My 5yo son may have high-functioning autism & I need help on how to discipline him :D

SingleSue

hgbels wrote: »

I've just been readingn through this thread and wanted to say thanks to Sue for some of her tips.

My 6 year old boy definatley responds better to the pro-active rules described - the only problem being that I need to remember to do it. I have never got him to walk holding my hand, but for the last two years I just say - stop at the tree etc as we walk and he does. If he has to walk with me he sits down fiddles with the grass or hedge I get stressed etc etc.

I also find that now I choose my battles a bit better. He has 'issues' with socks and shoes, and wil only wear certain pairs of socks. We used to have problems every morning trying to get out of the house. Now I just make sure we have the right socks.

I must buy some of the big timers as I think this will help.

I don't think he is an Aspie but there are definately some traits (and in his dad).

The one area I still struggle with is praise in front of people. He will not hand the birthday boy a present or be given them or say a clear 'thank you' - but will happily chat at other times. He also goes funny if he gets singled out for praise at school etc.

Hels

The pro-active way certainly does need commitment and is harder initially than the usual parenting route because you need to remember and be able to see potential problems ahead instead of reacting to problems in the here and now.

My ex hubby really did think of it as being wishy washy and a waste of time and thought a good old smack or shout would do the trick..my way was not proper disclipline because I wasn't smacking them into next week according to him.

But it worked...for me, it may not work for everyone, it really does depend on the child involved and how their ASD impacts on them.

One other thing I used when my boys were wee was the count down system, most parents will say start counting upwards in an attempt to stop their child doing something they really shouldn't. I found that confused my boys as they didn't know when it would stop, will it stop at 3? 5? 10? So I counted down from 10 and they knew that 0 was the bottom number (well until they got clever and could think of minus numbers :rotfl:) and that when it reached 0, they had better stop what they were doing!

Something which worked incredibly well with my youngest was sums (as in maths), even before he could speak properly, he wanted sums to calm him down when stressed, sometimes he could shout out "Sum!" to me, other times I had to watch for the hands and silly noises and then ask "Do you want a sum?" or just ask him what 5 + 3 is (he was only very young at the time).

It got to the stage when he was very stressed about school and we were upto working in the millions and not just add one figure to another but add one figure, divide it by something, multiply it by something, minus by something, add something else on etc etc...by the end, it was a 12 or 15 stage sum which I had to work out as we did it, while driving! No surprising he was GCSE level in maths by age 10

It is hard work, I still work at it now and have to change strategies as they grow older (and cleverer than me!) and their needs change....it is not a one off do it and it's sorted, it has to be a constant way of parenting.

SingleSue

starnight wrote: »

I also agree with Sue's point of view, we all have different perspectives of what is normal.

Mics - I know where you're coming from with birthday parties, I've got to the point I worry about having them, but we are going to try one again next year. First time had a party for DS it was familly only, went to the aquarium and for something to eat. He ignored everybody most of the day and when someone tried to bring presents out he screamed and hid under the table!!

Birthday parties! Nightmare!

We had a party for my eldest son last year and in looking at the different rooms, I had to think of youngest and his escape route for when he found the crowd and noise too much. We luckily found a hall which had an old exit which was locked but had a very handy little hallway type space just by it where he could close the door and have a little space whilst I could still see where he was, he could see me but he was away from the crowd and safe.

He also doesn't go to school when they are having the christmas parties, end of term no learning days etc as he just can't cope with school not doing lessons....his outreach teacher (from the specialist Autism school) generally takes him up there for the day. Dress down days are something we are working on, we actually managed to get him to not wear a school shirt on the last one but the trousers and shoes were a step too far....only taken about 5 years!

We are still working on P.E, in all the years he has been at school (he is now year 7), he has only changed once for P.E (in year 6) and we all thought we had cracked it after so many years of working on it but alas, he got stressed again by the SATS (where he spent most of them hiding under the desk having ministry of funny noises and movements) and we have not been able to manage it again since...he won't even take his top off let alone change all of his clothes.

Begger, I've gone on a bit too much there :rotfl:

Gingham_Ribbon

SingleSue wrote: »

Something which worked incredibly well with my youngest was sums (as in maths), even before he could speak properly, he wanted sums to calm him down when stressed, sometimes he could shout out "Sum!" to me, other times I had to watch for the hands and silly noises and then ask "Do you want a sum?" or just ask him what 5 + 3 is (he was only very young at the time)..

Oh bless him! I totally get this. When you mean watching out for the hands and silly noises, do you mean flapping/twitching and a loud high pitched hum by any chance?

Gingham_Ribbon

SingleSue wrote: »

We had a party for my eldest son last year and in looking at the different rooms, I had to think of youngest and his escape route for when he found the crowd and noise too much. We luckily found a hall which had an old exit which was locked but had a very handy little hallway type space just by it where he could close the door and have a little space whilst I could still see where he was, he could see me but he was away from the crowd and safe.

