Feeling so bad - help

bestpud

saraht wrote: »

With all due respect, the OP made explicitly clear how bad she feels about what has happened, what is the point in making her feel worse? As she seems very upset ad down about it, why wouldn't people want to make her feel better.

It's very easy to be judgemental about parenting, but to be fair emsywoo perhaps the OP could turn round and criticise you for getting pregnant by someone you already knew to be an alcoholic. I'm sure you wouldn't want people making you feel worse by saying what an irresponsible thing that is to do, how unfair on the child etc. Let me just make clear that I am NOT trying to have a go at you here, just pointing out that no one is a perfect parent, people make mistakes and don't plan for all their actions, we are all human, and if we feel bad for making a mistake it is support, not criticism we need and deserve to get on here. You are definitely included in that.

Well put - thank you!

I was trying to find a tactful way of saying just that! :beer:

emsywoo123

Clearly, when I made my post, I knew that there would be a backlash as I mentioned.

The difference between what I may have done and what the OP has done is that I have never, and know that I would never, physically lash out at my child.

I shall leave you lot to your mutual hugs and never mind we are not perfect.

And yes I am being smug that I have never slapped nor would I slap my child, and I really don't care.

I shall leave the thread now so you can all carry on saying (if not explicitly) that it does not matter.

bestpud

emsywoo123 wrote: »

Clearly, when I made my post, I knew that there would be a backlash as I mentioned.

The difference between what I may have done and what the OP has done is that I have never, and know that I would never, physically lash out at my child.

I shall leave you lot to your mutual hugs and never mind we are not perfect.

And yes I am being smug that I have never slapped nor would I slap my child, and I really don't care.

I shall leave the thread now so you can all carry on saying (if not explicitly) that it does not matter.

There is more than one way to 'damage' a child though!

One slap in an otherwise ok environment will not cause lasting damage but no slaps at all in a poorer environment may.

I'm not saying either applies here as I don't know but do you see how parenting is not either/or?

I say this as someone who strongly disagrees with smacking children (I feel quite horrified when parents defend it as a disciplinary method tbh) and someone who had an alcoholic father.

In general it doesn't hurt children to realise we are all human and we sometimes mess up - it's how we handle those mess ups that has a lasting
impact.

seafarers_wife

I was smacked as a child and each and every time I deserved it to be honest, I do remember the later smackings when i was 8 or 9, but cant remeber being smacked when i was younger. I know i got smacked cause i was an absoulte brat at times but it was a disipline method that worked for my parents and me and my brother. Grounding didnt work as we lived in the middle of nowhere so couldnt go out and play with friends anyways, loss of privelages didnt work as we didnt have tvs etc in our rooms the same as our friends did (by the way im 24) and sending us to our rooms well i had lots of books so it wasnt a punishment to be sent to my room for an hour or two.

I can tell everyone one thing, the behaviour i see from children now could be cured by a good hard smack to the legs, I would never have dared to behave the way some of these brats behave in public when they are out with their parents because i knew that no matter where we were, if i didnt do what i was told the first time, the 2nd time i would get a smacked backside if we were out and about.

Op dont worry about it, your son was being a little brat, he will remember it and i doubt he will push you to the limit like that again.

gonzo127

emsywoo123 wrote: »

The difference between what I may have done and what the OP has done is that I have never, and know that I would never, physically lash out at my child.

Just wondering where you got your crystal ball from as I would like one!

NO ONE on this planet can ever say what they will never do something - everyone has a 'breaking point' this is a biological and psychological fact, and with the fact we are still only animals when all reason leaves us due to that breaking point we will resort to animal instincts which is lashing out.

yes you can have all the best intentions in the world but you can not say you will never do something, personally i have never slapped or smacked either my child or step children, yes I have felt myself get that angry in some instances that i could have but i always managed to stop myself from doing so but to say you never will now that’s just a case of massive egotistical talking

Just wondering if you parents ever smacked your bum when you were younger and if so are you disgusted by them?

How about your grandparents to your parents? Disgusted by them as well?

Do you still speak to them? if so why would you do such a horrible thing and talk to these types of people? Surely you should shun them for their despicable actions

Should they be eternally ashamed and damned?

flippin36

I think emsywoo didn't quite understand what the thread was meant to be about. OP didn't write - I slapped my son last night, do you think I did the right thing?! OP didn't want to start a debate on smacking, she wanted advice on how to deal with whats happened and how she can move on from it. She has been given excellent advice on how to cope with those challenging moments, and there have been some very honest accounts of how other parents have got it wrong too and have learned from it.

I'm not entirely sure what emsywoo wanted OP to do, she didn't suggest an alternative way of coping with difficult teens, she just wanted to berate her for something she was already punishing herself for . To be able to forgive yourself and learn from your mistakes is a very valuable thing.

My brother in law worked in a very run down council estate, with lots of problematic families. The things he would tell me would make the toughest of people cry . Things he would see and hear would get reported to SS but he would be back 6 months later and the same families were still there, drinking cider out of a mug at 9am, kids living in really horrible, infested conditions. He is 6ft tall and a big bloke and even he was intimidated by the aggressive nature of some of the tenants. Lets get some perspective, OP clearly is a loving mum, who is conscientious regarding her parenting, which is why she was so upset. I really hope she's feeling better today.

emsywoo123

gonzo127 wrote: »

Just wondering where you got your crystal ball from as I would like one!

NO ONE on this planet can ever say what they will never do something - everyone has a 'breaking point' this is a biological and psychological fact, and with the fact we are still only animals when all reason leaves us due to that breaking point we will resort to animal instincts which is lashing out.

I would walk away


yes you can have all the best intentions in the world but you can not say you will never do something, personally i have never slapped or smacked either my child or step children, yes I have felt myself get that angry in some instances that i could have but i always managed to stop myself from doing so but to say you never will now that’s just a case of massive egotistical talking

Ego? Or decency?


Just wondering if you parents ever smacked your bum when you were younger and if so are you disgusted by them?

No I was not smacked


How about your grandparents to your parents? Disgusted by them as well?

Yes and yes

Do you still speak to them? if so why would you do such a horrible thing and talk to these types of people? Surely you should shun them for their despicable actions

No I do not talk to her.


Should they be eternally ashamed and damned?

Disagree all you want, I stand by what I said.

seven-day-weekend

Emsywoo, I guarantee that some day, you will do something of which you are terribly ashamed and know is wrong. It may not be slapping your children, (although it might be), but there WILL be something.

I really hope that you get people saying something other than what a dreadful person you are for having done it. I hope that people will be able to empathise with you and offer you support in dealing with this action which you know to be wrong and are already berating yourself for having done. I hope that people do not ever just say that they would never have done such a terrible thing and leave you unsupported and feeling like the worst person in the world.

I really hope that when your time comes that people show more understanding than you have shown the OP.

emsywoo123

I am not going to state my point again, which I am sure you will all be relieved to hear, but there is NOTHING that any of you can say that will make me think differently about slapping a child.

seven-day-weekend

Emsywoo, no-one has said that you must feel differently, what they have said is that the OP made a mistake, knows it was very wrong, is sorry and feeling bad about what she did and needs support on how to deal with it more appropriately in the future.

She needs support at this time, not condemnation. She knows what she did was wrong, that is WHY she is feeling so bad about it.