Feeling so bad - help

oaktree22

I am feeling so bad and so I should. I slapped my child on the face last night. Absolutely no excuse for it. I am not sure what came over me other than his behaviour but still I should not have done it.
I am sat waiting for social services or the police to come knocking at my door. We don't even swear in this house - although I do do it in my head at them.

When he got home from school - 1st year at secondary, he went off on one cause I had tidied his rooom. To do this I had to tidy his lego away. He started a big ship thing about 3 weeks ago and the bits have been lying on the fllor since. I did however put all the different piles into different contaners so it was in some sort of order. Although he was having none of it

Then he had another go as he could not find his shorts - only his brothers and why could I not put them in the right rooms?? I admit I do get mixed up with their stuff.

I then took him to an activity and stayed to watch for 10 mins while I went to pick the other one up. Picked him up again once it had finished. Home to do dinner.

He goes on D.S and yes its a struggle to get him off it.

Asked about homework - here we go again..... But he did eventually settle down to do it. Then he needed help.....he just won't listen while I try and explain it. Sits there is a right mood shouting etc and then puts his hands over his ears. I give up after a bit and leave him to it.

He has to have the last word on everything and won't listen to reasoning. He goes on and on..

Dinner then he goes out to play. Its 8 by now and I have put the little one into bed. As they are playing/shouting right outside his window - a group of them I go to get him in. Told him he could stay up to watch junior apprentice but it does take him about an hour to faff around before he does anything. So anyway went to tell them to come in and get what they wanted to eat,pack bags for tomorrow etc. He goes off on one again and back chatting etc and I suppose I just lost it and slapped him.Sent him to bed and that was that.
Other half said well done ??
I have been up half the night with guilt. I did not see him this morning although I heard other half telling him to go see me he just said no and went - which I can understand.


Sorry for going on a bit.
Its his behaviour I am finding really hard. Its probably been since secondary school. I try banning him form his D.S , the p.c and grounding him . Is it me expecting too much?? I know I would never have behaved the way he does - it just wasn't done. But obviously we have brought him up this way..
Bit fed up with homework battles - he just does not care and puts in well,not even half an effort.Just seems its his way or nothing??

I am not trying to excuse myself for what I did and I know I will have to live with that and will never forget and I know he won't either.
Just Not sure what to do??
And still waiting for a knock on the door.

pukkamum

Good god if i had phoned the ss every time i got a slap for being cheeky i would have been in care ten times over when i was a child.
Honestly i really shouldn't htink you had anyting to worry about.
Has son threatened to go to ss even so i really don't think such an isolated incident especially if it was only a slap which left no mark as opposed to a punch they would not be too interested anyway.
Perhaps this is what he needed to make him realise how far he had pushed you?
We all lose it with our kids at some point thtas inevitable.
If i were you i would tell him you are sorry for resorting to slapping him but explain exactly why you got to that point.

gingin_2

I am sorry you are feeling so bad.

It sounds like you have got yourself really worked up and it's good that you have got the rest of the day to hopefully clear your head a little and deal with DS later.

Your reaction was not acceptable but neither was his. He should a) respect you and what you say and b) know the boundaries or accept the consequences and it sounds like he has done neither.

Think about how you deal with this situation. If it were me, I would apologise in a frank way but also let him know that he has pushed you to the limit and let you down and that his attitude has to change. Don't be emotionally blackmailed by him. An apology and a promise that it won't happen again should be enough - followed by a hug, but he has to show remorse for his behaviour too.

You need to be firm with your rules. It sounds like you are chastising him one minute then rewarding him the next. He's pushing you because you are letting him. If he was being rude to you, he shouldn't have been allowed out to play. If he's not done his homework properly he shouldn't be allowed on the DS. And if he isn't prepared to tidy his room then you have a right to go in there and do it for him (chance would be a fine thing my son would say!)

I wouldn't worry about the police or social services. I really don't think they will come knocking.

January20

Stop feeling guilty! You are human and teenagers (even pre-teenagers) have got a real knack in pushing their parent's buttons, up the point where we lose it. I have been close on the odd time with my dd so I really understand.

I think perhaps you, your child and his father need to sit down together and work out a routine i.e perhaps no DS before his homework is done/ set punishment if he answers back or is rude/ consequences if his bedroom is untidy?

JBD

Personally I wouldn't apologise. He was winding you up and pushing you, therefore he shouldn't be surprised when you do get wound up. Don't let him see that you feel guilty, he will only try to manipulate you.
On the other hand you know yourself it was wrong. There are better, safer and more effective ways of disciplining a child. Perhaps this is a good time to lay down some ground rules. Also, how about giving him some more responsibility. eg he should be responsible for putting his own clothes away. I never really nagged my children about doing their homework, I would remind them then it was up to them. They are the ones who have to take the consequences if they don't do it.
Don't worry about your son phoning Social services. I'm sure he is aware he is much better off where he is.

