Funeral - Have to go on my own?

creased-leach

Your mum is being selfish. She's denying your children the right to say goodbye to their grandad. She has no right to dictate that they, and your hubby shouldn't be there- and she certainly has no right to dictate where you should stay.

Go with hubby & the kids, turn up for the service and then go home. Be with the people who want whats best for you on what will be one of the most traumatic days you'll face. Do whats right for you, and if there is fall out afterwards, deal with it calmly then.

Oldernotwiser

shellsuit wrote: »

But you don't have to be invited to a funeral.

Anyone has the right to attend..

You're obviously right but if the OP's mother doesn't want the husband and children at the funeral then I think that the OP should respect her wishes.

I don't think that it's a question of anyone being selfish but just whose needs take precedence.

squibbs25

Would it be possible for your OH and children to come with you, but not necessarily attend the funeral, but for your hubby to take the kids off somewhere maybe to the park so they can remember grandad?
Maybe stay overnight at a travel lodge or similar.
Not the most ideal situation but at least OP will have her hubby nearby if your mum is still adamant with the no kids/partners.

My stepdad passed away in November and i would have been deverstated if my mum had insited that neither my hubby or our children could attend.
ALL the grankids were given the option of going from the age of 7 up to 20 (the youngest granchild was only 6 weeks old) My children chose not to go but came to the 'wake' bit after.
Although it was a cremation, it was a non religious service (and very tastefully done) - it wasn't 'scarey' for the children that did attend.

OP - how would you feel if you didnt go to the funeral and made your own arrangements for that day with your hubby and children?
Would you live to regret not going?

Personally i dont think it is your mum's choice to make, it should be about your dad and what he would have wanted.
Is it possible that your mum has misunderstood your dad's instructions for 'immediate/close family only' thinking that it means just your mum, you and your siblings?

Really sorry for the loss of your dad x

shellsuit

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

You're obviously right but if the OP's mother doesn't want the husband and children at the funeral then I think that the OP should respect her wishes.

I don't think that it's a question of anyone being selfish but just whose needs take precedence.

The OP and her Father are united through blood.

Her Father and Mother are united through marriage.

I know in my mind who should take precedence.

meritaten

I know its your mother, but, a cremation isnt by invite only! anyone can attend.
I would go as a family straight to the crematorium and unless your mum invites you to go to the family home after, leave and go home.
your mum is out of order here - YOUR DADS FAMILY have a right to attend. and your kids are his blood relatives and if they want to pay last respects they should.
I am sorry but when your mum says close family only - does she mean her and their kids? pretty poor turnout then. wonder what your dad would have thought?

Oldernotwiser

squibbs25 wrote: »

Personally i dont think it is your mum's choice to make, it should be about what your dad and what he would have wanted.

Funerals are for those that are left, not the dead.

Oldernotwiser

shellsuit wrote: »

The OP and her Father are united through blood.

Her Father and Mother are united through marriage.

I know in my mind who should take precedence.

I completely disagree. When a couple have been together for this many years it's the wife whose loss is greatest and whose feelings are paramount.

The OP and her siblings will mourn and go on with their lives and their own families, the wife is left alone with an enormous gap in her life which nothing can fill.

notakid

All go down. You attend the funeral, if that's what your Mom wants, and the do after. Your husband can take the kids out somewhere. Meet up later with your family, get a travelodge or something.

Then after a horrible draining day you will have your family to cheer you up.:D

Explain to your Mom, that's what you are doing.

Maybe she just wants her "girls" around her, to remind her of her family?

mandi

I dont think the OPs mum is being selfish TBH , I just think she is in mourning over the death of her husband and best friend .

Rio, If I were you. I would take your family with you , but ask your mum if she minds if they can attend when you arrive . If she says no then I would respect her wishes , but your family will be there to support you .

Sorry about your dad .

squibbs25

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Funerals are for those that are left, not the dead.

Are they though?
If that's they case then why do people plan and pay for their own funerals?
My nan is one who has pre arranged her own funeral, she has decided everything from the coffin down to the hymns/songs to be played.

So yes i agree in one respect that they are for the people left behind but it is also about the person that's just died.
(No offence intended to anyone - just my opinion)