A dilemma regarding money and grandparents

kerrymay

Hi Molly

I hope everything works out for you, it must be a very unsettling time. I haven't got any real practical advice - sorry! - but I just wanted to say that I understand how you are feeling. Two years ago my husband went through a really rocky time at work and it looked like he would be out of a job thanks to the recession. I phoned my Mum to tell her the news, really just wanted to have a good cry and get some support. I wasn't after money although my parents have a lot of it - but thought that she might offer a loan for a couple of months just to stop me worrying. I have 3 young children. My Mum made it very clear that I was on my own, she'd done her bit as far as bringing me up was concerned and that was that. It hurt a lot - I could never imagine not being a source of emotional (and tbh if I had it and they needed it, financial) support to my children no matter how old they are or where in the world they are.

But I think different generations see things differently. Let's hope you can sort things out without your inlaws help - we did it without any help from anyone in the end thankfully - and at least you can rest assured that your inlaws will not be a financial burden to you at any point thanks to all the money they have put away. And maybe your children won't be helped out now by their Grandparents but they hopefully will be later in life!

I know I haven't been much practical help but just wanted to say I understand what you are feeling. Good luck xx

shellsuit

Molly41 wrote: »

They have been kept informed of all our news particularly regarding my retirement. I understand that they are concerned about securing their future and they would like to be cared for in their own home if they needed it. However I know for a fact that they have many hundreds of thousands in the bank as I have been told by kids granny and i have no reason to doubt her. I think its more her husbands decision but never the less I respect their right to spend their money as they see fit but it still hurts.

They may have hundreds of thousands in the bank (you don't know this for sure unless you look at a bank statement) but it is their money, for their future.

Am I the only one who thinks it is a God damn cheek to have even asked, but even more of a cheek to be annoyed and upset over the rejection to help?

They're not even your parents ~ your children are not their responsibility. Where is Dad in all of this?

I understand you are going through a rough time at the moment, but you're getting cross with the wrong people.

Thumper7

Molly

I'm sorry that you are going through such a bad time and I hope that your Insurance claim will be settled.

However, I do agree with Shell, it is not your PIL responsibility.

If you had asked for a couple of thousand to tide you over I can sort of see your point but if you have asked for tens of thousands to pay of your mortgage/debts, then I can see their point. It maybe that they were shocked at the amount of money you asked for and their first reaction was no

I really do hope things get sorted for you.

Bananabelly

The thing that stands out to me is that they don't appear to have not offered to help, they just haven't acquiesed to your request for money. I would be extremely uncomfortable lending large amounts of money to other people in the family, because it can really get in the way of a relationship and cause bad feeling.

If I were in your PIL position I would think, like shellsuit said, that it is very cheeky to ask (although it appears you thought long and hard about it before you did). I would resent being put in that uncomfortable position, and it would feel like emotional blackmail trying to tell me that if I didn't give you money my grandkids were going to be homeless. The reality is that you could rent for a while, or there may be other options such as some of the posters have suggested. In the situation of your PIL I would not be keen to lend money because it might damage the relationship, but I would still be offering my support, even to the point of letting you move in temporarily if you did lose your house.

Just because they didn't offer you money doesn't mean they won't help and support you necessarily. You seem to think the only input they can give is money, and I would understand if they resented that, particularly when they may have no other income. Sorry if that seems harsh.

kegg_2

This country has a very generous benefit system which you are in receipt of and now you want your in laws to dig into their retirment fund to pay your debts and mortgage.
We will probably lose our home as we cant afford the mortgage, pay our debts and live.

If you cant afford the house you have now down size and if you cant afford your debts then get in contact with your creditors and sort out a lower repayment plan.

You cannot expect someone else even if they are family to have to bale you out. Your inlaws are old and you
shouldn't try putting emotional pressure on them to get your hands on their nest egg.

mountainofdebt

The other thing to bear in mind is that they may be waiting to see if the insurance problem can be sorted out - and if it can't then, and only then, they might step in.

It might seem abit harsh - and unnecessarily putiing you through the mill - but perhaps this is their train of thought.

Molly41

I thank you for your comments. I take on board your suggestions. Im quite upset that people think Im money grabbing because actually nothing could be further from the truth. Im actually a very generous person and would move heaven and earth to help my children and that is not just financially. I have worked for the NHS all my life and resent the suggestion that I dont care for my PIL - I do and would help them if they needed it. I agree that its not their place to support me and my children financially and will get over myself in time. As stated Im more upset by the total lack of emotional/ practical support and worried about what would happen to my children if something should happen to myself or their dad. I obviously have different priorities and very much hope that if my children (and grandchildren) find themselves in this situation I will be able to help them and Im not just talking financially but on a practical basis also.

Brighton_belle

kerrymay wrote: »

But I think different generations see things differently.

Several people have mentions it might be a generational thing.
My parents are 82 and couldn't be more different to the OP's in laws. And have proved this on numerous occasions, so I think it is not generational but just the sort of person you are.
So sorry you are going thorough this OP.

mountainofdebt

Molly

I can understand your comments and I guess when your back is up against the wall anyone would try anything to get out of that situation.

However what continues to strike me about your posts, and you've not expanded on, is why you asked your PIL and not your OH, or at least both of you, as well as what his take on the situation is.

Does he have a good relationship with his parents, as I guess this may have some bearing also on their response.

shellsuit

Molly41 wrote: »

I thank you for your comments. I take on board your suggestions. Im quite upset that people think Im money grabbing because actually nothing could be further from the truth. Im actually a very generous person and would move heaven and earth to help my children and that is not just financially. I have worked for the NHS all my life and resent the suggestion that I dont care for my PIL - I do and would help them if they needed it. I agree that its not their place to support me and my children financially and will get over myself in time. As stated Im more upset by the total lack of emotional/ practical support and worried about what would happen to my children if something should happen to myself or their dad. I obviously have different priorities and very much hope that if my children (and grandchildren) find themselves in this situation I will be able to help them and Im not just talking financially but on a practical basis also.

Don't you get emotional and practical support from your parents??

I don't get why the PIL are being made out to be the baddies.

Are you hurt that they are supposed to have all this money but won't dole it out and don't seem interested or worried about you and your family? That's how you are coming across ~ I can sense a bit of the green eyed monster to be honest.

And again, where is their son in all of this???