A dilemma regarding money and grandparents

Molly41

iwannabeloved wrote: »

And at 77 and 75 they only have limited time left to make the most of their lives by going on holiday (and they are entitled to it), whereas you and your children have much longer:)

Well I agree with you that they absolutely should have a really good quality of life and I dont begrudge them anything. Who knows how long any of us has to live?

elsien

They may be telling the truth about some of the money being tied up. My mum sold her business on retirement and bunged the capital in assorted funds, and because the stockmarket has nose-dived, she'd lose out massively if she tried to withdraw it at the moment.
They obviously do have some accessible money though, for holidays and daily living. Do you need huge amounts, or would it be feasible to ask for a loan to tide you over till you have a clearer idea of what is happening? Realistically, might you be in a position later on to pay something back, or would it have to be a gift?
Edit - I do think though that it might be better with requests coming from your partner rather than you. He may be able to explain just why you are all struggling so much at the moment, and because he's their son they might listen to him more, or take him more seriously. I know some men struggle with this type of thing (my brother certainly would) but I still think my mum would take it on board more if it came from him than from his wife.

Ma_Boswell

Hi Molly
Sorry you are in such a bad situation right now. Unfortunately you are right - it is their money and older people do worry more about things going wrong ( understandably and reasonably) so they don't want to give their safety net away. But it hurts, especially because of the children. Is the children's father around? ( sorry if that is a painful question). Could he help or intercede with his parents? Why won't your mortgage insurer pay out? Could you take your insurance case to an ombudsman? If you have been retired permanently on health grounds have you checked into all the benefits available - and don't forget that a lettter to your MP can suddenly change the Benefits Agency's view of your case ( they informed my mum after her stroke that she did not qualify for attendance allowance - i wrote to her MP and suddenly she did...).

I'm quite a new MSEr and don't know as much as most on here so I'm sure others will have lots of excellent advice.

Its sad that your in-laws don't want to help ( or feel they can't) but its not that unusual unfortunately- they are probably fond of your children but don't have the same passionate attachment that you do and they may not realise how bad things are for you - people's lives are a mystery to those not living them - especially as you haven't seen them for a year so are presumably not that close ( sorry, assumption, am prepared to be shot down in flames).

I hope you get some good advice and you have my sympathy, for what its worth

Ma_Boswell

Molly

many questions answered while i posted - sorry, please ignore irrelevancies

Fang_3

Molly41 wrote: »

He can be a buffer but he is upset on my behalf and also has realised that he has no backup should anything bad happen!

Are you with him or separated?

Molly41

elsien wrote: »

They may be telling the truth about some of the money being tied up. My mum sold her business on retirement and bunged the capital in assorted funds, and because the stockmarket has nose-dived, she'd lose out massively if she tried to withdraw it at the moment.
They obviously do have some accessible money though, for holidays and daily living. Do you need huge amounts, or would it be feasible to ask for a loan to tide you over till you have a clearer idea of what is happening? Realistically, might you be in a position later on to pay something back, or would it have to be a gift?
Edit - I do think though that it might be better with requests coming from your partner rather than you. He may be able to explain just why you are all struggling so much at the moment, and because he's their son they might listen to him more, or take him more seriously. I know some men struggle with this type of thing (my brother certainly would) but I still think my mum would take it on board more if it came from him than from his wife.

It would have to be a gift as realistically we couldn't afford to repay it unless my insurance payed out. I have done all i can regarding sorting my finances and the insurance case is with the Financial Ombudsman but Im not hopeful. I truly do understand their reasons but find it incredibly hurtful and then i feel angry. Perhaps Im angry with my situation as I took on too much debt. Its not their place to bale me out but they only have four grandkids and this situation is not their fault.

Id rather not go into dynamics of my relationship with their father. It has been under an awful strain since i have been ill and he effectively had to become my carer. He has also talked to his parents but has a very formal and distant relationship with them

Many thanks to all who have responded - it helps me to understand. I mean really we are born with nothing and go out with nothing so I just need to get a grip!

Soubrette

Molly41 wrote: »

It would have to be a gift as realistically we couldn't afford to repay it unless my insurance payed out. I have done all i can regarding sorting my finances and the insurance case is with the Financial Ombudsman but Im not hopeful. I truly do understand their reasons but find it incredibly hurtful and then i feel angry. Perhaps Im angry with my situation as I took on too much debt. Its not their place to bale me out but they only have four grandkids and this situation is not their fault.

Id rather not go into dynamics of my relationship with their father. It has been under an awful strain since i have been ill and he effectively had to become my carer. He has also talked to his parents but has a very formal and distant relationship with them

Many thanks to all who have responded - it helps me to understand. I mean really we are born with nothing and go out with nothing so I just need to get a grip!

If the mortgage protection is not paying out - is there a case for misselling?

And I notice you've been a poster on here for a while so the answer is probably yes but have you tried posting on the debtfreewannabe board for some ideas on how to cope with your debts in these different circumstances (possible IVA/DMP etc)?

I hope your relationship with the grandparents can recover from this

Lots of luck and fingers crossed with the ombudsman.

Sou

Molly41

I have looked at all the options regarding sorting my debts. I will continue to pursue my insurance claim but its just so exhausting and in reality we probably wont be able to continue to pay the mortgage.

I think the relationship has been damaged and i dont think I can repair it. Im normally so forgiving and can see other's point of view but Im just so incredibly hurt by their lack of empathy for our situation. Thanks for your support.

Errata

Molly41 wrote: »

Yes its absolutely my job and one that I have never shied away from. It took me a lot of soul searching and courage to ask. I pray to God every night that it will always be my job to look after my kids and that I can get my youngest son through to 18. It has shaken me up that actually I dont have the support and backup should I not be able to look after my kids.

Molly - so sorry to read the situation you find yourself in. It seems to me that there are two separate problems you have to sort out in your head and deal with. The first is the money you need won't be available to you, that's a fairly black and white thing and can only be dealt with on a very practical level.
The second thing is the support you believed was there clearly isn't. I can understand a little of what this must feel like for you as the only family I have left have in the last few weeks turned their backs on me when I desparately needed their emotional support. I have no idea why, am getting my head round their reaction and don't ever plan to ask them why they've behaved the way they have. The rug has been pulled from under your feet and nothing you have done has caused this. That's a very hard thing to accept, and you may never understand what has motivated them and you may have to learn to live with that.
Not sure if this is much help to you, but didn't want to read and run. All the best.

crutches

((((((((((((((hug)))))))))))
I wish they could help you out.