Girlfriend leaving but wants half of house

hankc35

Steve,

I dont think you will get alot of sympathy on this forum, I think there are alot of hard done by's who men have run off with a younger model.

I'm sure there are lots of things you could do to make this as difficult as possible, first refuse to leave the house, second if you have to put the house on the market put it on at an inflated price that it wont sell at, keep it going on for years, I sure your ex will find somebody else to sponge off soon enough.

I think to offer to look after and care for your son was a heroic gesture, but women often look at children as "cash cows" and whether she thinks he would be better off with you or not she wont do whats best for the child, she will do whats best for herself and whats best to line her pockets, whilst she moves on to the next target (the 3rd?) to repeat the process all over again, its all some of them know and I'm sorry you got caught, but its very common.

HanK

pink_phantom

hankc35 wrote:

Steve,



I think to offer to look after and care for your son was a heroic gesture, but women often look at children as "cash cows" and whether she thinks he would be better off with you or not she wont do whats best for the child, she will do whats best for herself and whats best to line her pockets, whilst she moves on to the next target (the 3rd?) to repeat the process all over again, its all some of them know and I'm sorry you got caught, but its very common.

HanK

!!!!!!? What an arrogent reply. I am too angry to put down a coherant reply.

looby75

museumsteve wrote:

My girlfriend of 14 years has decided she wants to leave me and has already started seeing a new fella. We have 2 boys, one mine and one by her previous marriage. We have a joint mortgage although she has not actually contributed to it, in our 10 years on this house she may have paid around £5000 in total towards bits n pieces where as I've paid the mortgage religiously every month.
She says she wants half the equity but I dont feel happy about it as she wants to leave and we never married (which has legal implications). Also, I have offered to keep my son with me here but she is refusing.
We are getting on really well to keep the household sain but I'm struggling about just giving half the equity away without looking into it first.
Any pointers anyone?

I take it that this as all happened to you really recently Steve.

I know you are hurt and angry at the moment, I had the same thing done to me by my soon to be ex husband (he ran off with someone else after we had been together 14 years). When you feel so mad and humiliated it's natural to lash out and want revenge, and in your mind (or so it appears from your post) one way to hit back at your girlfriend is by taking what you see as rightfully yours away from her.

Once you have got over the shock things will look clearer and I'm sure you will see that you can't, in all good conscience, do that.

chickadee

Am I the only one who has some sympathy with museumsteve here? It seems he is on the wrong side of the deal here. I assume he is not to blame for the break-up, but from what I gather he has worked hard and provided for his family for 14 years and will be left with no girlfriend, mimimal access to his kids and having to virtually start again property-wise. The GF isn't showing much respect for the situation either by going off for the weekend with the new BF but expecting to live in the house at the same time.

Have a look at the Families Need Fathers website. There is good advice on there for absent fathers about things like parental responsibility, etc.

I didn't think we were a man-bashing forum. I think it is a poor show that people feel the need to have a go at someone who is already in a difficult position.

looby75

chickadee wrote:

Am I the only one who has some sympathy with museumsteve here? It seems he is on the wrong side of the deal here. I assume he is not to blame for the break-up, but from what I gather he has worked hard and provided for his family for 14 years and will be left with no girlfriend, mimimal access to his kids and having to virtually start again property-wise. The GF isn't showing much respect for the situation either by going off for the weekend with the new BF but expecting to live in the house at the same time.

Have a look at the Families Need Fathers website. There is good advice on there for absent fathers about things like parental responsibility, etc.

I didn't think we were a man-bashing forum. I think it is a poor show that people feel the need to have a go at someone who is already in a difficult position.

He has my full sympathy, and I agree that what his g/f has done is very unfair to him. BUT what I don't agree with is that because she hasn't worked and put money into the home she hasn't contributed to the house and isn't entitled to a share of it.

It's a very difficult situation, but when all is said and done fair or not there is only one way to handle all this and that's the way that is best for the children involved. Kicking the kids out of their home or separating siblings really isn't the best way to do that.

