A dilemma regarding money and grandparents

Fang_3

Mooloo wrote: »

Actually it doesnt mention how much Molly is asking for? Whether she is asking for help with the repayments at the moment, to keep the home, until she can find other ways to do things, i.e the insurance, or possibly to sell the home rather then it be repossessed.

there are a lot of assumptions becuase she has said that they Have thousands in the bank, that she wants a large amount.

We agree that they are in thier right to refuse help, but this is an emotional thing that Molly is also going through. To find out that the family is not willing to pull together to solve a problem that has arisen through no fault of her own.

However we don't actually know whether Molly and her children's father are still together. It has been asked several times on the thread and not answered. In fact we don't know a lot so there are a lot of assumptions being made, but that's what happens when you don't give enough detail. For instance it's possible that Molly has 'just' asked for a few thousand, but it's also possible that she's asked for £100,000.

You're right when you say that it's not Molly's fault, but it's also not her PIL's either, and to ask them to give up some of their security during the final years of their lives does seem, firstly, cruel, frankly, to put them in that position, and secondly life isn't fair. Some people have to deal with much worse things than losing a house, which is frankly all this is.

LondonDiva

Mooloo wrote: »

We agree that they are in thier right to refuse help, but this is an emotional thing that Molly is also going through. To find out that the family is not willing to pull together to solve a problem that has arisen through no fault of her own.

however, why the assumption that the only way they can 'pull together is to give a wedge of money?

I'm sure if the OP had been asking for emotional help or practical support to work out what steps to take next, it may have been considered - after all they sound quite thrifty.

However, the thread & some of the responses seem to state that they must be awful / uncaring parents for not handing over the money - people express love in different ways and putting a pound amount on it merely cheapens a relationship, when it leads to comments like 'well it just shows what type of people they are'

Molly41

This is my last post. I have lost so much more than my house. I have lost my health, my ability to walk, to cook, to shower myself, somedays to go to the toilet by myself. I have lost my ability to parent, to enjoy or participate in hobbies or a social life. I have lost my job as a midwife - one that was my vocation. I dont have the capacity to work and may never work again. My children have effectively lost a parent as most days I only function for a few hours. How bad does it have to be to be really bad? How about me being dead? Thats not a hysterical comment. I spend most of my life half dead anyway! PLEASE CAN WE CLOSE THIS THREAD NOW. THESE SORT OF COMMENTS ARE NOT HELPFUL AND FRANKLY ARE CRUEL.

thatgirlsam

Molly41 wrote: »

This is my last post. I have lost so much more than my house. I have lost my health, my ability to walk, to cook, to shower myself, somedays to go to the toilet by myself. I have lost my ability to parent, to enjoy or participate in hobbies or a social life. I have lost my job as a midwife - one that was my vocation. I dont have the capacity to work and may never work again. My children have effectively lost a parent as most days I only function for a few hours. How bad does it have to be to be really bad? How about me being dead? Thats not a hysterical comment. I spend most of my life half dead anyway! PLEASE CAN WE CLOSE THIS THREAD NOW. THESE SORT OF COMMENTS ARE NOT HELPFUL AND FRANKLY ARE CRUEL.

its ok molly, you have a right to feel upset

only you know the real situation.. i hope you can find the strength to pull through this horrible time

take care xx

blabberwort

I dont think it was anyones intention to be cruel so im sorry that is how you feel about some of the posts. It certainly wasnt my intention to make you feel that way. I think most people who posted with a differing opinion about you PIL's were just trying to understand why you felt just in how you viewed them regarding the money issue and support.

I for one hope that you can sort this out and my apologies if my post was one of the ones that appeared cruel and unhelpful as it certainly wasnt my intention to do that.

Bananabelly

Molly41 wrote: »

This is my last post. I have lost so much more than my house. I have lost my health, my ability to walk, to cook, to shower myself, somedays to go to the toilet by myself. I have lost my ability to parent, to enjoy or participate in hobbies or a social life. I have lost my job as a midwife - one that was my vocation. I dont have the capacity to work and may never work again. My children have effectively lost a parent as most days I only function for a few hours. How bad does it have to be to be really bad? How about me being dead? Thats not a hysterical comment. I spend most of my life half dead anyway! PLEASE CAN WE CLOSE THIS THREAD NOW. THESE SORT OF COMMENTS ARE NOT HELPFUL AND FRANKLY ARE CRUEL.

