Feeling so bad - help

floss2

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

...for a start I'd stop tidying his room: I think he's quite old enough to be asked to do that for himself. And he can sort his clean laundry for himself as well.

My two sons had to keep their rooms tidy from the age of 6 - they are quite capable of tidying toys & books away, and their skill range expands as they get older. By 11, both were having to put their clean socks & undies away. To make it easier, DS1 had black socks & undies, DS2 had grey socks and boxers.

Re Lego, think about introducing ground rules whereby when building a ship for example, the loose bits are put back into their box when the session is finished until the whole building project is complete.

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

I don't approve of adults using physical violence against kids either but I wasn't standing in her shoes at the time. I believe the OP is quite aware of what she SHOULD have done but unfortunately that can't be changed. All that can be done now is to use the experience and learn from it and try to find a way together to move forward. I don't think being judgmental without offering any constructive advice is terribly helpful in this instance.

I agree.

OP, why does your son feel it is OK to ignore you? Do his siblings or any other family members do the same? How is his school work - have you had parents evening yet? Is he being challenged enough or is he finding it easy?

Fuzzy_Duck

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I read this thread and was to comment, and then thought I'd best not as my thoughts went against the others, but this is my opinion, and others have posted theirs so I will post mine.........

I'm not going to post exactly what I thought, as you seem very remorseful, and you know what you did was wrong, but I am surprised at the level of support you have had, as I am in complete opposition.

As far as I am concerned, you went too far. He is still a child and IMHO slapping him was an absolute action of bully boy behaviour.

As the adult you should have been able to deal with this differently without resorting to violence.

I will await everyone's criticism, but this is honestly what i think.

I think the issue here is that OP knows it is wrong, and she is sorry. It's easy to judge but we were not standing in OP's shoes at the time. I really feel for OP because it does sound she's getting little support from her husband, and despite doing her best for her son he is currently behaving badly. If you have managed to deal with a badly behaved child without losing your rag, good for you, but the majority of us do lose it at times. The fact is, OP, like many parents, regrets her past actions and wishes she hadn't done it. She can't turn back the clock and that's why this comment- although I understand why you wrote it- isn't particularly helpful. OP has suffered enough without being told she is a prime example of a bully.

Yes, hitting anyone is wrong but let's not forget it was a slap on the face, not a full blown punch. I'm sure it shocked OP's son at the time but I seriously doubt it hurt him or he's going to end up traumatised by it. If anything I hope it has made him realise that his bad behaviour led to this, and he needs to sort himself out for his sake and OP. We have already encouraged OP to apologise for her actions- although it's important she does not let this distract from the fact he deliberately pushed her buttons.

Anyway. We've had a huge topic about slapping children before and I know I and many others were accused of being bullies and worse- let's not bring up all those ugly words again. This thread is for giving OP guidance and support so both she and her son can get this nipped in the bud as soon as possible.

the_cat

emsywoo123 wrote: »

As the adult you should have been able to deal with this differently without resorting to violence.

The OP clearly agrees with you and has come here to ask for advice on how to cope in the future.

Your opinion is valid but not of any constructive use

Raini

OP, while I don't agree with smacking there is a difference between a smack and abuse. Your behaviour was not abusive and I base this on personal experience and as a professional working in mental health (with adults and adolescents). I think saying you're sorry to your son would be a very good thing, it would show him that you respect him enough to say sorry, that admitting your mistakes may not be easy but the right thing to do and would reassure him that this will not happen again. However, I think you would also be right to explain that his behaviour is not acceptable and it would be useful to explain what specific behaviours upset/frustrate you and why.

Also, it has been suggested that children need to 'put their mess somewhere'. Sometimes the physical chaos of a messy room can be a way of expressing emotions (normal teenage emotions) and some would say this is a useful thing to do. Whether or not you agree with this, I don't believe there is any reason why he can't take responsibility for his own room and his washing etc. I remember hating the fact I had no privacy at home most out of everything that happened. Giving privacy is a way of showing respect and I believe that's how you get it in return. Although, I wouldn't leave him to do his homework completely by himself as I learnt very quickly that nothing much happened at school if the homework didn't get done - it was a large inner city school with 30+ kids in a class, it maybe different at his school but I wouldn't risk it personally.

I would also be clear about boundaries. If he is disrespectful there are consequences, i.e. no DS, no playing out, etc. But you do need to spell out what you see as disrespectful - teenagers often get lost in their emotions and can find it difficult to see how their behaviour can make others feel. And once you know that he is aware of how you feel you can expect better behaviour from him.

When he is grown up I doubt very much that he will hold this against you, were you a monster why would you care? Clearly you love him very much and want the best for him.

