A dilemma regarding money and grandparents

Molly41

shop-to-drop wrote: »

I think it was reasonable for them to refuse. They are their life savings and have been saved to help them in retirement. They are young enough that they may need them to last another 20 or so years. The grandchildren will all be adults in five years and able to support themselves.

Please don't spoil the relationship you have with them. It is nice that you have a weekly phonecall try to not take it as personal rejection I'm sure it isn't.

Im sorry but it absolutely was a personal rejection. Im not aiming to spoil the relationship - they are spoiling the relationship and have contributed to this significantly by not visiting their grandchildren during a really really difficult year. I understand their reasons for not helping but it is personal and that's what's upsetting. How can it not be personal when it's your children's grandparents refusing help and support?

Molly41

peachyprice wrote: »

Could you afford the mortgage if you didn't have all the other debts? Is there equity in the house? Have you asked your mortgage co to switch to interest only? Would you be entitled to interest payment help from benefits?

We have explored all options. x

Soubrette

I don't think it was reasonable to refuse to help you tbh - based on the facts you've given.

My husband and I have a dream to move to a little place when the kids are independent and we are saving like mad towards this (I say we - him really as I work part time because of the kids ) and yet when his parents were worried about their house a few years ago, we were more than prepared to give them our savings to save their house.

Their situation was down to a serious of poor luck rather than poor budgeting or general spendthriftiness and so how could we not help out?

In the end they managed to sort themselves out (or at least they have said they have sorted it) so our help wasn't needed.

However, your in-laws have defined your relationship with them and in your position I would feel no qualms about not helping them out when they are either ill, frail or in need if I didn't want to do it.

Sou

Even though it may be understandable as to why they don't want to help - it just doesn't feel a reasonable thing to do

Molly41

mountainofdebt wrote: »

It sounds as if the initial request would have been better coming from your OH but I can understand why you are upset by the apparent lack of support.

Do they know the reason as to why you've had to take early retirement? If not it may be that they think you've given up work without thinking of the consequences?

Also they may have mistakenly believed that if they did help you out and they did need care soon after, it could be viewed as deliberately getting rid of assets and so be liable for any costs as if they did have those assets.

They have been kept informed of all our news particularly regarding my retirement. I understand that they are concerned about securing their future and they would like to be cared for in their own home if they needed it. However I know for a fact that they have many hundreds of thousands in the bank as I have been told by kids granny and i have no reason to doubt her. I think its more her husbands decision but never the less I respect their right to spend their money as they see fit but it still hurts.

meritaten

Molly, they are of a very different generation hun, they sound like people who believe you bring the children up until they are twenty one and then the kid is on its own! I have a marvellous parent myself who would sell her house before seeing ME on the streets, but my inlaws wouldnt have given us a penny! personally I wouldnt see my grandchildren homeless either so dont understand these people.
I think you should write to them as a couple - explain the reasons etc then if your OH is the one who will inherit ask if he couldnt have an advance on this to be taken out of his inheritance (if there are other beneficiaries who would be affected). in effect this is borrowing against future expectations and they may be more amenable to this idea. your OH should know them well enough to gauge whether this may be a good or bad approach - but i have known it to be done.
its one option anyway!

Soubrette

Could you give them a charge on the house and aim to move out when the youngest is independent ie finished full time education?

That way it wouldn't be a gift and they might get their money in 8 years time, perhaps even sooner if they needed it and you could downsize as the older children have moved out.

Sou

Molly41

Soubrette wrote: »

I don't think it was reasonable to refuse to help you tbh - based on the facts you've given.

My husband and I have a dream to move to a little place when the kids are independent and we are saving like mad towards this (I say we - him really as I work part time because of the kids ) and yet when his parents were worried about their house a few years ago, we were more than prepared to give them our savings to save their house.

Their situation was down to a serious of poor luck rather than poor budgeting or general spendthriftiness and so how could we not help out?

In the end they managed to sort themselves out (or at least they have said they have sorted it) so our help wasn't needed.

However, your in-laws have defined your relationship with them and in your position I would feel no qualms about not helping them out when they are either ill, frail or in need if I didn't want to do it.

Sou

Even though it may be understandable as to why they don't want to help - it just doesn't feel a reasonable thing to do

Yes thats what I find hard to understand. As i said in an earlier post I would move heaven and earth to help my kids - not just financially either. I hope I can do that for my children. Whats that saying..What comes around goes around... Although I couldn't see kids dad not helping if they were in trouble - he would be up to help like a shot. He has really struggled with this too.

Errata

Molly41 wrote: »

They have been kept informed of all our news particularly regarding my retirement. I understand that they are concerned about securing their future and they would like to be cared for in their own home if they needed it. However I know for a fact that they have many hundreds of thousands in the bank as I have been told by kids granny and i have no reason to doubt her. I think its more her husbands decision but never the less I respect their right to spend their money as they see fit but it still hurts.

I guess the point is that they're not spending their money, it's rotting away in a bank in case at some unknown point in the future they may need to pay someone to care for them. The chances of them both needing care which will cost many hundreds of thousands of pounds is vanishingly small. Buggger innit.

Molly41

meritaten wrote: »

Molly, they are of a very different generation hun, they sound like people who believe you bring the children up until they are twenty one and then the kid is on its own! I have a marvellous parent myself who would sell her house before seeing ME on the streets, but my inlaws wouldnt have given us a penny! personally I wouldnt see my grandchildren homeless either so dont understand these people.
I think you should write to them as a couple - explain the reasons etc then if your OH is the one who will inherit ask if he couldnt have an advance on this to be taken out of his inheritance (if there are other beneficiaries who would be affected). in effect this is borrowing against future expectations and they may be more amenable to this idea. your OH should know them well enough to gauge whether this may be a good or bad approach - but i have known it to be done.
its one option anyway!

This is an option that we have thought about. In fact my children are the main beneficiaries - which is rather ironic and very worrying as I have concerns about them inheriting such large sums of money at a relatively young age. DS1 would just squander it!

Molly41

Soubrette wrote: »

Could you give them a charge on the house and aim to move out when the youngest is independent ie finished full time education?

That way it wouldn't be a gift and they might get their money in 8 years time, perhaps even sooner if they needed it and you could downsize as the older children have moved out.

Sou

Thats a really good idea because it gives me more time to fight my insurance claim. I knew I would get some really positive ideas on here. Thankyou x