpoint? There must be another way forward, this is doing neither of you any good.

peaceandfreedom

jwil wrote: »

Have some dodgy hugs peaceandfreedom :grouphug:

I am the same as well. I can't talk to anyone either. I bottle everything up, except the little bits I let out on here. I started this diary in the hope that it would help and it does, but I still don't post everything. I listen to audiobooks at night to stop the thoughts coming in. That's the only way I manage. Everything always seems better in the daytime.

If you want to vent, then please do either here or pm. I won't judge, I won't even offer advice, but I can just listen if you need it and offer my support. The same applies to you DDFW or anyone else that may be lurking.

Aww thanks Jwil. I may unload on you one day. I am wary of being too open on here, you never know who might be 'listening' - I don't mean OH just people I know, I wouldn't want to be identified.

I am OK to get to sleep but then I will wake up in the early hours. If it's a reasonable hour, I can get up and do things. If it's the middle of the night, I read with a torch for a bit to try to make myself really sleepy. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts but maybe I should be trying to deal with them better. Although it's not my thoughts I need to deal with, it's LIFE I need to deal with.

peaceandfreedom

jwil wrote: »

Well done on the cleaning, freecycling and selling :T You've had a productive morning!

That's the thing that bothers me about our house really - it's so grotty. I could handle it if it was old and clean, but it looks old and dirty to me. Then the clutter means I can't clean properly so it gets worse. I think the small things do make a big difference - in our bathroom, I'd like to replace the lino so am keeping an eye out for an offcut appearing at a boot sale. The whole bathroom will still need replacing, but I think just replacing the flooring will brighten it up massively and make it look a lot cleaner.

The same with our kitchen - a good deep clean and coat of paint will make a big difference. {...snip...}

My DH is the same. He's not interested at all. Has always lived in a hugely cluttered house so it doesn't bother him. I've got to do it or at least persuade him to do it. My parents used to decorate every few years and move rooms around etc. His didn't, so he doesn't see the point in doing it.

You are right about the lino in the bathroom and painting the kitchen - I am planning to paint ours as well and do some other minor bits and bobs that I know will improve the whole thing - even the smell of the fresh paint will make the whole room seem fresher. And you start getting that repeated 'nice surprise' - where each time you walk into the room you are struck afresh by how nice it looks - you know like often happens if you've given a room a good declutter. Those little moments lift the spirits and brighten the day and we all need that.

It is not easy when we are doing it on our own though. I would so love if OH took an interest in anything - like the garden, I do all that myself, he has no interest and does nothing except an occasional mow of the lawn (every 2 or 3 weeks maybe). I'd love to potter around the garden and discuss plans with someone who cares.

jwil

peaceandfreedom wrote: »

Well, you know then it's time he looked around for another job - or is that a hopelessly optimistic viewpoint? There must be another way forward, this is doing neither of you any good.

I have made my feelings very clear on this. I didn't want him to go back at all, I even think he should have had some more time off until he was settled in with the counselling, but he doesn't like being off work.

There is a serious confidence issue which is stopping him from looking for another job. This is something else that I hope the counselling might address.

You're right it's not doing us any good, I've been ill all night and still can't keep anything down. That's an issue I have though, and is always the way my body reacts when I am stressed. I need to sort this out as it really affects my day to day life. I'm not sure how to tackle it, and am thinking of trying hypnotherapy or something. Don't know if that would help at all.

jwil

peaceandfreedom wrote: »

Aww thanks Jwil. I may unload on you one day. I am wary of being too open on here, you never know who might be 'listening' - I don't mean OH just people I know, I wouldn't want to be identified.

I am OK to get to sleep but then I will wake up in the early hours. If it's a reasonable hour, I can get up and do things. If it's the middle of the night, I read with a torch for a bit to try to make myself really sleepy. I don't want to be alone with my thoughts but maybe I should be trying to deal with them better. Although it's not my thoughts I need to deal with, it's LIFE I need to deal with.

Yes, I am wary about that too. There is enough detail in here for people to recognise me I'm sure. I don't like the idea at all, but I've chosen what to put down.

You know where I am though!

jwil

peaceandfreedom wrote: »

It is not easy when we are doing it on our own though. I would so love if OH took an interest in anything - like the garden, I do all that myself, he has no interest and does nothing except an occasional mow of the lawn (every 2 or 3 weeks maybe). I'd love to potter around the garden and discuss plans with someone who cares.

You're right, it is hard. It makes a big difference when you can work on something together.

jwil

The chap came this morning to survey our patio doors. Deposit now paid so in a month or two they should be in!