Girlfriend leaving but wants half of house

voddyman

i went through a rather long,messy divorce over 5yrs ago[in scotland,rules were different there at that time] and i can tell you that your ex is entitled to 1/2 of everything,i.e.house,contents,savings and pension..basically what happened was that EVERYTHING was added up say for instance all of the aforementioned came to £100,000 then she is entitled to £50,000..its then up to both of you how you come to that figure..if you cant agree on how to do it..then lawyers get involved and that cost me personally£2000..it did'nt cost my ex wife anything for lawyer cos she was entitled to legal aid...so to sum up what happened to me was that she got the house and a percentage of my pension...the reason this happened was that my pension was worth a lot..on hind sight i would have been better just saying sell everything and we just split it 50/50..but i did'nt want to have my kids[who were 20&21 at the time] going through such a trauma...however as it turned out,a few months after it was all settled both my kids were in their own home and my ex wive had moved her new boyfriend in..so upshot was my ex wive got to herself all the house and contents and an ex amount of my pension,just a final note to this,when we split up there was no one else involved in our break up[as far as i know anyway]...it was just a breakdown of our marriage..so i had to start all over again from scratch...i.e. get a new home and furnish it and everything else...so after reading this you tell me come out the better in this deal...one final note i have now re married and i'm happier than i've ever been in my life.so altough it might not seem like it just now steve.there's ALWAYS light at the end of the tunnel,trust me...:j :j :j

MercilessKiller

Perosnal opinion is.

Lisa you should NOT have criticised the op. It is not your place to do so. The op was asking for advice NOT criticism. This is how the argument started. Men and Women both have bad attitutes towards different things but the op wanted help not an argument!!!!!!

Dear me.. just help the guy!

viktory

Without knowing the full story, I do feel for the OP. He has taken a lot of stick - perhaps he should have phrased his oiginal and subsequent posts more sensitively but I don't think he deserves the vitriol that has been aimed at him

Must be hard for him to see everything he and his partner have worked for go up in smoke. If his partner is seeing another man whilst still living at home then no wonder he is hurting. I saw it happen to my ex neighbour, a lovely man, and he was destroyed by it. Bloody sad to watch and I went from quite liking his partner to hating her for what she was doing.

There is a lot of this going on these days. It seems that so many people, male or female, have any concern for their partners feelings. Can you imagine what is doing to the children as well? How confused and upset they must be!

Having said all that, the only sensible advice to the OP must be to see a solicitor asap.

comping_cat

I have every sympathy with Steve, and as i put in my previous post, i was in a very similar situation to him, my ex left and wanted his half, and even though we wernt married, he was entitled to it, and in fact, even as the woman who became a SAHM, i had paid a lot more in than him. The main difference, is that i had custody of the children, and although i admit a lot of bitter arguements, things are ok now. I didnt have to give him half at that point, i couldve waited until the youngest child was 18, but then i wouldve been more out of pocket.
My advice to anyone, is no matter how much you love someone, even if you have children together ALWAYS make sure if you are buying a house together, that you think 'what if' and make provisions for it, if you are putting more in, or will be, make sure it is specified at the start - your solicitor will mention it, but when you are happily in love, you dont think of what might happen!!!!
As for what Hank said, that makes me really angry, my children are not 'cash cows' and never have been, and for the majority of people im sure thats the case, you will always get some who think that way, but im sure most people actually love their children, whether they have money or not!!!! I would say that if someone has been with someone for 14 years, i dont think their plan was to have a 'cash cow'.
Ive learnt from my mistake, and i moved onwards, and i think upwards, there is always light at the end of the tunnel, it was hard for me, money wise and emotionally, but im now a happier person, and the main thing is i have happy, well adjusted children who know what i do for them, they dont care about money, they just care that you are there for them.

System

Sorry this is a long one!!

My brother is going through a similar process at the moment having just found out that his wife has been having an affair. She told him that she hasn't been happy for a couple of years and it's nothing he has done.

I would have had a lot more respect for her if she had told him when she first started feeling unhappy and given the marriage a chance by maybe seeking help especially when 2 young children are involved. It mightened have worked, I'm realistic and some marriages do flounder, but it would have been better than her solution which was to break up another couples marriage and her own by having an affair with a married man.

My brother is now in the position of still living with her whilst the financial details are thrashed out by their solicitors (he has been told it's more likely the split will be 60:40 in her favour). The atmosphere is terrible and he has the added pain of seeing the wife he still loves (it's hard to switch off your feelings) getting dolled up for her dates with her boyfriend.

