Funeral - Have to go on my own?

welshmoneylover

You should all go, children & hubby, I don't think anybody would turn them away after such a long journey, keep strong.

I'm sorry to hear about your loss x

ps, perhaps your mum is too traumatised to be thinking straight right now and *with hindsight* might be glad of your own extended family being there on the day x x x

Person_one

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Funerals are for those that are left, not the dead.

The OP is one of those left. She has lost a parent, that is a huge loss whatever their age, and its not a 'who's grieving the most' top trumps contest! The mum simply shouldn't be making these demands unless there is some backstory the OP hasn't mentioned which would explain her desire to keep her son in law and her own grandchildren away.

To me, this isn't about the OH and the kids 'getting' to attend the funeral, its about the OP needing them to be there to help her through a difficult time.

I'd say from personal experience that driving long distances alone at times of grief is not a good idea in terms of safety anyway.

hayley11

Sorry about your Dad OP.

I agree with others that your mum is being quite selfish, does she not get on with your husband? Or did your Dad not get on with him? I sort of understand her not wanting maybe younger children there but I do sort of feel that is ultimately up to you as their parent.

I always thought the more people at a funeral the better, isn't it a sign of how loved and respected somebody was? I can't imagine why your mum doesn't want everybody there who cared for your Dad.

I feel so sad for you having to go through all that by yourself too, especially when it's so far away.

Could you speak to your mum about some of the suggestions on here? Like your OH and kids going down with you and then you spending the night in a hotel?

coolcait

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

You're obviously right but if the OP's mother doesn't want the husband and children at the funeral then I think that the OP should respect her wishes.

I don't think that it's a question of anyone being selfish but just whose needs take precedence.

I don't think that a bereaved spouse's needs take precedence over the needs of a bereaved child. Or the needs of a bereaved grandchild.

It actually surprises me that a mother - even in the midst of her own grief - should put this kind of added burden onto her daughter.

I have just startled my OH by informing him that if I go before him, and he has the temerity to force either of my children make the kind of choice which has been presented to the OP, I will get out of that coffin and chuck him into the flames instead!

He can't understand why I'd even think that such a thing would happen, because - as far as he's concerned - funerals are open to everyone who wants to pay their respects to the deceased. As he says, if the only people who could go to funerals were the ones who got on with everybody else who was likely to be present, then a lot of people would get buried alone!

I hope the OP's mum reconsiders her decision, so that the other bereaved family members have the chance to pay their respects without complications.

coolcait

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I completely disagree. When a couple have been together for this many years it's the wife whose loss is greatest and whose feelings are paramount.

The OP and her siblings will mourn and go on with their lives and their own families, the wife is left alone with an enormous gap in her life which nothing can fill.

I'm glad that my family has never created a league table of 'whose loss is greatest'.

Dealing with the losses was bad enough.

I cannot disagree with you more on this topic. Even the example you have given here doesn't hold up to scrutiny. Many widows and widowers remarry. It doesn't mean that they didn't love the person they lost. It certainly demonstrates that the widowed (of both genders) can move on and not be alone.

They can never 'replace' the person they lost, but they can find happiness with someone else. It's the same in reverse for the children of the deceased. They may find happiness with someone else, but they can never 'replace' the person they lost.

coolcait

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Funerals are for those that are left, not the dead.

Yes.

All of those who are left.

Savvy_Sue

Our reactions after a bereavement aren't always logical or defensible.

But I'm with those saying that the whole family should drive down, but the OP should go alone to the service, and go home when she wants / needs to. Unless Mother changes her mind on the day.

ailuro2

Only you know if this suggestion will work or not - book a hotel / travelodge / B&B for the night, plan to do something nice with the kids in the area next day before you drive back. Go alone to the funeral then as a family to any meal etc. afterwards, depending on the time of the funeral perhaps your DH could take the kids for lunch to a local Brewsters that has a play area.

imho a 6 and 8 year old would probably be pretty shocked and upset by a room of adults crying their eyes out, they can say goodbye to Grandad by giving you a home made card to take with you for him. By thinking of your kids not attending as being a good thing for them rather than 'not beign invited' maybe that will help you deal with it. fwiw my DD was 9 and 10yo when her grandads died and she didn't attend either funeral. Plenty of time when they are grown up attend funerals.


I'd say respect your mother's wishes on this one, if she regrets it later don't say I told you so. It sounds like she wants a small private affair where not too many people will see her grief, some people are just like that.

newbie1980

my children were 4 and 7 when there gran died and i thinkif they dont get to say goodbye they will regret it later in life.
my wife still cant get over not saying goodbye to her grandad and thats 20yrs on
i knowthe mum is grieving but she isnt the only one who is.
i insisted that my children were present for this reason and so they can try to understand

R10

Hi

Thank you to everyone who has taken the time to reply.

To answer some of your questions, my mum is not usually controlling and our family all gets on well, there have been no arguments and my husband and dad got on well together.

I think my mum wants as few people as possible at the cremation service to witness her grief (which I can understand). My dad knew loads of people though and had lots of friends. Two of my nieces are going to the funeral (they are in their twenties, so not children) and I don't know why my brothers wife is going as my mum is not that close to her anyway. I don't want to press these questions on my mum at this time though.

I think we may all go down and I will go to the service alone and all home afterwards. During that time my husband will take the children off to do the local park/beach and if I can we will try and release a couple of balloons for my dad from my children.

I am just reasured that most of you think I am not being selfish and horrible by wanting my family close by.

Thank you

Sharon