Dealing with a "difficult" child

JodyBPM

Reggie_Rebel wrote: »

Strong willed, more like a pain in the !!!!.

If he won't go to the naughty step, take him there. If he moves, put him back.

If you think that's a bit harsh then try involving him in the decision making process

You "It's bedtime now shall we pack your toys up?"

Him "No"

You "I think we will, come on lets put them back in the box"

If only it was that easy!

We do take him to the naughty step if he refuses to go. We do put him back if he moves.

We do do the "oh yes you will" when he says "oh no I won't" But none of this makes a difference. All day, everyday, is a battle like this:( He doesn't adjust his behaviour, we just keep battling on. And its exhausting, and I can't take much more of it:(

tori.k

can i ask how long you tried the reward charts for?
Positive reinforcement will work but with mine i found it took a couple of months for the "penny to drop" the first few weeks were hell, as the moment we took a star off, DS would kick off and say "im not doing this anymore" it kinda got worse before it got better, when the penny dropped with him things were 10 times better then before so it was worth a nightmare few weeks,
Keep with it, things do get better

JodyBPM

tori.k wrote: »

can i ask how long you tried the reward charts for?
Positive reinforcement will work but with mine i found it took a couple of months for the "penny to drop" the first few weeks were hell, as the moment we took a star off, DS would kick off and say "im not doing this anymore" it kinda got worse before it got better, when the penny dropped with him things were 10 times better then before so it was worth a nightmare few weeks,
Keep with it, things do get better

We've tried them a few times with specific things. Funnily enough, they work to start with, and then he decides he doesn't want to do it any more and then they become completely ineffective.

travelgran

Best not to actually remove stars or buttons etc. After all, he was doing what you wanted at the time he 'earned' it. Rather than losing points be clear about why he's is not getting his star and be precise, not just, 'because you were naughty' but, 'because you didn't put your toys away when I told you'. Remind him that the reward will take longer to earn.
Also I agree with others' advice about language. Don't 'ask' him, 'tell' him. My pet hate is the phrase, 'would you like to...?' After all 'No' is a perfectly legitimate response!
Stick with it and Good Luck!

beautifulgorgeous_2

My difficult son (14 today) would argue about everything all the time so I picked my battles. For example He shrugged off his coat on the floor, I hung it up with no comment or we could have stand off as we argued as to who would pick it up.Tried counting but he joined in and the naughty step never worked for him. I also set him a target, I bet you can`t get upstairs and your jamas on by the time I count to 5, pick up 20 toys before this timer goes off etc. I do hope I can use the toilet first and I won`t find you their first. Much exaggeration of dismay if he was there first. My son didn`t (and still doesn`t ) think that I had the authority to boss him around so I found it better if much of what he did was his idea IYSWIM. He is a lot easier now though still a teenager so not that easy and enjoys school:A

babyshoes

Blimey, if I had refused to do as asked I would have had 3 warnings (first time was instruction, second time instruction repeated with consequences made clear, third time was final warning) then a smack, end of! If I carried on crying for too long afterwards the threat would be for a second smack - never got that far though!

Not allowed to do that now, are you?

missprice

really good point above

pick your battles

i had to be stupid and argue over everything with my son
eventually i was worn out and realised things are not always that important

so yes he left a glass on the floor, better than arguing over who should pick it up i would simply pick the damn thing up
beating on his sister (who adored him btw)
was worth the row.

but usually the more precise you are the better for the child
no backtracking ' said in whiny voice but you said maybe'
no fuzzy logic
i said 'xxx' and thats what i mean
bet he can tell the time already too so be absolutely precise about bedtime/how long to watch tv/ how long on computer etc

there is much less for a child to argue about if you have been that specific may seem silly (i felt silly explaining to a 4 year old i mean come on he was 4) but it got me and him there in the end

oh and keep on keeping on

eta a good game for walking somewhere is
oh my life is that a CROCODILE i see behind that hedge (whilst doing a snap snap)
quick hurry run
oh no there is a LION in that garden
quick hurry run (whilst emitting a lions roar)
well i never i am sure thats a BIIIG BEAR behind that garage
etc
etc
its fun and they dont realise they are being hurried along

mrsS_2

my Ds (now 10) was VERY determined at 4 years old. The nursery said thay had never come across such a determined child and how did I cope at home? Very helpful!

anyway, I found that although I was being very strict at home and expecting him to comply with instructions on the second request, that I was not getting the support from school so he was getting mixed messages. I dont know if this is the same situation you are in? The school would ask him nicely to stop playing and do a painting for instance, or a piece of work and he would just say "no, too busy. I am playing power rangers". Unfortunately the school did not feel they could force him to do what they wanted and just let him get on with it. He therefore thought quite rightly that telling one adult "no" and getting away with it meant that was how life was, consequently he was more difficult at home than he needed to be (IMO)

I tried sticker charts, pocket money, taking away toys and treats. Nothing worked

eventually found out that he is an incredibly competitive child- so saying "lets race to see who can put the most toys away", or "lets see if you can do X quicker than yesterday" really helped. The school took this on board- if they wanted him to say pick the letters of his name out of a box like all the other children, he just wouldnt do it. Instead they laminated lots of letters and hid them in the playground and made them find them as quick as possible- worked a treat!

By the age of 7, I found that junior school and male teachers and lots of sport meant that HE wanrted to do well and the teachers just wouldnt take any rubbish from him. The consequences of bad behavioour at school meant that he didnt get in the team, and we havent looked back since

Good luck

Spendless

I just typed a long reply that got lost GRRRRRRR:mad:

It sounds as though you are in a power struggle with him. I was with mine and only realised when he was 8 I'd never heard of them before.

This is when child thinks/tries to be in charge. Eventually it can be a positive thing if chanelled correctly (eg natural leadership skills).

I found out because at the end of my tether I enrolled on a parenting course running at my child's school.

My son was older when I went (8) so not sure if what I found useful will be appropriate help.

Reflections of feelings to him ..so you are cross because xxxxxxx, you feel sad due to.......

relevant consequences to actions.

If you have a children's centre in your area and you are able to attend (eg if you don't work/work p-time) they may be able to offer support/guidance etc.

meritaten

your lad sounds lovely!!! kind and compassionate, shares with others - you have definately being doing something right!!!!
as others have said - focus on the positive and PICK YOUR BATTLES. decide with OH what is non-negotiable whether its bedtime or getting dressed or putting toys away and work on this area first.
I find kitchen timers invaluable - when telling the kids its bedtime set the timer say at ten minutes and tell the child when the timer goes off you have to get undressed/into bed/ into bathroom for teeth brushing or whatever your prebed routine he is sticking at is.
the timer also helps with the getting dressed for nursery - give him a minute to get out of his PJs and make it fun and a competition - can he beat the buzzer! much praise if he does!
I am sure you can think of more occasions when you are fed up of either counting down or giving out times like the speaking clock! dont! let the timer do it that way you can be getting on with other things and it helps frazzled nerves! also by making the timer the 'boss' you arent directly confronting him and he may be more amenable.
but if you decide on this method do stick with it and dont alternate with your voice or you will confuse him.
it may not work overnight - but after dealing with various kids and grandkids (one of whom is autistic spectrum) I find its much easier on MY nerves this way.
you can also incorporate the reward chart if you wish (I kept a stash of little pressies hidden away so their reward materialised as soon as the magic number was reached) .
Good luck!!!