Dealing with a "difficult" child

meritaten

JodyBPM wrote: »

Thank you all for your help and support. Reading through this thread has made me realise how negative I have become towards DS, and I need to put it all behind me and start afresh tomorrow, consistantly with DH and with help, advice and support from the children's centre.

I'm the adult - he's the child.

DH and I are going to talk tonight and come up with key, uncompromisable priorities. I will re-instate the kitchen timer and we will agree EXACTLY what the process will be, and how we will CONSISTENTLY handle his disobedience.

I will keep updating

Yesssssssssssss!!!! exactly the right attitude!!!
:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j:j

and what I said at begining of first post - keep in mind you have been successful in raising a son who is kind and considerate - no mean achievement!!! so you MUST be doing something right in some areas!!! just this one area needing a little more work!!!

pandora205

Hi Jody.
Lots of useful advice on this thread so far.
I won't add masses more but I do recommend 'The Incredible Years' parent group training. It's one of the most effective approaches and begins wonderfully with developing positive play experiences before moving on to boundary setting, time out etc. If you can't find a group in your area, there is also a book, which I highly recommend:
http://www.amazon.co.uk/Incredible-Years-Carolyn-Webster-Stratton/dp/1892222043/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1273522075&sr=8-1
It's very practical and readable.

(I'm an educational psychologist who works with families, children and schools, so I've used a lot of different approaches over the years. Many parents find these very helpful).

missprice

well done you
at least you are tackling this.
another distraction technique that really worked for me
if they are driving you nuts with squabbling, start singing top of your voice
mine used to look at me like i had gone insane (cos i cant sing and it was meatloaf or bon jovi)
but it distracted them long enough to forget why they were fighting in the first place
would prob work the same with one child
ya know like
'times up'
'Not finshed yet'
walk towards child singing so loud you cant hear the complaint when you take the toy!!
just a thought:)

meritaten

missprice wrote: »

well done you
at least you are tackling this.
another distraction technique that really worked for me
if they are driving you nuts with squabbling, start singing top of your voice
mine used to look at me like i had gone insane (cos i cant sing and it was meatloaf or bon jovi)
but it distracted them long enough to forget why they were fighting in the first place
would prob work the same with one child
ya know like
'times up'
'Not finshed yet'
walk towards child singing so loud you cant hear the complaint when you take the toy!!
just a thought:)

Yes - this is a good one! but it helps if you are slightly insane! remember that tv ad with the mum who flings herself on the supermarket floor and has a tantrum???
I can remember doing something similar when shoe shopping with youngest son (who hated that task and played up something rotten) and he was so gobsmacked he was quiet for at least ten minutes while he tried to fathom what was going on - by which time we had picked his shoes found they fitted, payed for them and left the shop! (which needless to say I purposely didnt visit for ages after - I felt like such an idiot).:o

sometimes it pays to surprise the kids - shock and awe isnt the sole prerogative of the Americans!

Savvy_Sue

missprice wrote: »

well done you
at least you are tackling this.
another distraction technique that really worked for me
if they are driving you nuts with squabbling, start singing top of your voice
mine used to look at me like i had gone insane (cos i cant sing and it was meatloaf or bon jovi)
but it distracted them long enough to forget why they were fighting in the first place
would prob work the same with one child
ya know like
'times up'
'Not finshed yet'
walk towards child singing so loud you cant hear the complaint when you take the toy!!
just a thought:)

meritaten wrote: »

Yes - this is a good one! but it helps if you are slightly insane! remember that tv ad with the mum who flings herself on the supermarket floor and has a tantrum???
I can remember doing something similar when shoe shopping with youngest son (who hated that task and played up something rotten) and he was so gobsmacked he was quiet for at least ten minutes while he tried to fathom what was going on - by which time we had picked his shoes found they fitted, payed for them and left the shop! (which needless to say I purposely didnt visit for ages after - I felt like such an idiot).:o

sometimes it pays to surprise the kids - shock and awe isnt the sole prerogative of the Americans!

I don't think you have to be THAT insane. Remember "Insanity is inherited, you get it from your children".

That used to work well for me if there was a lot of moaning, groaning, crying or screaming going on for no good reason.

Another thing which worked for mine once they were older (and still does!) is to ask for non-urgent things to be done, at a time which suits them. However, if it doesn't get done then it has to be done at a time which suits YOU, and you may have to interrupt them to get it done NOW.

