My 5yo son may have high-functioning autism & I need help on how to discipline him :D

PasturesNew

Mics_chick wrote: »

Off the top of my head:

Not running off when I'm walking him home from school. He's running after excitement and shiny things.... but all kids run off. Just treat him the same as any other kid, but, if he whines what he's after trying to do then listen and let him do it. e.g. he might be running off ahead, so he can draw your attention to something, or he might be running ahead because he wants to see something before you get there and "spoil it" by being noisy. But, it might be the environment he's trying to rush past. Is it a noisy road? Is much moving? He won't like noise/moving things, so might be trying to hurry the journey up... could you try putting a bit of a wriggle on and stop dawdling?

He doesn't like to hold my hand so I don't like to force him if I could get away with it. We DON'T DO TOUCHING!!! Apart from the actual touching, it's the restraint that's a problem. We need to be free to move away from things we don't like, or just hang back a bit, or be forward a bit.

I'd like to be able to have him walk near me as his 6yo sister does but is that an impossible ask? Let him keep his own distance, I like to hang back behind others. I hate being in front, being beside can be an issue, especially three abreast. If there are three abreast, when you come to an obstacle you have to step aside/behind, ergo, to a logical brain, it makes sense to not be three abreast to start with.

Doing something (anything sometimes) the first time I ask without having to count to 3 to get him moving??? You need to keep him informed as to what will happen when. e.g. don't walk in and say "books away now, it's tea-time" and walk off. Set that expectation that "at X time I'll call you through for your tea, so you need to have your books away when I come and call you. OK?" and make sure you have his full attention before you say this. Aspies are unitasking, this means if we are already doing something, we need to be given a few seconds to focus on what you are saying/wanting, our brains are locked into what we're currently doing. Only ONE thing at a time ... and those few seconds that you wait before you let him know what to expect/when will be the difference between him hearing it, or not hearing it as his mind was elsewhere.

Not back-chatting/answering back when I do try to discipline him. It's not back-chat always, it's being pedantic, picking you up on the difference between what you said and what you're now saying. Any instruction you gave will have been received literally. e.g. "Don't drink from the can while I'm out", would mean it's OK to use a straw to drink from the can... so if you come in and wallop us because we've found a way round not drinking from the can, then we'd think that amusing... not something to be told off for... but congratulated for our genius!

Nothing I can think of is really a major problem but I'd just like to find the most productive way of discipling him with exasperating him, me and my OH !!!

Hope that helps.

1ubthrifty

Speaking as a person who works in a primary school and has had to learn how to communicate with children with all sorts of issues, I have been trained to strip language down to its simplest. i.e. if a child needs to be encouraged to sit still, we simply say,'good sitting' and praise the child for doing so at the soonest possible opportunity. Children respond to praise, as do adults. We are also trained to give praise at every given opportunity, "well done that was kind" "good sharing" "good manners" etc.
I can see the children who just don't understand emotions and cause offence at every turn and can sympathise with parents who have to live with it. These children don't know that they cause offence and are often extremely intelligent. We have to remember that children with autism and/or other conditions don't see things the way we do and do not read facial expressions as we do , often causing offence. You are doing the right thing by asking for advice. xxxxxxxx

[Deleted User]

I have a 14 year old with ASD (Aspergers and Dyspraxia). I rarely smack him (like once in a blue moon) or shout at him because if he is being difficult, it only makes his aggression worse. Look at my threads.., u'll probably see that my son is very similiar to yours.., can barely write but has a reading age so high they can't actually test it (they stopped at 19.5 years when he was 11 I think).

