Please help me im now desperate - and now sacked from my job

genie_2

Maria,

Get out of that realtionship now before it's too late........

http://www.welshwomensaid.org/

Contact these people for advice and help on how to do it. For the sake of your daughter.
Please!
((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))

Toomuchdebt

Honestly in your situation I would get out and go bankrupt and start over with your daughter.Without the debts you would manage fine.

Christmasshopper

Hi Maria,
Try making 2 lists (on here if it helps). A list of what you really like about your husband and a list of what you really dislike. Seeing it in black & white sometimes helps you to see things more clearly.

angelsam1984

Sorry to hear this Maria

Can you go stay with someone family member or friend and take your daughter?
I think your OH needs some time to realise whats happening.
Men can never answer straight away they need time to think this is why there is no point in confronting him.
As Christmas shopper says write it all down, in aleeter if you need, leave it on aprominent place in the house.
I dont really think its a case of leaving him seriously!
I bet really inside he is currently in denial of whats going on, he probably feels guilty about putting his family in this situation but if he was to get another job this would show he feels guilty and his pride ATM is too high being a military man on 10 years.
I get it occasionally as my OH is used to having everything done for him and has been w/o kids for 3 years and now we have a baby!
BUT look on forward past this, move out if you have to, write a note, give him T&C's for your return.
He does sound like a bad person atm, but he will at some point see whats happening and when he does it will make you stronger.

Be strong, Best wishes

Sam

nidje

""im scared of being on my own
of not being able to support Cadence
of her being taken from me""

Hi maria932
Just read the thread through and I'd say you are on your own now, as hubby sounds worse than useless (sorry but he is) and from what I can see you should be congratulted for coming this far. You're a strong woman and a great mother, anyone can see that you are supporting your daughter and bringing her up the best way you can which is all anyone can ask of you.
I wish you the very best of luck and I hope something sorts itself out for you soon.
N x
Oh and best of luck for Wednesday x

sarymclary

Hi Maria,
I've just read this thread from start to finish, and isn't it marvellous to see all the wonderful support.

I've been in a similar situation to your's; living with a controlling bully, who's main aim was to make me feel insecure about myself and my abilities. The reason for this, I came to realise, was that underneath he was more worried about his own shortcomings, and was waiting for the day for me to suddenly find out (it took 12 years). By putting me down, and blaming me for all the debts he'd got us into, he was diverting the attention away from him. Then one day I just looked at him through different eyes. I didn't see the man I loved, but a pathetic liar, who would do anything to keep me under his thumb, and essentially with him.

I was really scared, and wasn't in the fortunate position of working either. I'd been a stay at home mum for more than 10 years (forbidden from going out to work, but criticized daily for not contributing to the household; for being a bloodsucking leech, for burdening him with responsibilities), and was terrified that I wouldn't be able to find work. I had 4 young children (all under 10, the youngest in nappies), no family to help me, and no friends in a position to.

I summoned up the courage one day to ask for a separation with a view to divorce. It was really difficult, but I refused to get drawn into an argument about it. I stuck to my guns and said my mind was made up. He left the house in a rage, and promptly drove to the bank and withdrew all our money in cash (untraceable where it went). This was over £40k - remortgage money. I never saw it again.

When he returned I'd moved out of the bedroom into one of the kid's rooms (I'd prepared them about what was going to happen before I did anything), I split the food into separate cupboards, and from that day on we lived separate lives.

You could sell your car, buy a new, cheaper one with cheaper insurance (your current insurer will refund you the difference, or just reduce your monthly repayments). You could get a Ford Escort on a 'p' plate for under £400. I'm assuming your car is worth more, since you have finance. Use any residual money for your deposit & 1 months rent for a new place for yourself and your child. Take the other advice about dropping the cleaning job and sticking with your other job, so that it fits better around your child's schooling. Sometimes you're better off not earning quite so much, and receiving the benefits instead, but this is personal choice, and you'd have to look into that. With a child, you are entitled to income support if you chose not to work, plus full benefit paid for rent and council tax. Most landlords won't take you on without being in work mind you, but afterwards, it's not so much of a problem; they get paid regardless, provided you're in suitable accommodation (a 2 bed place not a 5 bed for 2 people). Are you with the council or private landlord? You may qualify to be rehoused as homeless, especially if you say you aren't able to live with your husband due to mental torture, etc. Physical violence threats would have to be backed up with police reports, etc.

Stop paying your husband's debts now. He isn't willing to contribute to the family, therefore you have no obligation to his debts. If you are hopeful that you can make your relationship work, I still think a separation is more appropriate to give him the kick he needs to get sorted. Since he has family living locally, maybe living in a split house as separate people will make him move in with them?

You are clearly a very capable woman, and I believe your husband knows this all too well. I totally understand why you wouldn't want him to see this thread. It wouldn't do any good anyway, would it? It seems impossible to think that living apart from him could be a move for the better, but take it from someone who did it, it really is.

I never received another penny from my husband after we split up. He refused to work, and any money he got he hid. He spent all the £40k on himself and had nothing really to show for it. 21 months after we first split my husband died from the effects of alcoholism. It wasn't my fault he was an alcoholic (no one can make you an addict to anything, unless you're forcibly injected with heroin maybe), but his family, who had been my only real family since we'd met, blamed me and our children for his death. I was beaten up by them 2 days after he died, they tried to have a secret funeral, and when I found out they refused to come to any funeral the children and I attended (I was still his next of kin as we'd not got our divorce finalised, so was legally the person to arrange a funeral). It's not only an alcoholic that is in denial about their addiction you see, which is possibly why your in-laws reacted as they did. Mine didn't think about the fact that I'd lost my best friend, first love, and father of my children.

As a direct result, I lost the family home, but the rest of his debts died with him, thankfully.

Life does go on, you can bounce back, and you can only be responsible for your own actions. Make the right choices for yourself and your daughter. Seek all the help available. If you don't know where to look, talk to your GP or the CAB. There are lots of free resources out there. If the issues with your childhood are something you'd like to resolve through therapy, again talk to your GP about some free help. There are lots of us out here with our own miserable childhoods, but they don't have to make us have miserable adulthoods. Unfortunately they do influence some of the bad choices we've made along the way, but you tend to wise up about them eventually.

Anyway, I've gone on and on, and didn't mean to, but I hope it gives you an indication that similar people have faced similar problems, but survive them, and are all the better and happier for it.

Take care, and good luck on Wednesday; go as prepared as possible, with as much paperwork as you feel necessary to back you up, and take a friend if you can, for support.

Thinking of you

kaneaj1

Hope things start to look brighter for you & your daughter soon, you deserve so much more :grouphug:

Take care, Kerry

Toomuchdebt

trooperbill wrote:

think about an IVA (individual voluntary arangement) it may be able to kill your debt by as much as 95%! check our website for details.

possible spam?? have reported anyway

dancingfairy

Just wanted to send some hugs your way. Sounds like your doing really well and are really strong. You should have no worries about being able to look after your daughter or pay the debts off on your own as this is what you appear to be doing anyway. Take a deep breath and make the decision - only you know whether he is suffering from being out of the army and is depressed or is taking advantage. Whichever way it goes there is lots of free help out there- doctors,CAB etc and good luck to your daughter I hope she has a good time at school.

Hugs

RoCas

Hi Maria, just wondering how it went today.

((((((((((hugs))))))))))