That is the point I was trying to make. There are more important things than money, and more ways people around can help out than money.

This comment sounds very angry, which is completely understandable. You have lost so much already, and you don't want to lose your house as well. Although it's not your first priority now, please consider counselling to deal with these feelings you express above. Unfortunately family and money often don't mix, as you have found out. I think everyone on this board could relate a few stories about that. But they might (only you know them) be willing to help in other ways.

I think some people were trying to put themselves in the shoes of your PIL and see both sides of the story, I don't think anyone was deliberately cruel and heartless. But you are the ones that have to sort this out and I really do hope you find a solution.

lisaf

Hi Molly,
as soon as I read your first post, I just knew what the majority of posters would say! I am 100% with you on this and cannot believe that parents wouldn't help out of they could (in any capacity).
My dear Mum (who is widowed) has helped me out all ways since i had first DD(18). She would see herself out on the street before me and my kids. The same goes for the rest of my family (I am one of 7)! There is nothing and I mean nothing I wouldn't do if I could to help them out if they needed it.
My best friend has PIL's like yours also. She has 5 kids and has worked damned hard along with her OH to bring them up (both work). Due to the recession, they have almost lost their home on several occasions and the PIL know all this and have not even offered to help just a little to see them through. You may as well be speaking a different language as far as I'm concerned - I just don't get it at all.
What pleasure would you have in seeing your kids/grandkids struggle when you COULD help? As long as they haven't been frivolous then why wouldn't you do all you could?
I too am on the brink of losing my home and I honestly think my family are losing more sleep than me - and that is saying something.
Please try to stay strong Molly - much easier said than done I know and know that you have tried everything to keep your kids roof over their heads. The PIL should be ashamed of themselves.
It's very rare that I get so worked up on threads!
Lisa x

seven-day-weekend

lilac_lady wrote: »

As someone who would NEVER ask anyone for money and have always relied on myself to cope I can understand Molly's in-laws refusal.

Speaking as a parent who has given my children money now instead of when I'm not here, I can't understand their refusal.

What a dilemma for you Molly. I hope your luck changes.

That is exactly how I feel too.

I would help them if they were my family, but the OP's in-laws are certainly not obliged to.

poet123

Molly, I have read all the way through and here is my take. If you are the sort of parent yourself who would move mountains for your children then you cannot understand others who would not do the same. I am with you on that one, I just cannot fathom how people can sit by and do nothing but sadly we are not all the same.

What comes through to me from your posts is a sense of bewilderment and a feeling of abandonment by your PIL at your most desperate hour. That is not age dependent, in our lowest moments we all need "mothering", you dont mention your own parents so I am assuming that they are no longer with you, which probably compounds your feelings of loss. Added to that, you seem to have a difficult relationship with your OH due to your health issues,no wonder you are feeling desperate.

Sometimes though you have to just go with the flow, let the house go, sell up, rent privately, re group and focus on your health, and allowing yourself time to accept the reality of your situation. The stress of all this cannot be helping. If it was me I would sit down and write a letter to your in laws explaining in detail your situation and ask for their emotional support rather than financial support, in the long run things will work out for the best.

You dont say what your illness is, but any illness will be made worse by constant soul searching and endlessly turning over scenarios in your mind, it is wearing and demoralising. Focus your energies on finding a place to rent, claiming any and all benefits you are entitled to, surround yourself with friends who care for you, enjoy your kids and try to heal.

You didnt come across as money grabbing to me, just very sad and desperate, desperate to hang onto the life you know, which is understandable and very human. It seeems to me though that the time has come to put your health and well being before bricks and motar, a house is just that, a home can be made anywhere those closest and dearest to you are.

Good luck.

Savvy_sewing

Molly is very distressed at this thread and wants it to end now.
She is quite ill, I know, as she is a friend of mine. I think she is overwhelmed by her health issues, and that has componded the way she is feeling.
She cannot take the critisisms as she is such a gentle and kind sole. It has made her worse today, and she has now had to take to her bed again.
Please leave it at this now.
Thank you.