Instructions are difficult for many kids with ASD.., there is a problem retaining them because of the cross wiring in the brain, its far more difficult to do a task than it would be for you or I. So tell him clearly and precisely two of the steps, then go back or watch and chat (laugh chat) while he does that and give him the next two steps. Watching in a friendly way is good cause u can identify what's causing problems. Its taken over a year but my 14 year old now does the washing up faultlessly and stacks the items most of the time so u don't get an avalanche(I did say MOST lol). And he's more confident of doing jobs around the house. We have a lot more fun in this house. And I've told him over and over, there is nothing wrong with being different, being different is what made many of the leaders in society who they are (Einstein, Richard Branson, Bill Gates etc etc). Let him be proud of who he is, instead of feeling like he is a liability. Find the things he is good at and work on the things he's not so able at.., they can improve.., I know my son is improving on all fronts, not just scholastically. Things that I was told he wouldn't be able to improve on, like his social skills.

Try and have laugh time with him as well, about anything, its so important and helps him feel like he's a person with valued opinions, feelings etc.

One time when my son was really starting to get aggressive and ignoring me telling him to calm down so I could understand what he was saying (it was making him feel worse cause he wasn't feeling listened to) I just stopped for an instant, thought help! to myself and then ok, time for another approach and I just gave him a big hug and said I know u've had a hard day, I'm sorry its been so hard'..., and u know what he went from boiling to nothing in about 10 seconds. Sometimes when they are in meltdown its from frustration that no one is listening and u fix that, then they calm down. U have to appreciate that your son's world is a very difficult world. Imagine if u were being called names at every turn, not always knowing quite why (at school).., u'd probably be a bit aggressive and angry too.

I'm afraid, its hard, its totally exhausting.., my worst point was just after I'd had another baby (he's now 4).., my older son was hardly sleeping, I was hardly sleeping and I very nearly cracked. But its also totally wonderful too. My son is now recognised (4 years later) as being rather bright.., after being supplied with a scribe at school that allowed to show them his true abilities when not handicapped by his inability to write (I had to work constantly on his school but it worked in the end).

Please please don't take anything said in here as criticism.., I guarantee u I have been where u are now and done all the same things.

Also see if there is a carers support in your area., they will help u get 'sitters' if u need a break.., and I'm sure u do. Your HV may be able to help u get your baby in a Surestart nursery or another nursery to give u some essential 'me' time. That's how I was helped when I was seriously depressed. It allowed me to recharge my batteries and gave me the energy to deal with my older son more positively.

I could write a book, all learned the hard way lol.., on how to cope with having a child with ASD., but it has many many lovely moments too.

I've taken so long to write this, u've posted more lol.

With the not moving thing when u ask him to do something. I made it a bit of a game.., I would make it fun by counting to 10.., or whatever, and see if he could get back/finish by the time I'd reached 10 (say to put his trousers on or something). We'd both be laughing by the time he'd done it (and if it was a problem my counting slowed down lol but I'd still be smiling so it was still a game). With walking outside it would always be a problem. I don't know how much your son is ok with communicating.., but I used to 'hold hands' by talking.., about whatever he was interested in. At first it was endless monotribes about PC games he liked, but gradually we started having actual conversations about anything under the son. He can now even take me saying, 'hang on, I wanted to talk about XYZ instead of the intimate details of a pc game' lol. Before we started this, I don't know how many times he just sat on the pavement and refused to walk any further even if there was a treat at the end of the walk. Distraction is a very good technique. Try and not make him feel even more different even if impatience is dripping out your fingernails.., try and encourage him .., praise what he is doing even if its only a small part of what u want him to do.., he's more likely to feel encouraged and go further the next time.

PasturesNew

Mics_chick wrote: »

When were you diagnosed PN?

I'm not, formally.... but it's bl00dy obvious to anybody that knows me that's something's never been right. Also, professionals I've come into contact with, who have deep knowledge of the condition have all instantly said "yes ... you are" as if it was a relief because they didn't want to mention it before. I didn't even know about it 3 years ago.

But everything fits. Everything. But I can't get diagnosed because it takes ages and I am alone ... and the process you have to go through is not conducive to my well-being. It would frustrate me and make me anxious and bring out all kinds off odd behaviours trying to go to the places and appointments and speak to the people etc that I'd need to. And there's nobody to be there with/for me to help me through that.