Of all the posts on this thread so far the one which has touched a nerve with me most was by lynsayjane when she said:

"i'm sorry your relationship has ended, and that you'll now only be a weekend dad, but don't make matters worse for yourself or your son. if you act reasonably and wisely as regards the house she may be more likely to grant you access"

I know this was referring to the fact that the OP was not married but it highlights the fact that for ALL MEN who love their children their kids are their Achillies Heel and wives and girlfriends can use blackmail to get what they want even when the breakup is not the fathers fault.

When the truth came out in the open in my brothers case my SIL went out with her BF and picked up brochures for homes worth more than £50,000 more than her current home. She then decided she wanted my brother to move out of the marital home "for the good of the children" and she would buy him out eventually and move her BF in ( she needs his money to help her buy the house). If he didn't agree to this she would have to move away from the area and remove the kids from their school because she couldn't get a 4 bedroom detached home nearby that she could afford.

Now my brother has a car and can drive so that is no great problem but my nephew is going into P6 and this is an important year for him as he will be preparing for his 11+. If she loved her kids then no way would she even consider doing that to the child. She should be looking at smaller properties in the area just as my brother will have to do.

As a women I am appalled how other women use their kids as pawns and in my brothers case she is effectively twisting the knife she has stabbed him with. He is losing his home, full time access to his kids and the indignity of seeing another man take his place.

To the op I say I'm really sorry this has happened to you. Unfortunately it seems it doesn't matter who is at fault ( if there is 1) in a marriage break up these days but the majority of the time women have the upper hand where children are concerned. Get yourself a good solicitor, try and keep your dignity and remember children aren't stupid they grow up and recognise who has been the consistent, loving and influencial force in their life.

And to echo voddyman "there is always light at the end of the tunnel" even if it doesn't look that way at the moment.

hankc35

As for what Hank said, that makes me really angry, my children are not 'cash cows' and never have been, and for the majority of people im sure thats the case, you will always get some who think that way, but im sure most people actually love their children, whether they have money or not!!!!

Unfortunatly for many women children are "cash cows", its very sad but in our society an equal amount of children would be as well off with the father as with the mother in a family split, but, again unfortunatly, many women realise the financial benefit of holding onto the child and the benefit of holding on to the family home (or large equity payment) is a far better option than having to go out to work and earn a living and pay the Dad child care money, until the courts start each case on an equal footing and custody (both financial and emotional) is equal (where appropriate) a large % of women will see their children as a financial tool, and worse for many, an emotional tool to try and control their former partners when they are in a new relationship, its all about power, and often spite laced jealousy.

looby75

hankc35 wrote:

Unfortunatly for many women children are "cash cows", its very sad but in our society an equal amount of children would be as well off with the father as with the mother in a family split, but, again unfortunatly, many women realise the financial benefit of holding onto the child and the benefit of holding on to the family home (or large equity payment) is a far better option than having to go out to work and earn a living and pay the Dad child care money, until the courts start each case on an equal footing and custody (both financial and emotional) is equal (where appropriate) a large % of women will see their children as a financial tool, and worse for many, an emotional tool to try and control their former partners when they are in a new relationship, its all about power, and often spite laced jealousy.

I'm sorry but that is just rubbish. I am sure that there are a few women who feel that way but "many" not on your nelly.

The reason women fight long and hard to keep thier kids is because of maternal instinct. My ex walked out and left me in a totally crappy situation. I have very little money and the prospects of earning any more right now are remote to say the least. I have full responsibility for my kids, my ex has very little to do with them (1.5 hours a time 3 times a week either sat at his parents house or in my house so he doesn't have to actually deal with them) I rarely have any free time or am able to go for a night out, yet my ex can go on holidays or go out anytime he feels like it.

Would I swap places with him....not in this lifetime and not because of money because I know that my ex can not and would not look after our children better or even as well as I can. That's not me being big headed or anything it's simply that I am their mother and no one knows my kids better than I do.

Scarlett1

hankc35 wrote:

a large % of women will see their children as a financial tool, and worse for many, an emotional tool to try and control their former partners when they are in a new relationship, its all about power, and often spite laced jealousy.

you're own experience maybe maybe if some men weren't control freaks a relationship might not of been split up :rolleyes:

hankc35

The reason women fight long and hard to keep thier kids is because of maternal instinct.

In order to overcome your bias you have to throw out any outdated concepts, whilst some women make good parents an equal amount of men also do, the "emotional" concept of loving a child and being a good parent in modern society is just as much about being paternal as maternal, for many men their paternal instinct is equal to any maternal instinct. Its only a matter of time till the courts catch up with modern views and modern society.

hankc35

Scarlett1 wrote:

you're own experience maybe maybe if some men weren't control freaks a relationship might not of been split up :rolleyes:

The total opposite actually.