Funeral - Have to go on my own?

Make-it-3

Perhaps your mum is being practical, if she doesn't want children there (and many people do think it is inappropriate) she thinks your OH would need to stay with the kids. I also think she probably wants her nearest and dearest staying with her overnight to cope.

But do agree, it's not nice for you to have to travel on your own. So the idea of taking OH and kids, but not to the actual event works well. While you are at the crematorium perhaps OH can take the kids to one of grandads favourite places and have their own little rememberance ceremony with balloons/flowers or whatever.

Britwife

I haven't read all the replies but family is family. Being a spouse doesn't make you any more family just because you have lived together the longest.

I would just take my family as they want to say goodbye to their father in law and grandfather. Your mother may regret it later that she denied her own grandchildren to the wake. You could stay to the back with them, pay your respects, share a moment with your mom and be on your way. apologize to your mom for bringing them but they were too upset and wanted to be there to show respect and support for you and their grandmother. And your family didn't want you to travel on such a sad journey alone.

After you give your mum your love and sympathy, make your way home with your family knowing you did the right thing.

I'm so sorry you lost your dad hun

Oldernotwiser

Britwife wrote: »

I haven't read all the replies but family is family. Being a spouse doesn't make you any more family just because you have lived together the longest.

That would be a reason for the OP's husband not to go though!

(Does your husband know that you don't think of him as being part of your family?)

Savvy_Sue

Of course, while you may not be able to ask your mum why your SIL is going to be there while your husband is not supposed to be, you CAN ask your brother.

Perhaps he was told the same as you but said no, sorry, my wife will be there to support me, just as I am there to support you.

Or maybe your mum treats sons differently to daughters. I know my brothers can do no wrong ...

poet123

Britwife wrote: »

I haven't read all the replies but family is family. Being a spouse doesn't make you any more family just because you have lived together the longest.

I would just take my family as they want to say goodbye to their father in law and grandfather. Your mother may regret it later that she denied her own grandchildren to the wake. You could stay to the back with them, pay your respects, share a moment with your mom and be on your way. apologize to your mom for bringing them but they were too upset and wanted to be there to show respect and support for you and their grandmother. And your family didn't want you to travel on such a sad journey alone.

After you give your mum your love and sympathy, make your way home with your family knowing you did the right thing.

I'm so sorry you lost your dad hun

You see, I think this misses the point somewhat. I could see that when my Father died, and my mother was left to live alone 50 years of marriage, no matter how much I was grieving, her loss was much greater. I had a job, a family and distraction, I had a full house etc etc. She had to make the greatest adjustment of her adult life. So, to me her wishes and needs were paramount, and although there were soem things I may have done differently, she was the one who needed the care and support.

Maybe it is just me, but I wouldnt go straight home after my fathers funeral leaving my mother alone. In my experience it is then, when all the visitors drop away, that you are most alone, and immediate family is most needed.

Obviously, if you have kids and a job, then it is not easy, but to say as some posters have on this thread, ....pop in pay your respects and get home, seems quite callous and unfeeling to me.

andrealm

But the OP's mother won't be left alone. The Op's sister and her niece are going to be staying. Perhaps the brother and his wife, who is being allowed to go the funeral are staying too, while the OP has been told that her husband can't come.

Savvy_Sue

poet123 wrote: »

Maybe it is just me, but I wouldnt go straight home after my fathers funeral leaving my mother alone. In my experience it is then, when all the visitors drop away, that you are most alone, and immediate family is most needed.

But I think the grieving widow has to appreciate - even at this early stage - that everyone is grieving. And the OP said that her sister and niece were going to stay the night, so Mother won't be on her own.

When my dad was in hospital, and since he died, I have spent quite a few nights with my Mum. However the night before the funeral I knew that I would need to be with my husband and sons. Since my mother doesn't really speak to my husband, I wasn't about to suggest that we should all stay with her. Fortunately one of my siblings offered to be there.

Perhaps my mother expected me to be there, I don't know. I just made it clear that I wasn't offering: I had, by that stage, done as much as I could cope with.

meg72

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

Funerals are for those that are left, not the dead.

Strongly disagree. Why else leave a Will and last wishes and isnt just the only thing left that we can do for them

poet123

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

But I think the grieving widow has to appreciate - even at this early stage - that everyone is grieving. And the OP said that her sister and niece were going to stay the night, so Mother won't be on her own.

When my dad was in hospital, and since he died, I have spent quite a few nights with my Mum. However the night before the funeral I knew that I would need to be with my husband and sons. Since my mother doesn't really speak to my husband, I wasn't about to suggest that we should all stay with her. Fortunately one of my siblings offered to be there.

Perhaps my mother expected me to be there, I don't know. I just made it clear that I wasn't offering: I had, by that stage, done as much as I could cope with.

I appreciate your feelings, but correct me if I am wrong but it sounds as if you live pretty close to your mother, that does not seem to be the case for the OP, so popping backwards and forwards would be more difficult than either an extended stay (of a few days) or bringing mum home to stay with her.

I also understand the sentiment of having given as much as you could, I have been there, but again, from the Op, I don't get the sense that this has been that type of protracted illness with family being needed to rally round.

I can just understand the Mother wanting (all) her own kids present in the family home with her for the funeral and the night of the funeral. I think most people could if they thought about it, but I suspect few of us would articulate it because of the family problems it could cause. I think it is the distance involved here that is the issue, if mum lived around the corner it would be much easier and more acceptable for the daughter to stay with her (without her husband). The non atendance request regarding the OH at the actual funeral service is less understandable imo, and maybe it is a misunderstanding?

Savvy_Sue

poet123 wrote: »

I appreciate your feelings, but correct me if I am wrong but it sounds as if you live pretty close to your mother, that does not seem to be the case for the OP, so popping backwards and forwards would be more difficult than either an extended stay (of a few days) or bringing mum home to stay with her.

I live 70 miles away, so hardly round the corner. There are others who live nearer, but I seemed to be the only one who offered to stay.