Funeral - Have to go on my own?

absfabs

I'm sorry about your loss.

Think it's all been said and you have come to a good decision, taking them with you and perhaps mother will say "of course, come along" but also having alternative programme planned.

Your mother may just be too upset to consider other peoples' feelings. She may want as little fuss/trouble/people as possible. Later, she may be glad that so many people showed they cared by coming to the funeral.

Thinking of you!

squibbs25

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Paying for a funeral is a completely different question; responsible people have always made provision for that.

Planning one's own funeral is a comparatively recent phenomenon (apart, perhaps for expressing a preference for burial or cremation) and one that I find difficult to understand and frankly not very helpful.

Beg to differ about it not being very helpful!
In her mind she has taken the 'burden' of arranging the funeral away from her children, Nan has had to arrange several funerals in her lifetime and feels it's one less thing for her daughters' to worry about at such a distressing time.
She is a very oranised lady who at just turned 94 is still very much with it.

At least nan will get the 'send off' that SHE wants rather than the one we think she 'would have liked'!

Each to their own!


Thanks for updating us OP.

duchy

I didn't regard organizing either of my parent's funerals as a burden. I was honouring them and it was the one last thing I could do for them.

I fufilled their wishes as a mark of respect but I doubt they were worried if it was done THEIR way (although it was-despite neither funeral was of my own faith so I had a steep learning curve!)-they were beyond caring -the funeral is for those left behind. It mattered to me to get it right for them however.

melancholly

i guess i've seen a few family funerals where decisions were made that i wouldn't have made, but you just have to go with the decision of the closest person to the deceased. no grandchildren were invited to my grandmother's funeral..... i think because my grandfather didn't want to 'drag us there' and have a huge event - that was too much for him to cope with. i wish i'd been able to go, but my feelings were secondary to those of my grandfather. pushing the issue would have been insensitive and i can also see why he didn't want us all there.

i'm surprised that the OP has been told not to bring her OH - no kids is understandable and when grieving, i can understand not wanting to worry about the whole family being there. i guess i agree with ONW - the OP's mother is the one who makes the call here..... and often these decisions are very personal and very difficult, but expressly breaking her wishes may cause big problems as this is a time when emotions are heightened and logic isn't always applied.....

OP - i'm so sorry for your loss - just try and concentrate on saying goodbye to your dad and remembering him. everything about the service is window dressing on top of that and shouldn't make a difference to the way you keep his memory alive.

Oldernotwiser

squibbs25 wrote: »

Beg to differ about it not being very helpful!
In her mind she has taken the 'burden' of arranging the funeral away from her children, Nan has had to arrange several funerals in her lifetime and feels it's one less thing for her daughters' to worry about at such a distressing time.
She is a very oranised lady who at just turned 94 is still very much with it.

At least nan will get the 'send off' that SHE wants rather than the one we think she 'would have liked'!

Each to their own!


Thanks for updating us OP.

I just think that one of the purposes of a funeral is that it gives those left behind something positive to do rather than to just sit round moping. It also allows the chief mourners to remember the deceased in the way they want to; after all, a piece of music that was meaningful for the person who dies may be completely meaningless to those left behind whereas something they would choose could make the occasion even more memorable for them.

As you say - each to their own!

poet123

I think this is probably about your mother wanting to "circle the wagons" around her with her immediate family. The fact that she has asked you to stay the night suggests to me that it is your company she wants and your attention. It may just be that she feels that the presence of your husband and kids would detract from that, not that she doesn't want them there, ifyswim

Could you do as has been suggested, and take your family down, let them stay at a nearby travel lodge and you stay in the family home and support your mum after the funeral, and maybe then stay a couple of days with her, or take her back with you for a few days?

She will be feeling devastated, lost, and very alone, despite the number of people around, and sometimes no matter how much you like your in laws, it is only the familiar, your blood family that you need, or have the energy to cope with.

Condolences to you and all your family, these times are never easy to get through.

Molly41

R10 wrote: »

Hi

I am really upset that my husband and children are not wanted to attend and I really, really do not want to drive down and go alone. But I don't want to upset my mum. It has reached the point that I can't think of anything else and am almost at the point of driving off somewhere on my own next week for the day just remembering my dad on my own, which I know is probably not a good idea. I know I need to support my mum's wishes but what about what I think, or am I being selfish?

Any suggestions, please?

Sharon

Hi Sharon
Im really sorry to hear about the death of your father. Unfortunately funerals have a horrid habit of becoming an area for family conflict. There is so much upset and emotion floating about. I can totally understand how you are feeling. I had a lot of hassle with my family members when my grandmother died three years and did just what you are dreaming of. I went and sat in my parish church with my photos and memories instead of attending the funeral. I was obviously upset and the curate came and sat with me and we said a memorial/ funeral type service for those not able to be present. This was at the same time as her funeral. It was very peaceful and meant an awful lot to me and I like to think to her too as she had two funerals that day! Now I have a faith but you should do whatever makes you comfortable.

However i do wonder why your mum is laying down restrictions? does she feel that she might break down and cry and this would upset the kids? Does she have the view that kids are too young for the funeral? Does she think she think she might not cope with kids?

Hugs x

squibbs25

duchy wrote: »

I didn't regard organizing either of my parent's funerals as a burden. I was honouring them and it was the one last thing I could do for them.

I do not see it as a 'burden' either, maybe burden was too strong a word for me to use (although they are nan's words) i believe she means more along the lines of 'having making decisions at a heartbeaking/distressing time'. (if you knew my nan you'd understand her terminology LOL the way she says things are not necessarily meant the same when written down as there is no emotion in black and white) if you get what i mean
In her mind she believes she has made things easier for her family.

I'll leave it at this now, as it's hijacking the original thread, sorry OP x

squirrelchops

I think it is really important for your children ie the grandchildren to be able to have a proper goodbye to grandad. so many issues can occur because children have not been given the opportunity to say goodbye and to make sense of their loss.
However as your mother is saying what is what there is also the issue of respecting her wishes. Thing is though...it isn't ALL about her. Other people have needs too.

Surfbabe

squirrelchops wrote: »

Thing is though...it isn't ALL about her. Other people have needs too.

This is the crux of the matter - my mum died in February and the grief we have had from neighbours and friends is extraordinary. They were not considering the families needs at all - demanding to know when the funeral was, why it wasn;t being held where they thought it should be etc. Truly upsetting for those of us who were trying to cope with the death of someone who had struggled with MND for 18 months but had only been diagnosed with it 4 days before she died. Because of hold ups with the coroner and the fact that my sister lives in the USA we held a service of thanksgiving at the church mum attended and then had a family funeral (which anyone can attend as a church and cremetorium is a public building) at the church that my family attend - its happens to be the other end of the county. All the grandchildren attend (9yrs - 20yrs) and they needed that closure. There is no way we would have precluded any partners etc. The same when my dad died - his funeral was huge (about 350 people) but he was a well known vicar.

Everyone grieves in their own way but you do need the closure in order to move on to the next stage and that should mean anyone should be able to pay their respects. Its also a sign of support for those left behind IMO.

My children have attended funerals since they were pre-school age (19-21 now) and they are upsetting but they know what to expect. I have friends in their 40's how are petrified of attending a funeral as they have never had to.

Have you tried explaining to your mum how you feel?