BitterAndTwisted

If you were a truly bad parent you wouldn't be racked by guilt over this. I suspect it has shocked your son as much as it has you and has probably stopped your young man in his tracks and given him rather a lot of food for thought. Sometimes it's no bad thing to know when you've pushed someone over the edge with your behaviour.

Maybe it's time for a sit-down with your son and OH to explain exactly what is and is not acceptable behaviour on his part. Set boundaries, explain them and stick to them. Kids need boundaries and will often press very hard for you to set them. I think this is a golden opportunity to give him what he obviously needs and appears to have been silently begging you for.

For a start I'd stop tidying his room: I think he's quite old enough to be asked to do that for himself. And he can sort his clean laundry for himself as well.

Fuzzy_Duck

I think everyone who slaps their child looks back and regrets it, wishing they'd had more self restraint at the time. The important thing is you are sorry it came to that. If it's any consolation my mother slapped me round the face when I was a teenager- can't even remember what trivial argument it started off as, just that I kept cheeking her and refusing to apologise for my bad behaviour. Like you she regretted it instantly but I was the one to apologise for my bad behaviour before she apologised for slapping me. It was the slap that made me realise what horrible things I'd said to her and how much I hurt her. We have a very good relationship today and I would never accuse her of being a bad mother to me.

As pukkamum says, you can apologise to him and explain that you regret what you did but remind him that it was his bad behaviour that drove you to it. Personally I do hope he apologises to you first. In future I would avoid even having these conversations with him- if he doesn't do what he's told, like his homework, then he will have to bare the consequences at school the next day. Don't have arguments with him and don't rise to the bait. He is old enough to clean his own room and pack his own school bag and lunch. You sound like a very caring mum to me, but perhaps you are letting him walk over you a bit- it does sound like he is taking you for granted at the moment. A bit of breathing space and a chance to be independent might be what he needs.

Good luck and please don't keep feeling guilty- you have done that enough already!

skypie123_2

I think maybe your OH should give you a hand once in a while with your son as I don't see much involvement from him in what you wrote other than a smart remark after the event!! xx
ps you're human and he pushed your buttons! My mum used to lose it with me when I was a mouthy teenager too and I deserved it!

emsywoo123

I read this thread and was to comment, and then thought I'd best not as my thoughts went against the others, but this is my opinion, and others have posted theirs so I will post mine.........

I'm not going to post exactly what I thought, as you seem very remorseful, and you know what you did was wrong, but I am surprised at the level of support you have had, as I am in complete opposition.

As far as I am concerned, you went too far. He is still a child and IMHO slapping him was an absolute action of bully boy behaviour.

As the adult you should have been able to deal with this differently without resorting to violence.

I will await everyone's criticism, but this is honestly what i think.

gonzo127

i agree with most of the above posters.

i used to push my parents to the brink and do not in the slightest hold it against them that they did end up slapping me or smacking my bum etc in fact i am so very glad they did since i hate to think what i would be like had i not been brought down to earth 'with a bump' on the odd occasion

i also think it sounds in some ways like you are still 'mothering' him and could be why he is pushing so much, try and give him some more independance and see how he reacts.

for example my step daughter is just turned 13 however she has been responsible for tidying her own bedroom for quite a few years now. all we do is give her a time when we want it done by and if its not done by then i go in with a big black bin liner and 'tidy' all the remaining stuff into that and confiscate it all for the next week (put it in the boot of my car so she cant get to it) ok its not a case of us saying we want it done within the next hour, we usually try to give her a few days at least, our normal rules are now tidy by 6pm on Sunday unless we go for a family day out, and tidy before any of her friends come round

same with homework, its down to her to do it, if she wants help she has to ask for it before 7pm the night it is due in otherwise she is on her own and if she gets a detention for not having done her homework she loses all internet access (hurts her the most since she spends a lot of time talking to her friends on MSN and facebook)

basically we have set the ground rules which give her the abilty to pick and choose how and when she wants to do things, but also giving her set consiquences which are follow through on should she not follow the rules

BitterAndTwisted

I don't approve of adults using physical violence against kids either but I wasn't standing in her shoes at the time. I believe the OP is quite aware of what she SHOULD have done but unfortunately that can't be changed. All that can be done now is to use the experience and learn from it and try to find a way together to move forward. I don't think being judgmental without offering any constructive advice is terribly helpful in this instance.