For example, DS3 is supposed to wash up before I get home from work. Generally, he hasn't done it. So I don't cook tea until he has. Or, if I'm in a hurry to cook tea, the TV goes off and he can't have music on in the kitchen because I can't stand the racket / I want to listen to the Archers. And I point out that IF he'd done the washing up before I got home, he could be watching TV now, and he could have had his music on.

I also 'summonsed' him to clear up the gubbins round the kettle tonight, NOW. And said that if he cleared up after himself at the time he made the mess, I wouldn't have to interrupt him. His answer wasn't helpful, so I asked him to act his age (18) not his shoe size (10), so as you can see this is still a work in progress ... but he did clear up!

purplepardalis

It also sounds a bit like he's enjoying the back and forth banter. Like it's part of play. I may be wrong but you could also try giving the instruction but not replying to his excuses. Ignore them and repeat the order. As soon as he starts to do as he's told, smile and praise and start up the interaction again. Good luck! :-)

missprice

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

I don't think you have to be THAT insane. Remember "Insanity is inherited, you get it from your children".

.

Another thing which worked for mine once they were older (and still does!) is to ask for non-urgent things to be done, at a time which suits them. However, if it doesn't get done then it has to be done at a time which suits YOU, and you may have to interrupt them to get it done NOW.

!

love the first line
both my kids think i have failed them somwehow because they are 'different' and it MY fault.

thanks for the tip
i was told this weekend that i nagged my daughter to take the stuff to compost (i dont nag i ask 3 times then i do it myself or it gets left)
she only had to take it 2 doors down
however this weekend i shall ask once and only once
and then on sunday when she id off to bed i shall demand that she takes it.
see mine are 16 and 18 and they still give me grief

Gingham_Ribbon

A few things that might work:

Choose 3 targets - no more - that you need him to comply with.

eg Sit at the table for meals
Hold my hand on roads
Do what you're told before I count to 3

whatever they are, make them clear and achievable - and positive. No 'don'ts'.

Have 2 jars of pasta/marbles. One has 50 in and a smiley face on it. The other is empty with a sad face on it.

Make the rules clear. Tell him every time he complies he gets 10 pieces of pasta in the smily jar. Every time he doesn't, he gets 5 pieces taken out and put in the sad jar. At the end of the week, whatever jar has the most in will determine whether he gets the trip to the park/small toy/whatever you think he'd like.

1. Tell him your expectations in advance
2. Ask
3. Tell
4. Reinforce

This is excellent advice.

HAve a read of 'how to talk so kids will listen and listen so kids will talk'.

Good luck. I was a 'strong willed, stubborn minded little girl'. I know now why my headmistress didn't like me, but I'm glad of those attributes now.

JodyBPM

I spoke to the family advisor from the children's centre today, and she was very very helpful and supportive.

In a nutshell her advice was to be consistent, especially across DH and myself. To set a small amount of non negiotable family rules, the rules to be agreed across the whole family. The advisor is happy to come and mediate the rules setting session, which should be a great help. Finally to give choices AND consequences.

I have some literature to read and digest, and I need to discuss things with my DH so that we can stay consistant, but I would really recommend a family advisor to anyone who needs help. Her strategies are useful, but its the feeling of support that feels fantastic.

Savvy_Sue

missprice wrote: »

love the first line
both my kids think i have failed them somwehow because they are 'different' and it MY fault.

thanks for the tip
i was told this weekend that i nagged my daughter to take the stuff to compost (i dont nag i ask 3 times then i do it myself or it gets left)
she only had to take it 2 doors down
however this weekend i shall ask once and only once
and then on sunday when she id off to bed i shall demand that she takes it.
see mine are 16 and 18 and they still give me grief

You haven't failed them, you've done them a great service by allowing them to be 'different'. Who wants to be the same as everyone else anyway? Well, OK, I know at some ages you do, but if you can just get through that stage, it's fine.

As for the 'nagging', DS3 did once admit that I was a loser, whatever I did. If I ask more than once, I'm nagging. If I don't ask more than once, he won't do it - he'll either 'forget' or think I don't mean it. So I nag, but as gently as I can, by 'reminding' him that if he does X, I will do Y, and so on.

ATM he wants to go out driving, so that's quite a powerful motivator! If I can psych myself up for it ...