My 5yo son may have high-functioning autism & I need help on how to discipline him :D

Mics_chick

Thanks for all the help and info Gingham :T I'll have a look at the SENGifted site

Savvy_Sue

Mics_chick wrote: »

He was born into a family of pedants- he is of the 4th generation that I know of coz I didn't know my great-grandparents!!!

It is an art form in this house too but is knocked into second place coz sarcasm is first :rotfl:

Now, we struggle a bit with sarcasm, DS1 has had to learn how to do that, and how to respond to it. He can do it now, but me saying "Oh that's REALLY helpful, isn't it?" when he'd done something terrifically UNhelpful just didn't make sense to him when he was younger.

DVardysShadow

julie03 wrote: »

i cant help much, but my son has dyspraxia and suspected ASD and we have problems with disipline, it seems whatever punishment we give he doesnt seem to learn from it, i feel like a demented parrot, i seem to repeat the same things day after day but it seems to get louder.

There is more to discipline than punishment.

For a start, if you get the behaviour you want, that might be as a result of pre-emptive discipline and punishment would be totally inappropriate.

And if there is a transgression of something you have failed to communicate, again, punishment is inappropriate. And even if you have communicated your expectations, but badly, punishment is again inappropriate.

And if you have communicated expectations and been fully understood, there may be better means than punishment to get a better result.

I am not saying you should not punish, but I really want to make the point that punishment is far from being the only response

Mics_chick

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Now, we struggle a bit with sarcasm, DS1 has had to learn how to do that, and how to respond to it. He can do it now, but me saying "Oh that's REALLY helpful, isn't it?" when he'd done something terrifically UNhelpful just didn't make sense to him when he was younger.

I'm not saying my 5yo ds is sarcastic just the rest of the family - me, my OH, my parents, OH's parents, uncles, aunts, etc, etc

I think my ds doesn't get it when I say things like that either (but not sure).
I have said to him "How many times do I have to tell you not to do X" and got the reply "13 times", "1068 times" etc LOL

JC9297

In your first post you said you were still suffering from PND after your son's birth, do you mean your 5 year old (you don't mention another baby) if so you really should get that sorted out. The PND will make it harder to manage looking after any kids harder, let alone one with possible ASD.

As a mother of one son with autism and one neuro-typical ("normal") son, I would warn you against thinking any behaviour you don't like is a problem caused by his ASD rather than typical boy behaviour. Please don't compare him with his sister and expect him to behave the same way, I don't think most boys realise it is possible to do things without being asked at least 3 times!!

LittleMissAspie

flimsier wrote: »

But you also have aspects that point the other way - you're self-aware, which is very rare with AS sufferers (I am not convinced 'sufferer' is the best word). And you've self-diagnosed, which is very common in non-AS sufferers. And last, it doesn't sound like it hampers you like it really can some AS sufferers (you have a job/ buying a house and so on).

It seems in you to be more like a personality trait that appears similar - from afar - but of course I know all I have to go on is a few posts.

I am diagnosed and I think PN is more aspie than me. I have a job and am trying to buy a house too. Going to work takes up most of my energy, if I was on benefits I think I would have a more normal life but I don't think it's right to be on benefits if you can help it.

There's no way I could have written a post like PN's though, I have little idea how it affects me because I don't know what it's like to be normal, I can't compare. I only know what it's like to be me and to me I am normal, my way of doing things is the correct way.

Savvy_Sue

Mics_chick wrote: »

I'm not saying my 5yo ds is sarcastic just the rest of the family - me, my OH, my parents, OH's parents, uncles, aunts, etc, etc

I think my ds doesn't get it when I say things like that either (but not sure).
I have said to him "How many times do I have to tell you not to do X" and got the reply "13 times", "1068 times" etc LOL

Well, you may have to lose the sarcasm. DS1 can just about get it now, and use it himself, but when he was younger it was completely lost on him, and it was important not to use it or he got completely confused. Even now he will sometimes have to check what's going on ...

SingleSue

I found using a pro active parenting method instead of a reactive parenting method cut down the amount of 'discipline' needed.

So instead of having vague rules (i.e expected social norms) which the child was expected to adhere to (and which made them confuzzled because they didn't know clearly what was expected), I had very clear and set rules where they knew exactly what behaviour or answer was required.....result was a calmer, non stressy child who then didn't react to a confusion or stress.

As a result of this, behaviour has improved (you will still get the normal naughty behaviour you will see in any child), my stress levels have gone down and the children are happier...it even allows us to go out more socially now as they know what is expected of them, the supermarket is no longer a place to avoid, the cinema is a place they enjoy etc.

I also look to see what triggers they have, in youngest it is busy places or somewhere he will feel put under the microscope (or even someone admiring a piece of work he has done - you can't praise him, he doesn't like it), with middle son it is going outside of his meal times and his brain not being active enough and work on those to make them feel more secure and able to adapt a little better to the ever changing and confusing world around them.

As for parental traits, I know I have some, eldest tells me I can get very OCD ish about things, particularly timings, numbers and standards, I hate being late, I hate others being late and if either one of us are late (or time is tight), I get incredibly stressed and will generally sit there in tears because I can't cope. I am also not so good in social situations and feel apart from everyone else and awkward...but it doesn't stop me trying.

Mics_chick

Can you give me any examples of your pro-active parenting Sue?
Like a particular situation and how you would put it into practice?

Savvy_Sue

I don't know about that SingleSue, but even when mine were quite big we'd run through the "What to do if you lose Mummy" routine whenever we went anywhere.

It was something we picked up on after a session at nursery, with DS1, but I used it on any days out with their friends too: get eye contact and remind them that if they couldn't see us, to stay where they were, NOT run off further. Then if they were worried to talk to someone in uniform, or someone with children, or a shop assistant - we'd make that bit consistent with wherever we were.

But the BEST thing to do was NOT lose Mummy, which meant not running off ...

I only ever 'lost' one of mine, and he found someone with children, who rang the police, and he was brought back to where we'd lost him, and there I was in a complete panic, so it worked on many levels ...

We also always sat up at the table, even for drinks and biscuits, so there was never a huge fuss over spilt drinks on the lounge carpet.

and all this is before I knew DS1 was an aspie ...