Dealing with a "difficult" child

JodyBPM

I have two children DD who is 5 and DS who is 4. I'm really, really struggling with DS's behaviour, I always have. Basically, he just WILL NOT do as he is told. Every single day is a battle and I'm exhausted:(

We've tried reward charts - no success. We've tried massive praising when he is good - no success. We've tried pocket money - no success. We've tried negotiating, calmly talking and explaining things to him - no success. The only things which have limited success are the naughty step and counting to three and then taking toys away for bad behaviour. This has limited success as in he will, eventually, do what we ask using these methods, but its a huge battle, and so negative. And he doesn't seem to learn from it a single bit, so the bad behaviour happens again, and we have the whole battle again, and so on and so on and so on. I'm so exhausted by it all:(

I'm a little bit at the end of my tether, and spoke to Nursery today. Their view of his behaviour is that he's not an exceptionally difficult child, but they do have issues with his obedience, he often has to be asked several times to do something, they will get there in the end, but, similarly to how I find, its a bit of a battle. In other ways he is a great child, he's got a quirky sense of humour and fantastic imagination, he plays really nicely with other children, he shares, he waits his turn, he's quick to comfort other children who are sad, the issue is basically with obedience - he's so stubborn, and WILL NOT do what we ask. He's very articulate, and has reasons for everything, an example of an exchange might be at bedtime. "five minutes til bed time!" "I don't want to" "time to put your toys away now" "no" "its bedtime!" "I'm playing" "but its time for bed!" "No I'm busy" "Its bedtime now, put your toys away" "No" "right it's bedtime now. I'm going to count to three, if you haven't put your toys away, then I will have to take them away" "No" "One" "I'M BUSY" "Two" "Three" at the end of this there's about a 50% chance that literally as I am saying three he will conceed, and a 50% chance that I end up confiscating his toys. But we have this battle with EVERYTHING, getting up, getting dressed, putting his shoes on, brushing his teeth, washing his face, putting his coat on, holding my hand, getting into the car, etc etc etc. It's never ending:( When we are doing something he likes, though, he can be good as gold. It's just his way or no way:(

DH and I are getting together tonight to try and get a strategy together, because I just can't go on like this. It's such a battle and I'm exhausted and miserable:( I'm also beginning to not like him very much.

Has anyone got any bright ideas, or strategies that will help? DD has always responded to very positive parenting (reward charts, praise etc) and I'm struggling with the constant negativity:(

Britwife

Sounds like you have a strong willed child on your hands, my second child is the same way. It makes disciplining very difficult.

The best way to work with strong willed children is positive reinforcement. You also have to find something that works for you when he is really bad and won't listen. We have found that going to bed works for us. He hates going to bed early.

We praise him when he says polite things and does as he is told. Reward charts aren't always successful and I suggest trying a chip jar. Basically you use poker chips of different colors and he has to earn them. He can earn them for listening, for cleaning, for whatever he is supposed to do. Whe he collects so many, he can claim his reward. Let him help choose that reward. He can also lose chips when he is bad. Make each color worth different points.

If you don't want the chips try the calander and stars. We were having issues with my child in school with his behavior and I clipped a calander in his liason book. For everyday he did good, he got a pack of smarties on the way home (for the instant reward) and he had to get 10 stars to get his reward. It took him nearly a month to get those 10 stars and he got his reward finally.

That really worked for him, that was in Feb and we haven't had to do it again. He has done so well we haven't had any bad reports from school since. So when we have been out on occasion, I will let him pick a small toy to reward him for not having any bad notes home.

We still have some issues at home, but not as bad. I think with him being so strong willed and so young in school, it just makes it hard.

When he says he is busy, take the item away from him or turn the tv off, whatever is stopping him. If it's bedtime, get him to choose a story to read. It is a trial and error of trying to figure out what works and what doesn't work. You have to get firm in discipline and not back down, when you do, they see it and know they can push to get you to back down again.

Keep it up, you will get there.......and then something new appears...lol

JodyBPM

Thank you, that's exactly the kind of thing that I'm looking for. Basically tonight DH & I are going to sit down and be a bit more structured about our approach, setting the boundries more firmly. You're dead right, he's just strong willed. He's not naughty as such, just unwilling to fall in with anything he doesn't want to do. He doesn't even tantrum that often, just refuses to do anything he doesn't want to, so we end up battling all the time:(

It's clearly defining boundries, and consistently following strategies that DH and I need to do, so all ideas on strategies are welcome!

liam8282

Sounds like my son, 6 now.

Personally, I try not to be too negative about everything, he may not always do as he is told but I wouldn't want him any other way. You being negative towards your son or having a negative attitude, may in turn lead to him being negative and creating a cycle. If you are always anticipating battles to get things done, your son may pick up on this and just be reacting to your own negativity?

Your son is 4 and from what you say about his character and what his nursery have said, it seems he is good natured and there are no major problems.

