A dilemma regarding money and grandparents

Molly41

Errata wrote: »

Molly - so sorry to read the situation you find yourself in. It seems to me that there are two separate problems you have to sort out in your head and deal with. The first is the money you need won't be available to you, that's a fairly black and white thing and can only be dealt with on a very practical level.
The second thing is the support you believed was there clearly isn't. I can understand a little of what this must feel like for you as the only family I have left have in the last few weeks turned their backs on me when I desparately needed their emotional support. I have no idea why, am getting my head round their reaction and don't ever plan to ask them why they've behaved the way they have. The rug has been pulled from under your feet and nothing you have done has caused this. That's a very hard thing to accept, and you may never understand what has motivated them and you may have to learn to live with that.
Not sure if this is much help to you, but didn't want to read and run. All the best.

Thank you for your support. This is what has upset us the most - that they have chosen not to support us. Effectively if anything ever happened to me or my kids dad then my kids would have no-one. I suppose my youngest son could be cared by the eldest but to be honest my youngest son is more responsible than my eldest:eek: Like you say when things are pottering along then you dont focus on that sort of thing but when things get tough and you need support - then you realise you are literally on your own:eek: I shall try and follow my motto in life - Keep Calm and Carry On! I hope you sort things out with your familyx

meritaten

I am so sorry hun, this is an awful situation to be in through no fault of your own.

I havent got any advice Im sorry - there are far more experienced posters on here than me! except to say that older people can be very very afraid of being dependant on the state in their later years and this is prob why they wont let you have the money. of course if they are that well off then whoever inherits could well have a huge chunk of inheritance tax to pay and they may want to pre-empt this by gifting some of the money???? (hint for your hubby here).

elsien

The only other suggestion I have, (but the family dynamics might already have gone past this stage) is could you write to them?
You have a way of putting things that is very clear and acknowledges both points of view. You may not want to put yourselves through it, given what's already happened, but you could send them a letter from the two of you stating without blame why you needed to ask and why it's so important to you for the sake of your children rather than yourselves - say what you've said to us, that you understand it's their money to do with as they wish, but that their support is important to you both and the concerns you have for the future (about everything, not just the money.)
Sometimes it's easier to put things on paper so that you say what you need to say, don't miss anything out, and don't say things that you may later regret.
Then the ball's in their court, you know you've done all you can and where you have to go from here. It may be that you feel you don't want to go back pleading to them given their initial response, but it isn't anything that you haven't already said, so it might be worth a go. And then at least you'll know for sure where you all rate in their priorities.
Good luck, whatever happens.

peachyprice

Could you afford the mortgage if you didn't have all the other debts? Is there equity in the house? Have you asked your mortgage co to switch to interest only? Would you be entitled to interest payment help from benefits?

shop-to-drop

I think it was reasonable for them to refuse. They are their life savings and have been saved to help them in retirement. They are young enough that they may need them to last another 20 or so years. The grandchildren will all be adults in five years and able to support themselves.

Please don't spoil the relationship you have with them. It is nice that you have a weekly phonecall try to not take it as personal rejection I'm sure it isn't.

mountainofdebt

It sounds as if the initial request would have been better coming from your OH but I can understand why you are upset by the apparent lack of support.

Do they know the reason as to why you've had to take early retirement? If not it may be that they think you've given up work without thinking of the consequences?

Also they may have mistakenly believed that if they did help you out and they did need care soon after, it could be viewed as deliberately getting rid of assets and so be liable for any costs as if they did have those assets.

Fang_3

Molly41 wrote: »

Thank you for your support. This is what has upset us the most - that they have chosen not to support us. Effectively if anything ever happened to me or my kids dad then my kids would have no-one. I suppose my youngest son could be cared by the eldest but to be honest my youngest son is more responsible than my eldest:eek: Like you say when things are pottering along then you dont focus on that sort of thing but when things get tough and you need support - then you realise you are literally on your own:eek: I shall try and follow my motto in life - Keep Calm and Carry On! I hope you sort things out with your familyx

But their money is tied up. It may well be that they just can't help you. And being in their 70's I'm not surprised that they wouldn't want to give up their security so late in life. You say that they aren't close with their son or grandchildren, if that's so, why would you expect them to bail you out at the expense or a comfortable way out of life?

They could of course not realise how serious it is? Or they could just not have as much money as you think? How do you know they have that amount of money?

It may seem cruel for them to seem unwilling to help you, but you have to see it from their point of view - you and your children have a future to re-build your lives and finances. If they were to bail you out they face the very real prospect of dying in poverty and not being able to have dignity in old age.

Molly41

elsien wrote: »

The only other suggestion I have, (but the family dynamics might already have gone past this stage) is could you write to them?
You have a way of putting things that is very clear and acknowledges both points of view. You may not want to put yourselves through it, given what's already happened, but you could send them a letter from the two of you stating without blame why you needed to ask and why it's so important to you for the sake of your children rather than yourselves - say what you've said to us, that you understand it's their money to do with as they wish, but that their support is important to you both and the concerns you have for the future.
Sometimes it's easier to put things on paper so that you say what you need to say, don't miss anything out, and don't say things that you may later regret.
Then the ball's in their court, you know you've done all you can and where you have to go from here. It may be that you feel you don't want to go back pleading to them given their initial response, but it isn't anything that you haven't already said, so it might be worth a go. And then at least you'll know for sure where you all rate in their priorities.
Good luck, whatever happens.

Thank you thats a really good idea and one i had not thought about. I will talk yo kids dad regarding this and see what he says. I have some breathing space as they have gone on holiday for two weeks so can think about it. Im not proud - id do anything (legally) to try and resolve this situation.

Errata

Molly41 wrote: »

Thank you for your support. This is what has upset us the most - that they have chosen not to support us. Effectively if anything ever happened to me or my kids dad then my kids would have no-one. I suppose my youngest son could be cared by the eldest but to be honest my youngest son is more responsible than my eldest:eek: Like you say when things are pottering along then you dont focus on that sort of thing but when things get tough and you need support - then you realise you are literally on your own:eek: I shall try and follow my motto in life - Keep Calm and Carry On! I hope you sort things out with your familyx

Bless you, always remember your kids will have each other and you. Every cloud has a silver lining and when one finds oneself having to deal with difficulties using one's own resources then there can't be any unrealistic, and unfulfilled, expectations of others.
You've had to deal with an awful lot and you've come through it, Keep Calm and Carry On is good - but don't forget to briefly Panic and Run Fast !
Thanks for your kind thoughts. Right now my family can do one !

GobbledyGook

I can understand how upsetting it is for you to realise that the back-up you thought was there is not. It feels like a rug is pulled from under your feet.

I would write to them. I would apologise for needing to ask them and say that you hope they will not think badly of you. Then you can explain exactly why you asked. This gives them the chance to say that they didn't realise how serious the situation was if they didn't, but also lets them know the position you are in so they cannot say the did not know without doing any further damage to your relationship.

They may genuinely have their money all tied up in things. My PIL are well off, but most of their money is in shares and things that they genuinely couldn't access very quickly. I hope you can salvage your relationship with them and your situation eases soon.

Gemma x