Dealing with a "difficult" child

Brighton_belle

that's great news Jody:T. The thing to remember is that it may have been 'your behaviour' but no one comes with a 'how to be a perfect parent' manual and each child is different and he is only 4 and you are already working hard to address this issue:T.
And what you have learnt already may be key to other issues as he gets older, that you wouldn't have realised if you hadn't learnt what you have already this week.

JodyBPM

I'm just rambling a bit now, putting down a few things that have occured to me over the last couple of days, partially because I'm finding it quite theraputic, and partially so that I have it written down so that I can come back and find it when things start to falter a bit.

Why would I expect him to listen to what I say when I only ever tell him what he can't do? I need to tell him what he can do too! I also need to trust him, rather than stopping him from doing something IN CASE he does something I don't want. If I set the boundries clearly so that he understands, in the last couple of days he has proved that he can be trusted.

Why do I assume that he knows what I want, what is acceptable or unacceptable, when I haven't told him? I need to be clear about the boundries, and then he knows what is expected of him.

Why should I expect him to ask me before doing things, if he thinks I am always going to say no! I need to be much more receptive to what he wants to do, and set the boundries so that its done in an acceptable way, not just say no, no, NO.

There is very little that he wants to do that is "naughty", he just needs to know the boundries.

Why would I expect him to listen to me, if I don't listen to him?

He's just a little boy, he isn't mature enough to see the bigger picture. He's not as mature as his sister was at his age, but that doesn't mean that he is "naughty" or that there is anything wrong. He is just a normal little boy who needs more things spelt out to him. He needs praise for the 90% of every day when he is being good, rather than me focusing on the 10% of the day where he didn't quite get it right.

It's not his fault that my life became much harder when he was born. It was because I went from one child to two, with a very small age gap. He's not the problem.

If I withdraw from him when I am finding him challenging, how can I expect him to be open with me?

My expectations of him have been unreasonable. It is unreasonable of me to expect a four year old boy to never make a mess, never make too much noise and never make a mistake.

He's clever and funny and trying so hard:) He's really responding to spending time with me:) and I'm beginning to realise that he is a truely lovely little boy who can be trusted as long as I am clear about what I want from him.

Quenastoise

marking this for reading later

JodyBPM

First big kick off tonight at bed time. But it was brought under control relatively swiftly!

One downside to all this is that my 5yr DD who is normally as good as gold seems to be testing her boundries a bit! I think she is feeling a little insecure in her position as "good" child as my relationship with her brother improves!

meritaten

Jody - your last post just triggered a lightbulb moment!!!! thank you thank you thank you!!!!!!!!!!
My grandson who has Aspergers has a younger sister who always revelled in her 'position as the good child' while her brother was always in trouble. then last year he was finally diagnosed - first with ADHD but then as having Aspergers. Since then his younger sister seems to have lost confidence, become whiney and behaves like a spoilt toddler. we were totally at a loss and having read your post - I believe I know what the problem with her is!!!!
Cannot wait to discuss this with my daughter - will phone her in the morning - but I am fairly sure its the fact that she is no longer seen as the good opposed to the naughty child!!! so thank you so much jody!!!
I wish i could press that thanks button a thousand times!!!

Valli

meritaten wrote: »

I wish i could press that thanks button a thousand times!!!

thanked for you then!

-Not surprising is it...
'Hang on a minute - I'm always good and mummy loved me and now she loves him...and he was naughty...perhaps if I'm naughty ...'

[Deleted User]

Oh dear, what a way to start off the morning.., taken the children to school, started reading this and then had to get rid of a mouthful of toast cause I was laughing so much, started coughing and asphyxiation was imminent ha ha!

I have a 14 year old with Aspergers and a very very strong willed 4 year old who thinks its his role in life to set the rules (pfft). So defo been there/am there daily. The best times are when my four year old repeats my 'motivational' statements at me when I won't do what he wants! Usually from a safe place behind the stair bannisters lol (I'm not proud of you.., u'r behaviour has really shocked me.., I am going to take your toys away now etc etc). So sense of humour helps (sort of, cause its hard to be stern when u'r laughing fit to bust lol). Both children are a joy.., but I've defo served dinner late cause the washing up hadn't been done (and sat in the lounge for 40 mins with my stomach wondering if my mouth has been disconnected meanwhile knowing full well that I could have had it done in 10 mins).

I watched that shop ad with the mum tantruming in the middle of the floor with envy (the only thing my four year old is really iffy at is behaviour in a shop altho he is now learning .., recently I put back on the shelves a number of things I'd bought him for a treat, after several warnings that he should behave and his bad behaviour did not make mummy want to buy him things.., that seems to have gotten the message across). I SO wish I could do it sometimes but i never would lol.

I do find it better to either make doing something fun (like counting to 10 and lets see if u've got it done.., racing me, singing nursery rhymes while we do something he doesn't want to do etc etc) and saying what fun I am having doing something with my four year old. I also try to make it in their best interests to do something, i.e. if we tidy up then u can get in the bath (which he loves) and play with the bubbles for longer). The 14 year old is more difficult but he knows well that access to his Xbox, laptop TV even are all things that will be withdrawn if he doesn't behave. He does still try it on, but lol.., know's he's onto a loser. As I burn Xbox games for him to play, he knows mum has to be in a VERY good unstressed mood to do that lol.

Oh and if the children try to argue, I don't argue back (that is just seen as 'opening negotiations'). I do listen, but make it clear that rules is rules and they aren't going to change and trying to 'negotiate' is a waste of time.

meritaten

Valli wrote: »

thanked for you then!

-Not surprising is it...
'Hang on a minute - I'm always good and mummy loved me and now she loves him...and he was naughty...perhaps if I'm naughty ...'

Thanks Valli!!!
no it isnt surprising really. but the change in granddaughters behaviour has been so gradual it hasnt really connected with me or daughter before!
my daughter had already decided to consult her sons psychologist about daughter - but the correlation between the sons diagnosis and daughters behaviour has no been clarified in our minds and it puts daughter in a much better position of gettin some help for daughter - who is still a little angel in school as her bro is now in comp!
given you thanks too valli! lordy - I am in such a good mood will probably just thank EVERYBODY TONIGHT!!!:j:j:j:j:j

Mags_cat

JodyBPM wrote: »

He's clever and funny and trying so hard:) He's really responding to spending time with me:) and I'm beginning to realise that he is a truely lovely little boy who can be trusted as long as I am clear about what I want from him.

Hoorah :T

(I'm an interloper on this board but I've read through this thread and I'm really happy for you!)

JodyBPM

Well, another good day with DS! And bedtime tonight was a breeze, after following through and removing a box of his toys last night because he kept climbing out of bed and playing with them. He will be getting them back tomorrow, along with a big cuddle and a kiss for proving that he can be trusted with them (all explained and agreed with him before bedtime, think this might have been why he was so good!)

DD still a bit whiney, but I spent a long time giving her some one to one time at bedtime, and giving her loads of praise for the stuff she'd done well today. I'm going to make sure over the weekend, that as well as spending lots of quality time with DS to keep up the progress we've made, that I make sure I get some proper "girl time" with DD too. Because I'm positively engaging more with DS, by default she's losing a bit of my attention, so I need to make sure I still give her plenty of attention.

I'm so much happier. It's really amazing to read my OP and realise how down I was about everything just a few days ago, and how far we've come! I know there will be hiccups along the way, but I feel more positive now than I have done for long time!