Don't let him blackmail you though. If he tries to throw it back in your face, try to calmly ask him why he thinks you did something so out a character. Ask him what he would do in your place - I doubt you'd get a proper answer to this but it should make him think and reflect.

Do try to give him some room, ask him if there are things that he wants to take responsibility for. But be clear that if you respect him enough to trust him more he needs respect you enough to be polite and respectful of the boundaries and if not he looses privileges.

HTH, and try not to beat yourself up

flippin36

Unfortunately we are all flawed when it comes to parenting, we all at times have had moments of poor judgement or lack of patience (we are not robots). We have all made mistakes. The thing is, when we recognise our mistakes we learn from them. The fact that you are feeling so bad is because you care about your son and your responsibilities as a parent. Its the parents that don't care that are a worry. Draw a line under it today, and have a fresh start with your son when he gets home. You've done your guilt, now move on from it and have a plan of action in mind the next time things go wrong.

GEEGEE8

After that behaviour, I would have given him a slap too!

If I behaved that way as a child I would be slapped, and across the head too.. I honestly hasn't done me anyharm and I certainly wouldn't have spoken to my parents like that.

Maybe the tidying of the room was invading his personal space, maybe he has something to hide? a boy of 12yrs old approx may be growing into a man and felt like you may have seen something that would embarass him.

I don't think you should be worried. Sit him down and talk to him tonight.

If you feel bad about it, don't do it again. Don't apologise to the boy though, otherwise you won't hear the end of it, he'll feel sorry for himself and go on at you more and more.

OH said well done, sounds to me like he's been winding you up for a while.

I don't endorse 'violence', but I don't class this as violence..

Kimitatsu

I have a son in the second year at secondary school and they are truly horrideous at that age! They push boundaries just because they can, they are rude, cheeky, smelly - I could go on!

Being honest that was yesterday, you have all slept on it, today is a new day so look forward rather than backwards.

In my household we have lists of what they need to do when they come in from school on the fridge agreed with them so there is no argument, no storming off etc .

So when they come in they have to take the dogs out for a quick walk, empty their lunchboxes and re-pack for the next day, do their homework, pack their schoolbags with the right books so they can get up and go the next mornng, get changed into casual clothes (school clothes go in the wash basket) then and only then can they watch tv/go on the computer. Computer has parental controls that allow them on until 7pm after that no access.

Their pocket money is linked to them following those rules every day, not having (too much) attitude and tidying their bedrooms once a week. The cut off point is 6pm on a Sunday evening, so all homework has to be completed so I can sign off their homework diaries and bedrooms have to be tidy, if its not done they dont get paid.

I tend to find that if he is being a complete menace at home there is usually an underlying issue at school (year 7 is so hard as friendships change so quickly) so maybe if you can find a quiet moment a cuddle and a question would help.

Every parent does something they regret - we wouldnt be human otherwise, last week I was ready to ground my son for life :rotfl:but a deep breath and a new day brings clarity to everything.

Good luck!!

GEEGEE8

Kimitatsu.. brilliant, I hope one day when I have kids I can run my household like that.

seven-day-weekend

emsywoo123 wrote: »

I read this thread and was to comment, and then thought I'd best not as my thoughts went against the others, but this is my opinion, and others have posted theirs so I will post mine.........

I'm not going to post exactly what I thought, as you seem very remorseful, and you know what you did was wrong, but I am surprised at the level of support you have had, as I am in complete opposition.

As far as I am concerned, you went too far. He is still a child and IMHO slapping him was an absolute action of bully boy behaviour.

As the adult you should have been able to deal with this differently without resorting to violence.

I will await everyone's criticism, but this is honestly what i think.

I slapped my son on the face when he was about five and made him cry. I too, like the OP, felt I was the worst parent in the world. Don't make the OP feel worse than she already does. She knows what she has done is wrong.

Stressed parents snap. It is not acceptable, but it IS human.

To the OP, I would apologise for smacking your son's face, but NOT for being cross with him and pushed to the end of your tether. I would explain to him just WHY you snapped so that he sees that you have feelings too. I would also lay down some ground rules with clear sanctions if they are not kept.

You know my son whose face I slapped when he was five? He is now 30, we are on really good terms and he doesn't even remember the incident and says he probably deserved it anyway.

Don't beat yourself up over an isolated incident.

emsywoo123

seven-day-weekend wrote: »

Don't make the OP feel worse than she already does. .

So I cannot have an opinion? I am not allowed to say that what I think she did was wrong and that I think by people saying to her "never mind, it happens" is only just going to make her feel better?

I am not sure WHY everyone wants her to feel better after what she has done? OP I know you regret it and that is really important, but I fear belittling what has been done is not really helping the OP either.