:rotfl:I went to a school disco with my son recently and we both hated the noise and chaos so much that we both sat on the stairs for a while then made a break for it and went home. I remember commenting to one of the dads that I was 'this' close to hiding under the table. My lad coped with it better than me though.

Allegra

PasturesNew wrote: »

I've not read any Aspie books, I'm still at some denial stage I think

Here it is: http://www.amazon.co.uk/Blue-Bottle-Mystery-Adventure-Adventures/dp/1853029785

I am not really coming to terms with it very well ... and kind of hoping if I don't read anything about it, it will just go away and I can be 'normal'. It makes me very sad really, now I know ... and that's lead me into some strange mental states the last couple of years, where I'm on a rollercoaster of awareness, then a feeling of 'loss', loss for the life I've not had (even though I don't know what that would have been).

I wonder where I'd be now ... if only ...

PN, if you do ever feel the need to take the plunge and read more on the subject, I would recommend Tony Attwood's "Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome". As well as being utterly comprehensive, it is also the most funny, compassionate and sensible book I've read on the subject (and I read everything I could get my hands on, as I tend not to take in any non-textual information). What's more, it's one of the very few books that deals with how Aspie girls differ from Aspie boys. And apart from anything else, it's a cracking read - personally, I believe that everyone should read the book - it would do away at a single stroke with so much prejudice caused by ignorance.

To the Op and other parents who mentioned demented parrots - persevere. My DD (13 and Aspie) is very intelligent and has very developed reasoning, yet certain things I have been repeating over and again for over a decade are only just starting to sink in. No matter how bright a child with an ASD, they learn differently to the accepted norm, and some things will just not be learnt until they are ready for it. Sometimes it's almost as though they have to rewire parts of their brain before they are ready for comprehension to dawn !

Oh, and do pay attention to your wording. No ambiguity, no assumptions, no figurative language. If you want them not to throw things, you need to explain why. Over and over again, in a variety of different ways, until you find a way that gets through to them.

Savvy_Sue

It's also worth listening out for any phrase which indicates that 'they' have 'got it', and then using that phrase when necessary.

DS1 once said "Not should do that, no!" in a particular tone of voice, I think in response to something his little friend did 'wrong', and we still say it that way sometimes, between ourselves, if something is VERY wrong! (He's 22, and could pass for 'normal' now!)

Mics_chick

The one thing that is bothering me about a possible ASD/Aspie diagnosis is that he is a very loving little boy and will come up to you, give you a hug and say "I love you" which is something only he does.
He didn't learn it off us or his older sister...

PS I'm not saying we don't hug and kiss each other but no-one did it in that exact way until he did

[Deleted User]

SingleSue wrote: »

The pro-active way certainly does need commitment and is harder initially than the usual parenting route because you need to remember and be able to see potential problems ahead instead of reacting to problems in the here and now.

My ex hubby really did think of it as being wishy washy and a waste of time and thought a good old smack or shout would do the trick..my way was not proper disclipline because I wasn't smacking them into next week according to him.

But it worked...for me, it may not work for everyone, it really does depend on the child involved and how their ASD impacts on them.

It is hard work, I still work at it now and have to change strategies as they grow older (and cleverer than me!) and their needs change....it is not a one off do it and it's sorted, it has to be a constant way of parenting.

I totally agree with this. Its kindof 'advanced' child rearing skills lol.., trying to figure out how to get your child to want to do what u want them to do without bribery lol. And yes, sometimes they progress quicker than u do lol, which in retrospect is quite funny (altho not necessarily at the time). Ahh the joy of having a bright child with ASD lol.

Allegra

Mics_chick wrote: »

The one thing that is bothering me about a possible ASD/Aspie diagnosis is that he is a very loving little boy and will come up to you, give you a hug and say "I love you" which is something only he does.
He didn't learn it off us or his older sister...

PS I'm not saying we don't hug and kiss each other but no-one did it in that exact way until he did

Do you mean that you do not believe that a child with an ASD would do this ? If so, believe me, they can, and do. My daughter has always been - and still is - very affectionate. When it suits her. God help you if you try and touch her when she does not want it or is not prepared for it, though !

Buttonmoons

Mics_chick wrote: »

The one thing that is bothering me about a possible ASD/Aspie diagnosis is that he is a very loving little boy and will come up to you, give you a hug and say "I love you" which is something only he does.
He didn't learn it off us or his older sister...

PS I'm not saying we don't hug and kiss each other but no-one did it in that exact way until he did

My friend has Aspergers, and he is VERY touchy feely, if something upsets him or he has said something that he knows has hurt someone (without realising) he wants a hug from you and reassurance that it's "all cool now". He's 20

Where as my cousin who is 8, has aspergers also, loathes being touched, doesn't even like touching your hand if you are passing something to him.

Everyone is different, weather aspergers or not.