Funeral - Have to go on my own?

R10

Hi

Looking for some opinions really.

My dad died last weekend and the funeral is next week. I live 170 miles away. I had spoken to my children (age 6 and 8) about grandad and funerals and explained what happened and they want to go to say goodbye. Now my mum has said it's a small family only cremation but does not want any children there and no partners either (although I believe my brothers wife is going). It means I willl have to do the journey on my own and then my mum is insisting I stay the night (my sister and neice will be staying too) and go home the next day. I will want to get home as quickly as possible.

I am really upset that my husband and children are not wanted to attend and I really, really do not want to drive down and go alone. But I don't want to upset my mum. It has reached the point that I can't think of anything else and am almost at the point of driving off somewhere on my own next week for the day just remembering my dad on my own, which I know is probably not a good idea. I know I need to support my mum's wishes but what about what I think, or am I being selfish?

Any suggestions, please?

Sharon

shellsuit

So sorry to hear about your Dad andNo, you're not being selfish at all.

Your Mum cannot stop anyone attending a funeral.

Do you know why she doesn't want partners and children there?

Your Father was part of their lives and they should be able to go along to his funeral if they want to, even just to support you.

It's not a pleasant thing to ask, but is your Mum normally controlling, ie, telling people what they can or can't do, or is this a new one on you?

Person_one

I think your mum is being quite selfish actually. I know she's grieving but so are you, and if she wants the support of her family around her she needs to understand that you want that too. Its also very divisive to say that one child's partner is welcome but not the other!

I'm not sure what a practical solution is but didn't want to read and run. I'll have a think for you.

Sorry about the loss of your dad. x

happyhaddock_2

Hi Sharon, really sorry to hear about your Dad, mine passed away suddenly on the 26/4 and we had the funeral on Wednesday,so I know how you're feeling:(

I have to say that I would of also been really upset if my husband and kids were not invited to the service, is there any reason why your mum has said this?. Have you tried explaining how you feel, especially as your sister in law is going, I certainly would not of been able to drive 170 miles on my own and I think it is a bit unfair of your mum to expect you to.

Really hope you get it sorted out, you don't need it at this sad time xx

Amanda65

So sorry that you've lost your dad. I can understand your mum wanting a small, family funeral, but your husband and children were your father's family and therefore surely entitled to be there? I wonder if there is a specific reason your mum doesn't want your husband there (if there is but you don't want to say that's fine).

I would try and explain to your mum that at the very least you want your husband there - both for support at the funeral and as a companion on the journey. If she really puts her foot down about the children (and many people don't like children at funerals, although personally I think they can provide some light relief on what is otherwise a very sombre day) perhaps you could do something special with you children, like send balloons with messages for granddad off of a hilltop, on a seperate day.

Oldernotwiser

I think that when it comes to funerals, what the deceased's spouse wants goes. This is a time when you have to put your personal feelings aside and do things her way, I'm afraid.

shellsuit

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I think that when it comes to funerals, what the deceased's spouse wants goes. This is a time when you have to put your personal feelings aside and do things her way, I'm afraid.

But you don't have to be invited to a funeral.

Anyone has the right to attend.

And this is the OP's Father, her partner's Father in Law and her children's Grandfather, so they have every right to be there.

OP is meant to drive all that way on her own, upset and worrying, then attend the funeral and not have her OH there to comfort her, stay overnight when she doesn't really want to and drive all the way home, alone?

That's not fair at all.

If anyone is being selfish, it's OP's Mum.

MrsE_2

shellsuit wrote: »

But you don't have to be invited to a funeral.

Anyone has the right to attend.

And this is the OP's Father, her partner's Father in Law and her children's Grandfather, so they have every right to be there.

OP is meant to drive all that way on her own, upset and worrying, then attend the funeral and not have her OH there to comfort her, stay overnight when she doesn't really want to and drive all the way home, alone?

That's not fair at all.

If anyone is being selfish, it's OP's Mum.

In Ireland its a mark of respect to go & neighbours & everyone is expected to attend. I think invites to a funeral are a strange thing.

I think the OPs mother is being very odd about this, I can't understand her reasoning.

If its a small family funeral then the OPs IMMEDIATE family should be able to attend with her. The OPs father was after all their father in law & grandfather.

MrsE_2

Oldernotwiser wrote: »

I think that when it comes to funerals, what the deceased's spouse wants goes. This is a time when you have to put your personal feelings aside and do things her way, I'm afraid.

Well the OP could decide to just attend the service then & then leave.

andrealm

I'm so sorry to hear about your dad. You're not being selfish at all, of course you would want your husband and children to go. I don't understand why your brother's wife is going but your mum doesn't want your husband to go, unless they'd fallen out or something?
Is your niece going to the funeral?

I also think if your children want to go it would be a great shame if they weren't allowed to go. I'm a firm believer in children being allowed to go to family funerals if it's what they want, after all they have lost their granddad.

I know your mum has just lost her husband, but then you have lost your dad and need support too.

zzzLazyDaisy

OP could your OH drive you there, and take the children to a local park and then meet you afterwards to see the flowers, or something like that?

That way you don't have to do all that driving on your own, you can go home afterwards, and your children can say their goodbyes in their own way.