I found that when my son started primary school his behaviour improved instantly.

Even now he is much more well behaved in term time and then when the holidays come he starts to play up a bit.

I think this probably is down to the fact that he is more stimulated at school, there is more to do and he gets tired out learning and playing all day.

When he is at home, he can easily get bored or distracted and this leads to bad behaviour.

I think this is just normal for a lot of kids, I seem to remember that I wasn't so different when I was little.

Britwife

Jody, sounds exactly like my DS. He is very smart and loves to help out around the house. As much as I like to get things done, I let him because it is a positive situation and reinforces that.

Your last statement says it all.....

Chakani

My DS is strong-willed as well, my friends with placid children always sound so smug when they tell me how easy they have it. The way I look at it is, he is learning the boundaries early, so they will already be in place and tried and tested by the time their children decide to test theirs!

It's great that you are using positive reinforcement, it does work in the long term, even though sometimes it seems pointless at the time, so keep praising the good, and giving him incentives to do well.

The thing I picked out of your scenario is that you asked him 6 times to do something. If he is trying to find out where the boundary is, he needs to know. That's not to say you should be horrible to him, or cruel, it just means that you need to mean what you say when you want him to do what he's asked.

My approach to the same scenario would be:
"In 5 minutes, it will be time to tidy up and go to bed. So what we are going to do is to put your toys away, clean our teeth and choose a story" (obviously substitute whatever you do). Just ignore grumbling, leave him to it.

After 5 minutes
"Ok, it's bedtime, so tidy up please."

If at this point he doesn't do as he has been asked, tell him what the consequence will be if he doesn't, and if he still doesn't comply, follow through with what you say. Never, ever threaten something you're not prepared to do.


The way I think of it is,

1. Tell him your expectations in advance
2. Ask
3. Tell
4. Reinforce

Katykat

Well, its a long time since my chidren were small, but in a way, I suppose I had it easy ( though I didn't think so at the time). Way back then, it wasn't the norm to ASK children to do something. They were TOLD to do/ not do something & if they didn't comply, they had to forfiet something, like sweets, or a favourite TV programme, or toy. Also, they had discipline in school which helped enormously. My youngest child was a handful, very mischevous and difficult to hold his attention for more than a few minutes. I used to dispair that he would ever hold down a job because of his lack of concentration. Now, he is a senior manager, running a team of skilled workers and dealing with projects of millions of £'s. They all grow up, most of them turn out fine, & you will look back in yrs to come and wonder why you angst so much about them.
Be firm, give them definate boundaries they know they cannot cross, and enjoy them, they're not children for long.

JodyBPM

Thank you for the replies. It's nice to know that I'm not alone in having a strong willed child:)

When I spoke to Nursery this morning, they put me in contact with the family advisor at the childrens' centre, so she is coming round tomorrow to observe DS and start the ball rolling on some strategies. I feel like a bit of a failure that its come to this, but deep down I know that I can't keep on how I'm going, and that we're good parents for caring enough to get help.

missprice

my son is 18 now but i remember well the immense battles i had with him
his sister was a breeze by comparison (i always suspected she saw the trouble he got into and decided to never do the same)

anyway, fwiw
my take on the bedtime thing is similar to chakani

so its
20 mins til bedtime, nearly time to put toys away

10 mins til bedtime, toys to be put away now (be specific) teddy on shelf, cars in toybox (whatever you do with them, we just had one toybox)

if its not done by 5 mins til bedtime

ok 5 mins til bedtime, look i will show you where the toys have to go and then you will brush your teeth choose a book and get into bed.


its not just the tone of voice its also the words you use
'will' 'now' 'i'
he seems pretty clever so the more specific you can be the better
i found when asking my kids to 'tidy your room' they had no idea where stuff went, its not important to a child that things have to be put away, so stuff like 'toys have to put away so you dont stand on them and hurt your feet/break the toy when you get up'
but watch out for other ways he will find to extend bedtime etc and simply ignore the request/pleas for water a biscuit glass of milk

as for the getting his coat on etc next time he ignores you or tries to delay, just leave it and when its time to get in the car put him in with jamas on
he wont want to go to nursery with jamas on so he will want to change, this works so well (unlees like my son they dont care what they wear to nursery) forgot to add set the clock forward 10 mins so you have time to let him get changed

southoftheriver

You are definitely not a failure. You are trying to tackle this early and have been through a number of steps and now need some help and are brave enough to ask for it.. You obviously care about your son but all parents struggle with something. Please don't be too hard on yourself.

Reggie_Rebel

Strong willed, more like a pain in the !!!!.

If he won't go to the naughty step, take him there. If he moves, put him back.

If you think that's a bit harsh then try involving him in the decision making process

You "It's bedtime now shall we pack your toys up?"

Him "No"

You "I think we will, come on lets put them back in the box"