Funeral - Have to go on my own?

Sneezy

ailuro2 wrote: »

Plenty of time when they are grown up attend funerals.

This is very true - I had just turned 13 when my uncle died, I was given the choice whether I wanted to go or not. 10 years later I'm glad I didn't it meant that we (my sisters and I) could remember him as he were when he was alive and not any other way. (the months after were awful when we went to visit my Granny and Grandad - and he's still NOT talked about at all there but we talk about him at home).

OP ask your Children if they want to go and if they do, do as someone has suggested turn up with your family & ask your mum at the last minute. If they don't want to but still want to say goodbye come down with your family attend the funeral and say goodbye (later on/nexy day) with cards/flowers/empty bottle of his favourite tipple (if your children are aware) in his favourite place.

margaretclare

I can understand why the widow doesn't want small children at a cremation.

When my first husband died his grandchildren attended the Requiem Mass, but went to play with their friends in the care of friends' mum, while the rest of us went to the crematorium.

I've been to a few cremations in my time, but I'll never go to another one.

duchy

I wonder if it's not just your Mum doesn't want people to see her so upset but specifically her grandchildren especially if she feels funerals aren't a place for kids.

Maybe she's not thinking straight-well that's her perogative -and it isn't selfish-just trying to get through a distressing time. Lots of people do things when they are grieving that later they can't understand why they did or wanted such a thing.

I don't think you should travel alone -but equally I don't think you should pressure your Mum by turning up with you husband and kids. In your shoes I'd simply tell her that you can't travel alone at such an upsetting time so your husband is travelling with you -and the kids but are respecting her wishes not to attend and you've all booked into X hotel. She may say-yes fine or she may say well as they are going to be around anyway they should come-but either way it's her decision.

Personally I don't think funerals are the best way for kids to say Goodbye anyway. Especially a crem-seeing a coffin disappear is really scary for some children -we're all inclined to remember the last time we saw someone-for kids to know they are in a box that disappears and is then burnt can be really upsetting-better to remember Grandad at Christmas or Easter or whatever .

Mojisola

I find it hard to imagine how things will work out at the crematorium. Is your Mother going to have bouncers at the door who will refuse entry to everyone not on her list? What if neighbours and friends of your Father turn up to show their respect for him? Are they going to be kept outside? If your nieces and sister-in-law are going to be there, it is hard to understand why your OH isn't welcome.

Whatever you decide to do for the cremation, don't do the journey on your own. You will need the support of your OH afterwards and shouldn't be driving home alone and upset.

mumcoll

I am sorry for your loss Sharon, I know how funerals seem to bring out some very strange decisions from grieving family members.

I hope whatever you decide, the day goes as well as it can do.

Brighton_belle

OP, I am sorry to hear about your dad - this must be a very hard time for you and your family. Thanks for filling us in a bit more.

I can understand the desire not to have small children at the funeral and your mother's need for some level of privacy for her grief.
I do find it harder to understand why she doesn't want your husband there and in my opinion you he should be able to be ther to support you (and as a close member of your family).
I was wondering though, if your mother, in her grief, wants you to herself as her daughter, to help her cope with the day (and doesn't feel quite the same about her son, hence less bothered if his wife comes?)
I still think your husband should able to be there, but I wonder if this is her reasoning, and of course she isn't able to think about your needs becasue she is so overwhelmed.

But definitely don't feel selfish or anything like that. It's the most natural and normal thing to want your husband without and quite 'odd' that he isn't allowed to be. Though as i say, this sounds like the irrationality of grief talking.
I hope your compromise idea works ok fo you. Your mum may also change her mind in the coming days.

duchy

I wonder if it isn't that the OPs husband isn't welcome but more the widow doesn't want children there and it has kind of got lost in translation a bit with lumping the husband and kids together. Perhaps she thinks/knows you wouldn't have childcare so the kids father would need to stay home to care for them ?

mountainofdebt

I'm going to sit on the fence here.

I do agree that the OP's children are the deceased's grandchildren and therefore suffering a loss as well BUT given their ages I do think it would be inappropriate for them to go to the crematorium. I've been to crematoriums where a curtain goes around the coffin at the end of the service but I've also been where the coffin is lowered iykwim and the later was far more upsetting - and I'm an adult.

However I do think that the OP's husband should attend - I'm sure that the OP's mother didn't mean that he shouldn't attend and that everything has got lost in translation, especially if the relationship between the husband and the FIL was a good one.

Oldernotwiser

squibbs25 wrote: »

Are they though?
If that's they case then why do people plan and pay for their own funerals?

Paying for a funeral is a completely different question; responsible people have always made provision for that.

Planning one's own funeral is a comparatively recent phenomenon (apart, perhaps for expressing a preference for burial or cremation) and one that I find difficult to understand and frankly not very helpful.

Oldernotwiser

R10 wrote: »

I am just reasured that most of you think I am not being selfish and horrible by wanting my family close by.

I certainly haven't thought that you were selfish and horrible for your views and I hope that my posts haven't come across that way. I've simply felt that your mother's wishes are the most important thing to be considered and you seem to have taken that on board.

When my own mother died there were only 4 of us at her funeral (myself, husband, father and aunt) which wasn't what I would have liked but it was all my father could cope with. Having lost his wife and best friend after 50 years of marriage, I felt strongly that his needs were greater than mine and we arranged things to suit him.

I've always felt thankful that I was able to put his needs before my own and that this is what my mother would have wanted.