Dealing with a "difficult" child

Valli

re the 5 minutes until

get a timer (a kitchen one) wind it 5 mins then it's when the bell goes it is time to stop and put away toys.

Try to break it down so it's not 5 minutes, stop, put away toys, bath, clean teeth all coming in one go.

When toys are away (see if you can put them away before I count to 10).
Good boy! Now you can have your bath...(positive phrasing;), keep it up beat - one task at a time but don't make it all sound like tasks.

*blushes as had just read Meritaten's post...* But I'm leaving mine as we posted simultaneously!

JodyBPM

We've tried the kitchen timer. I bought one solely for this purpose, but when the timer goes off, he still just says "no" or "I'm still playing" or something, so we're back to counting to three etc.

As someone else said, it is definitely a power struggle. He can be lovely in many ways, but he just simply does not accept that he can't have things his way ALL of the time. The problem with picking my battles is that once I let him do something once, then he decides that he has the right to do it every time, and I'm adding yet another battle to my daily list. Not to mention the fact that when I let things go, I'm effectively rewarding bad behaviour. My (generally easy no trouble at all ) DD sees this and can't understand why her brother gets away with stuff that she doesn't...

meritaten

Valli - I get the feeling that like me you are speaking from experience!!! perhaps we should form the Kitchen Timer Fan Club! I actualy came back to add that perhaps making the time 5minutes may be better at the lads age!!! must have been reading your mind!!! lol

Valli

Then you just have to be firm. Timer goes off. Play stops. Either remove him from where he is playing or remove what he is playing with. After a few days he will learn timer = stop.
If you extend it (as you appear to have done) by the counting on he has found out exactly which boundaries he can push. So he knows timer will go off but then you give him more time. So you introduced a system that you then didn't follow through. He is 4. He doesn't say no, you do.

cloverfan

Have you thought of thanking him?? I think it sounds silly even as i type this but I recently attended a course on adhd children and for the younger ones they suggested thanking in advance ie..."put your wrapper in the bin (childs name) thank you what a good boy", the idea being that as you thank them first they dont think not to do it...:D

ps not saying your child has adhd just that this is where i heard of it(and i didnt really grasp it but it does seem to be helping my friends little one )

lex

Another idea is to offer choices...so instead of
"Time to put your shoes on now"
go for
"We are going to put your shoes on, would you like to wear wellies or trainers today?"
The child then feels some sense of control of the situation and often does the action.

Also the race games and the timer options are really good too.
lex

Spendless

Jody -Power struggles with children.

http://life.familyeducation.com/behavioral-problems/punishment/42960.html

missprice

wow your getting fab advice here
wish i had known of the timer one would have been much easier

its honestly just sticking to your guns on this
you say X will happen in 5 mins
then X will happen
whether you use distraction i.e wow look at that sunset so pretty
or how about that spider walking on the wall (distraction means less tantrums)
or simply remove him or the toy
think about what will work for you and do that EVERY time.
make it fun, fake the fun for now it gets easier with time
toys in the bath? and he wont get out. so pull the plug and pull him out. he is 4 you are the adult
keep it simple
for my son the times were important
he could tell the time and it had to be exact (aspergers) if i said were off to the park at 3pm we had to leave at 3pm not 2.59 or 3.01
that made him feel safe so thats what i did
but still it was a consistant reaction that worked best

have you seen those kids that tantrum and the parent keeps saying no?
and after the child tantruming for 3 hours they give in
so just give in already, why make us sit through three hours of a tantrum then give in?
all your teaching that child is if i do it enough they WILL give in

so choose your battles
dont fight over the small things
keep your voice even (really hard i do know)
try to make much of it fun like i said fake that tone of voice, it will come natyurally eventually
and dont stress (so silly me saying this as i did stress for years)
your making him the focus of all your conversations at the mo
so just sit with hyubby and state what you will battle with together. and then no more mention of it in front of child

meritaten

Jody - If he refuses to (for example) stop playing with a toy then you take the toy away. as Valli and others say - you are the adult you are in charge. the timer goes off and you say 'Timers gone off stop playing and you walk over and calmly remove the toy and put it away'. If you dont and he carries on playing then that is where the problem lies. He KNOWS you wont carry through. it will be tough, for a few days at least and this is why I say to pick a battle. you cannot change ALL of his behaviour at one time. start with the most important (to you) thing and as the days go on and he starts to realise that YOU mean what you say then you can incorporate other bones of contention gradually with the timer you may find that the battles melt away and he becomes more obedient.
I honestly understand how you feel - my other children never quibbled but my youngest was a nightmare and though the Kitchen timer worked when it was just me in the house - my OH always let him get away with 'a few more minutes'!
It took a lot of hard work and a few rows with OH before we started singing from the same song sheet and life got a lot easier!
I cannot say that youngest son became an angel but for the routine stuff he KNEW he had to just do it and we only had battles over unexpected events (he didnt like even nice surprises but that was because of his condition)
I think you are probably trying too hard with too many things at once. but, its worth a try isnt it?
let us know what you decide to do and how its working hun? willya?

oh - you may pick up a few tips if you google 'oppositional defiance disorder' dealing with it! not saying this is your son but some good techniques may be found for coping with difficult kids!

JodyBPM

Thank you all for your help and support. Reading through this thread has made me realise how negative I have become towards DS, and I need to put it all behind me and start afresh tomorrow, consistantly with DH and with help, advice and support from the children's centre.

I'm the adult - he's the child.

DH and I are going to talk tonight and come up with key, uncompromisable priorities. I will re-instate the kitchen timer and we will agree EXACTLY what the process will be, and how we will CONSISTENTLY handle his disobedience.

I will keep updating