Cat72

When people break up you can have a tendancy to feel bitter. However you must view the relationship as a partnership. In different areas you BOTH contributed in different ways over the 14 years.When a partnership ends then itis fair to split it both ways.Grudges about well i paid more etc are not beneficial it is not only money contribution. You must think of the good points about the relationship- you had some good years and one child. It is time to move on focus on the future and how you both can be good parents to your children ( the child who is not biologically yours must have a lot of feelings for oyu if you have brought them up for 14years and been there so much so it is important not to forget them ).
Being good parents means setting an example if youe ex does not want to do this this is her problem but you are answerable for your own actions.
Financially you are both entitled to half- if you feel you were being ripped off in the reltionship you should have addressed these issues at the time. But the law and fairness says anyone who has had a 14year relationship is entitled to half. Lawyers will make the situation worse but you have to just accept this situation - what your ex does with her life is up to you. But youwill get on a lot better by concentrating on your future and trying not to get hung up by the past. People make mistakes its best to move on a start afresh.Financially this is what happens , neither party is realy better of in a split as each loses something .

lynsayjane

you know what? i'm with lisa. its not always men who are hard done by. when my mum left my dad she spent a year sharing her sisters spare room with her two kids (me 4 and my sis 3) before she got a council house. she left the marital home with nothing, but our clothes and some toys and got sod all help from my dad but a grudged £50 a month, which he stopped when he had to pay divorce costs.

when she finally got a council house i was in school and sis was at nursery. my mum put herself through a computing degree, worked pt in a hotel to get money and raised us single handed, and by god she did an amazing job of it, neither myself or my sister has ever gotten into the kind of troubles some of my cousins from 'whole' families have. my mum made an amzing example os how strong and independent a woman can be when she needs to protect her family.

i'm sorry your relationship has ended, and that you'll now only be a weekend dad, but don't make matters worse for yourself or your son. if you act reasonably and wisely as regards the house she may be more likely to grant you access. as the law stands you have no rights over your son and will have to go to court for access if she does not allow it. to get your son in your custody you'd have to prove her a bad mother, and bear in mind this country allows junkies to be mothers, she'd have to be satan for you to get him.

try and think of your sons best interests, tell her she can have half the house if it goes on the deposit for a decent place for the kids.

margaretclare

looby75 wrote:

He has my full sympathy, and I agree that what his g/f has done is very unfair to him. BUT what I don't agree with is that because she hasn't worked and put money into the home she hasn't contributed to the house and isn't entitled to a share of it.

I thought that this principle had been established many years ago and is now part of divorce law. The fact that this couple aren't married doesn't invalidate this basic principle. It isn't as if they'd been together for 5 minutes - 14 years has got to count for something.

And she was allowed out ONCE A WEEK while he looked after the kids! And he speaks of 'taking her out' of a council house as though she was some inanimate object, like taking a doll out of a dolls' house.

She won't get much 'help' as he seems to think - in those 14 years council houses, even for a mum of 2, have become few and far between.

Words fail me.

Margaret

seven-day-weekend

chickadee wrote:

Am I the only one who has some sympathy with museumsteve here? It seems he is on the wrong side of the deal here. I assume he is not to blame for the break-up, but from what I gather he has worked hard and provided for his family for 14 years and will be left with no girlfriend, mimimal access to his kids and having to virtually start again property-wise. The GF isn't showing much respect for the situation either by going off for the weekend with the new BF but expecting to live in the house at the same time.

Have a look at the Families Need Fathers website. There is good advice on there for absent fathers about things like parental responsibility, etc.

I didn't think we were a man-bashing forum. I think it is a poor show that people feel the need to have a go at someone who is already in a difficult position.

I have sympathy for Steve too. I would just like to say of course the home-maker has contributed as much as the breadwinner BUT they wouldn't be able to make that home unless the breadwinner made the bread, so I do think that the breadwinning is a vital role and that Steve has every reason to expect something for his labours.

His girlfriend will have (by her choice) a new lover and both her children, why shouldn't Steve have something beneficial out of it too?

I have been married to the same man for 35 years and was a SAHM (apart from menial part-time jobs) for 15 years.

lynzpower

I do have a great deal of sympathy with OP. I really dont know what to suggest, but I do wonder about women ( and men) who decide that the relationship isnt for them, and thus want equity. Who does it benefit in the end? the person who is leaving. the person left behind gets financially devastated by the whole affiair. I agree to a certain extent with hank, there does seem to be a bit of an over-emphasis on getting what shes entitled to. If steve had moved into the council property, there would be no financial gain for anyone if he had moved out. However, she lived in a private property, and effectively its tantamount to him having to sell up to give her money and a lot of the time this "money" hasnt been earned by either party, its the increase in housevalues that have happened. meanwhile, steve has to give half of this, and probably go back to rented accomodation.

It just does not seem fair to me, really.