Dealing with a "difficult" child

Errata

In a nutshell her advice was to be consistent, especially across DH and myself. To set a small amount of non negiotable family rules, the rules to be agreed across the whole family. The advisor is happy to come and mediate the rules setting session, which should be a great help. Finally to give choices AND consequences

This sounds very much like old style parenting: no means no, it's not a suggestion it's an order which requires instant obedience.
Argueing the toss with kids rarely pays off with bright kids who can argue their position until the cows come home, and in any case what is a parent trying to prove by argueing over a decision with a child ?
Positive reinforcement doesn't work for all kids, as some see it as bartering their position for a reward, rather than seeing it as good behaviour from them is the norm and expected and not an opportunity to choose to barter, or not. There is a danger that kids may see a reward for good behaviour as only that, and what reward do they get for just being a much loved child ?

Don't worry OP, you'll get there. Nobody is given a 'Looking After this Unique Child for Dummies' when their newborn is handed to them

Js_Other_Half

I hope the strategies the adviser suggested are helpful.

I have used the timer with DS, as well as other children in a previous job. You said it didn't help your son, but have you tried letting him set it? I've found if you involve them with the decision making process they are more likely to adhere to it. eg You want things cleared up in about 10 mins. You suggest 5 mins on the timer to your son, who decides that it's going to take him 6 minutes to do it. Get him to set the timer, and clap and cheer when the task is done (if it looks like it's going to take more than 6 mins pause it without him seeing...;)

I've made DS walk in his sock soles to the car (on a dry day!) because he wouldn't wear shoes, or a coat. I wound the windows down, turned off the heating and drove for 20 mins like this in mid-winter. I pointed out I was wearing a coat, and and was therefore warm...


Every child is a work in progress

meritaten

JodyBPM wrote: »

I spoke to the family advisor from the children's centre today, and she was very very helpful and supportive.

In a nutshell her advice was to be consistent, especially across DH and myself. To set a small amount of non negiotable family rules, the rules to be agreed across the whole family. The advisor is happy to come and mediate the rules setting session, which should be a great help. Finally to give choices AND consequences.

I have some literature to read and digest, and I need to discuss things with my DH so that we can stay consistant, but I would really recommend a family advisor to anyone who needs help. Her strategies are useful, but its the feeling of support that feels fantastic.

so, she said what I and others have said about picking your battles and being firm and consistent.

but about choices - my advice would be not to give them to your son! he shouldnt have a choice! its either you stop playing now or I take your toys off you. what choice is available there without undermining you?

you can give a choice when deciding what shoes to wear - but if he is anything like my son that could turn into a battle too! choosing totally inappropriate footwear like sandals in middle of winter versus boots! sorry but you need to be in charge and right now you need to establish that. when your son becomes more obedient THEN you can let him have choices!

JodyBPM

meritaten wrote: »

so, she said what I and others have said about picking your battles and being firm and consistent.

but about choices - my advice would be not to give them to your son! he shouldnt have a choice! its either you stop playing now or I take your toys off you. what choice is available there without undermining you?

you can give a choice when deciding what shoes to wear - but if he is anything like my son that could turn into a battle too! choosing totally inappropriate footwear like sandals in middle of winter versus boots! sorry but you need to be in charge and right now you need to establish that. when your son becomes more obedient THEN you can let him have choices!

Hi, I totally understand what you are saying about choices, BUT its not just choices, its choices and consequences. E.g. when he wants to play in the garden "IF you stay inside fence a and fence b, then you can play in the garden, but IF you go beyond fence a or fence b, then you will have to come inside" So IF he goes beyond fence a or fence b, he comes inside and I depersonalise it (losing the locking horns aspect) "you are coming in because YOU went beyond fence a/b and that's a shame. Lets play with whatever now" and when he whinges/argues, its not about ME saying NO, its YOU have come inside because YOU went beyond fence a/b. Its a shame that YOU made that decision because it would be fun outside! Never mind, next time YOU might decide to stay within fence a/b, and then YOU will be able to stay out there!

Basically, it gives me the opportunity to empathise with him, and break the cycle of locking horns. It's not ME stopping him from doing what he wants. Its rules and HIS decision.

Lara44

What an interesting thread, I have no kids yet but my sister had similar power battles with my nephew (we are all very stubborn in my family!). You sound like a wonderful Mum.

It sounds like your son is very clever, is he playing up because he's bored? Would stretching him through play / sport / music / art / extra work / new experiences help at all?

esmf73

Jody - I freely admit I've not read through the whole post, but your children sound very like my eldest - almost 6. I know I am not a bad Mum because I also have a younger child. I also have to believe in myself - I am the only mum these kids have got and I'm doing my best (and making mistakes) in getting there!

I'm currently mid whinge with my eldest - as I've told him he can't go out and play now as dinner will be ready. He has just stamped upstairs screaming and slamming doors!!!! OH THE JOYS!

I quite often ask myself why - can I cope with this anymore and I am having help, but I still can't manage with this behaviour. At the end of my tether which is attached to my tether! Just lots of hugs for you and for other mums going through the same thing x

JodyBPM

Hi, thanks everyone. I have had a wonderful day with DS today, he's really responding well to the choice/consequence technique. I'm having a really good time with him. I'm realising a lot that he's not naughty, there's not many things that he wants to do that I don't allow, its just that we have not been communicating well and so there's been power struggles and battles. I've also been spending much more time with him (enjoying him!) rather than withdrawing myself because I'm getting cross! It's making me think a lot about what my expectations of him are, and realising that I need to be clear. I think in the past I have expected him to just know stuff (eg you need to put your shoes on before going in the garden) but actually he doesn't, so I need to spell it out to him! When I do, calmly, he cheerily complies!

Its really early days, obviously, but so far so good!

I'm realising (sadly) that a lot of the issues were caused by my behaviour, and not his:(

meritaten

awwww Jody, your post brought tears to my eyes!
I SAID he sounds like a lovely lad didnt I??? you WERE doing something right and hopefully now you have taken a look at things with fresh eyes (as it were) things will improve. sometimes we get the behaviour we expect, and changing tactics often improves the situation!
Thanks for the update - can you do it again after the other bone of contention? Bedtime I mean! I really hope it goes well for you!!

Rebob

Ask your health visitor or at your local sure start centre if they know of any webster stratton courses running in your area. These are really worth while and really help. I have a son that has behaviour and emotional problems which together with school, me and hubby doing the webster stratton course and sending him to the local scouts we have made much better. He never fitted in and was always in bother but now as he grows up we are finding he is becoming more average which makes us really pleased.

missprice

oh darn that guilt

i had it too with boy, he had a medical problem that was not diagnosed until he was 10 ish
me and him had some mighty battles and then when i was told it was medical i nearly hanged myself with the shame of it
i mean it was so obvious when i was told
so all that grief was such a waste
years of loosing my rag again and again
and someone will say it wasnt my fault
but yes it was actually
i should have had him diagnosed much much sooner:(

so any advice that i can give that will help and stop some other mother going through it and save one mother and child even one battle
i am there

and btw the shoop shoop song is pretty good for distraction
especially as you have to sway and make arm movements
and you can sing it as loud as you like:)