Not very amicable split

pollyanna24

Me and bf were discussing (ha) our situation this morning. I think I have come to the conclusion that we have to split, even if this is temporary.

He is a sahd and I work full time. I am pregnant with our second. I hate with a passion the fact that I am missing out on so much with our daughter which is a major factor in our splitting up. He won't get a job etc. for us to compromise and both work part time.

Now he is saying that he wants custody of our daughter and I shouldn't assume that I will get her. He wants to keep the house and for me to basically carry on paying for everything.

Now as I am pregnant, obv this can't go on for much longer! I can afford to pay the mortgage and work 3 days a week after my maternity, and not rely on him, but the only situation he seems to envisage involves me in some way supporting him.

I feel he is saying all this to spite me as I have heard rumours that he doesn't like being a stay at home dad. He doesn't take our daughter to many playgroups as he "feels uncomfortable being the only man" and that "he is enough stimulation for her" even though this is turning her into a clingy child. Someone has also mentioned her motor skills as she is not getting the opportunity to climb at soft play and that she is behind and that nursery will pick up on this.

Now of course in my head, I have worked things out and to him they seem to be only in my favour, but I have to look out for myself as he certainly isn't. I want him to move out once my maternity starts to give us both breathing space. He has plenty of time to find a job and somewhere to live. I feel this makes sense as I will have two small children and need the house (is there going to be some equal rights person out there that suggests I move out and leave my newborn?). We could take a mortgage holiday on the house while I am off on maternity.

I just don't know what to do. I want it to be amicable and not bitter, but it's always just seems to be about who's got it harder and why should you get that etc. It would appear that he would be quite happy for us both to live in the house and for me to trot off to work every day for him to stay at home.

This would be fine if we were both happy with the situation and if we actually were a couple instead of him being in the spare room, but I just wonder what I am actually paying for and at some point, it has to end.

mrcow

pollyanna24 wrote: »

Someone has also mentioned her motor skills as she is not getting the opportunity to climb at soft play and that she is behind and that nursery will pick up on this.

Well whoever mentioned that - make sure you don't listen to another stupid word they ever say again. Are they the token village idiot or something?What complete nonsense.

Since when have children needed "soft play" to learn anything?

With regards to what your options over custody and money etc are - you need to seek professional legal help - now!

mummy_Jay

Do you have any support around you, family friends? As this is will probably be very stressful, especially whilst pregnant, please make sure you do lean on others.

Also if you have family close by, could they take little one to the tots clubs, as you seem to feel she is a little too isolated from kids her own age and missing out.

How long has he been a SAHD?
Is DD old enough for the free nursery places yet?

Could you cope if he up and left today with childcare etc?

RAS

If he is the parent with residency and lives in the house, you have to pay 15% of your salary in maintenance (20% for two children) and he is responsible for paying the mortgage.

The problem would be that if he did not pay the mortgage, it would wreck your credit rating, and you would have no chance of getting a mortgage on a second property.

The only sensible thing to do would be to sell the house.

pollyanna24

RAS wrote: »

If he is the parent with residency and lives in the house, you have to pay 15% of your salary in maintenance (20% for two children) and he is responsible for paying the mortgage.

The problem would be that if he did not pay the mortgage, it would wreck your credit rating, and you would have no chance of getting a mortgage on a second property.

The only sensible thing to do would be to sell the house.

I take your point on this, but the second child is still inside me and I wouldn't be working for the first year of it's life as I would be on maternity leave, so who counts as the parent with residency?

A friend has offered to take daughter with her daughter to a particular tots group, but bf won't let her.

I still don't want things to end, I just don't think they can go on the way they are. We are still actually talking to each other, it's just a weird situation.

Thinks he just wants it to carry on like it is, I can't do this. In my ideal little world, we would both work part time, joint custody, both live in house and work towards building our relationship again. But part of me thinks it too late for this and we should just move on.

PS He doesn't want this second child, still pressuring me to have it aborted, so not sure why he should have any rights to it.

mummy_Jay

pollyanna24 wrote: »

PS He doesn't want this second child, still pressuring me to have it aborted, so not sure why he should have any rights to it.

You poor thing thats a horrible thing to have to come home too.

***BIG HUG***

jackieglasgow

Pollyanna, you need to seek legal advice straight away, there's no point in getting well intentioned advice from us, find out what your rights are in case the relationship cannot be saved. I fear it's passed this stage because of the last statement in your previous post. Hugs to you, life must not be very pleasant at all just now.

katglasgow

I really feel for you, its awful that your strong desite to spend more time with your child is being taken away by your so called partner.
I know you have felt like this for a long time and I cant help feeling that the pregnancy is probably a good opportunity to sort things out. How soon can you start maternity leave? As soon you as you start, you can take over care of your daughter FT again - if you are looking to split, that might be the best time in terms of custody? What's the worst that can happen? Please get some really good legal advice.
x

neneromanova

Can I just ask, why does he think he'll ger full custody? You're out working full time so provide for your child. He would be at home not working on the dole looking after her. I know which parent I'd rather the child be with and show her how to live a proper life.

It sounds like you need to put your foot down. Tell him that you friend is taking DD to the tots and if he doesn't like it, tough. I know he is her father but by the sounds of it he's not bringing her up very well. I would ask him to leave to give you some time to think about things.

pinkshoes

neneromanova wrote: »

Can I just ask, why does he think he'll ger full custody?

Because custody normally goes to the parent who has spent the most time looking after the child, which in this case is the father...

pollyanna24

neneromanova wrote: »

Can I just ask, why does he think he'll ger full custody? You're out working full time so provide for your child. He would be at home not working on the dole looking after her. I know which parent I'd rather the child be with and show her how to live a proper life.

It sounds like you need to put your foot down. Tell him that you friend is taking DD to the tots and if he doesn't like it, tough. I know he is her father but by the sounds of it he's not bringing her up very well. I would ask him to leave to give you some time to think about things.

He thinks he will get full custody as he is "primary carer." Now that is a big word for him, so someone must have told him it. Obv talking to other people.

He really does think the answer is for me to work and pay for everything. He suggested this morning that I move to my mums and he stay in the house and still pay for everything. He seems adamant not to get work or benefits of any kind, just wants me to pay for it all... cos this is what would happen if it was the other way round!