Feeling so bad - help

Money_maker

I find that at the age of OP's child, banning the games consoles, laptops, mobiles, pocket money works more effectively - he's a little bit too big for a slap.

I, however, do believe in smacking in certain situations.

Manys the child I've seen who could have benefitted from a smack. The smug parents may be non-smacking but what a little horror they have created!

flippin36

I actually found that very moving bugbabe (I had to wipe a tear away), thank you for posting.

the_cat

Money_maker wrote: »

I find that at the age of OP's child, banning the games consoles, laptops, mobiles, pocket money works more effectively - he's a little bit too big for a slap.

I, however, do believe in smacking in certain situations.

I certainly agree with this!!
When my kids were much younger, they very occasionally got a smack on the legs for something very bad, but as they grew older this was switched to banning games consoles etc.
Both of them remember being smacked. Both of them have said that they wished I still did that as it was in their eyes a much lesser punishment. They described it as 'unpleasant but over with quickly' but the withdrawing privilages 'hurt them for so much longer':rotfl:

My advice would be to be LESS tolerant of the small stuff.... sounds strange maybe, but the reason you snapped was that it was the final straw and an accumulation of ALL of the things that had happened that evening. Punish the first one (by not letting him use the DS or play out maybe?) and don't let it escalate until you are at the end of your tether

nigem

Boys of that age are difficult! They are beginning to get hormonal changes and the testosterone controls them. It doesnt help that he was shown up in front of his friends. Soon he will probably be bigger than you, and you need to find a way of disciplining that is not physical!
The other half of the time he is a child and has maybe got an underlying issue with school or friendships that is worrying him. Hopefully you and he will be able to chat and find out the root of the issue.

[Deleted User]

Yes I agree.., we are parents, we are not superhuman beings of perfection. Sometimes we do and say things we regret. U try to control it but sometimes u do snap. Its not accceptable but it is very understandable. If I feel I have told my son off when it was inappropriate etc.., I apologise to my son and say I'm not perfect. However, the one time I pushed him cause cause he wouldn't go upstairs (and I pushed too hard in the direction of the stairs and he fell) i got so angry at his cheek.., I also explained why it happened and while it was never acceptable.., there were reasons (his behaviour) why it happened. I did feel extremely bad about it and still do.

I'd think about what aspects of his behaviour u feel need to change. Concentrate on say four or five things.., and set rules and consequences. Explain them to the children (like his toys will go in a black dustbin bag half an hour after u have asked him to tidy up) etc etc.

He is perfectly able to put his own clothes away.., get him to check the washing after its been sorted as a sort of inspector so he has a role in jobs like that.

And yes, try to find out if he is having problems with his homework. See if u can think of a way of getting through to him you are on his side, with my son who has ASD and really bad handwriting we did have a lot of homework issues, and I got him to see that if I helped, his homework got better grades.., I made sure i didn't lose my temper altho I felt like biting his and my hands off at times I was so wound up.., I didn't let him know. Whatever control it took, I made sure homework had an element of fun and joked about things while we did it.., and praised him for every thing he did right or got right, pointing out his progress on the way. Now we have no homework issues but its taken over a year and is still a work in progress because the difficulties are constantly changing. With my son, after the appointed homework time I don't allow him to use any console, watch TV, play etc , until homework is done. I ignore any protests totally. They soon realise its not worth it altho u will have a day or two of hell first. Its the same as bullying, the cheeky behaviour will only continue if there's a reward in it for him i.e. u getting stressed and arguing back. Don't argue.., keep quiet and turn the fuse box off for half an hour if needs be (we've done it). They soon change their tune lol. I also have made it clear that mum doesn't feel so keen to do nice things for him if she's wound up.

elisamoose

Interesting that most posters are saying that social services would not get involved. I work on the pastoral side in a school and if a pupil disclosed that his parent had slapped his face, I would log it and refer to CP officer within school. In my experience , any physical contact of this sort would result in a referral to social services who may then decide to investigate.

I am not passing an opinion on the OP, just stating what would happen in school. No choice.The rules!

slightlyconfused1

As parents we all get pushed to our limit. I'm a great believer in apologising. If my children behave badly I expect an apology from them, if I behave in a way that I am unhappy with (I tend to shout or get grumpy) I apologise to them and explain why I am apologising.

OP I would sit your son down and apologise for slapping him and explain why you lost your temper. If you speak to him and explain that the constant battle with him is really wearing you down and try and reach some kind of compromise over certain areas then hopefully things will get a bit better.

I try and pick my battles very carefully with my 17yr old DS. His room is his business. I just close the door and leave him to his mess. It breaks my heart when I actually look in. He knows that I only take him to task over really important issues (important to me) and he seems to listen more.

Please stop torturing yourself. No parent is perfect and we all do things we regret.

Hope you can clear the air with your son.

summerday

emsywoo123 wrote: »

So I cannot have an opinion? I am not allowed to say that what I think she did was wrong and that I think by people saying to her "never mind, it happens" is only just going to make her feel better?

I am not sure WHY everyone wants her to feel better after what she has done? OP I know you regret it and that is really important, but I fear belittling what has been done is not really helping the OP either.

With all due respect, the OP made explicitly clear how bad she feels about what has happened, what is the point in making her feel worse? As she seems very upset ad down about it, why wouldn't people want to make her feel better.

It's very easy to be judgemental about parenting, but to be fair emsywoo perhaps the OP could turn round and criticise you for getting pregnant by someone you already knew to be an alcoholic. I'm sure you wouldn't want people making you feel worse by saying what an irresponsible thing that is to do, how unfair on the child etc. Let me just make clear that I am NOT trying to have a go at you here, just pointing out that no one is a perfect parent, people make mistakes and don't plan for all their actions, we are all human, and if we feel bad for making a mistake it is support, not criticism we need and deserve to get on here. You are definitely included in that.

red_devil

Money_maker wrote: »

I find that at the age of OP's child, banning the games consoles, laptops, mobiles, pocket money works more effectively - he's a little bit too big for a slap.

I, however, do believe in smacking in certain situations.

Manys the child I've seen who could have benefitted from a smack. The smug parents may be non-smacking but what a little horror they have created!

blimey kids having mobiles, laptops, pocket money then being cheeky into the bargain who do they think they are?

Its no wonder parents snap they are under so much pressure. I would not worry op.

red_devil

elisamoose wrote: »

Interesting that most posters are saying that social services would not get involved. I work on the pastoral side in a school and if a pupil disclosed that his parent had slapped his face, I would log it and refer to CP officer within school. In my experience , any physical contact of this sort would result in a referral to social services who may then decide to investigate.

I am not passing an opinion on the OP, just stating what would happen in school. No choice.The rules!

what a mad country we live in! social workers may investigate a child whose face may have been slapped but can let kids like baby P and countless others be battered to death right under their noses.