So, I "just know" ... and it's good as knowing has enabled me to understand a lot more about my life and the world and other people ... and enabled me to reduce anxiety and bad situations many-fold. So, just knowing is enough. It'd be nice to be diagnosed formally, except I am not strong enough to even start that journey. I've been battered by life too much now. I'm happy just to quietly know and nod.

Mics_chick

PasturesNew wrote: »

I'm not, formally.... but it's bl00dy obvious to anybody that knows me that's something's never been right. Also, professionals I've come into contact with, who have deep knowledge of the condition have all instantly said "yes ... you are" as if it was a relief because they didn't want to mention it before. I didn't even know about it 3 years ago.

But everything fits. Everything. But I can't get diagnosed because it takes ages and I am alone ... and the process you have to go through is not conducive to my well-being. It would frustrate me and make me anxious and bring out all kinds off odd behaviours trying to go to the places and appointments and speak to the people etc that I'd need to. And there's nobody to be there with/for me to help me through that.

So, I "just know" ... and it's good as knowing has enabled me to understand a lot more about my life and the world and other people ... and enabled me to reduce anxiety and bad situations many-fold. So, just knowing is enough. It'd be nice to be diagnosed formally, except I am not strong enough to even start that journey. I've been battered by life too much now. I'm happy just to quietly know and nod.

What sort of things fit PN?

julie03

this is a great insight into how my son thinks, we get all the backchat when we tell my son off, and all i get now is all the things i've said to him, ie: i've had it up to here with you! i find it disrespectful, he finds its funny and the more he does it the funnier he finds it

we have started using small steps, ie when tidying up we give him a couple of things to do then we go back and give him the next steps, it takes forever tho

Mics_chick

julie03 wrote: »

this is a great insight into how my son thinks, we get all the backchat when we tell my son off, and all i get now is all the things i've said to him, ie: i've had it up to here with you! i find it disrespectful, he finds its funny and the more he does it the funnier he finds it

we have started using small steps, ie when tidying up we give him a couple of things to do then we go back and give him the next steps, it takes forever tho

Yep this sounds so familiar it's unbelievable !!! :rotfl:

If I say to him "I'm going to take your fave toy off you unless you stop chucking it about" he replies "Well I'll take all your books of you!!!" I love reading :wall:

[Deleted User]

But I promise u.., it will click and he will start doing the whole thing with only a minor reminder.

I nearly died of shock this week when my son actually took the rubbish out without me asking him to.., and without spilling everything all over the place lol. I've only just started asking him to do that (I'm not a slave driver, I'm just gradually expanding what he can do so hopefully one day he can live independently). Of course, he got praised endlessly for doing that. And he's done it since too as well lol!

flimsier

So I did my dissertation in my PGCE on a student with Aspergers and seem to get on well with students who have Aspergers. I can't really comment on your exact situation, as I've not known children with Aspergers outside of school.

The first thing is that most people, if not everyone on this forum, will only be able to help - but you will know your son best and so don't apply advice you don't think is right.

I also get frustrated with people who think they understand Aspergers because they've read a Mark Haddon book, or because they themselves have trouble making friends and identify with one or more of the characteristics of an Aspergers sufferer.

I would say that common ways of getting students with Aspergers Syndrome to behave are:

* break down expectations so that your meaning is utterly unambiguous.

* very explicit consequnces related to actions, that ALWAYS happen in the same way, and immediately afterwards. This applies to rewards and sanctions, and you need to establish consistency. Never waver from a threat, or a promise of a reward, even if the students appears not to care.

* when something goes wrong, explain in great detail (including exploring questions such as "Why?" about why it went wrong). Try to explain your feelings, but remember they may not understand (or appear to care) about others' feelings. This isn't because they don't care, and is because they don't understand.

* try to keep up the family physical contact (hugs and that), because once it's gone, it will be hard to get back (this comes from a parent).

* ignore bad behaviour you haven't set up expectations for that is attention seeking (I mean here, you might not have said that something is bad behaviour - like I had one student working on the floor because I hadn't forbade it [in the end I actually said he could if he was working]). When it's over, you can set up the expectation that it can be included in bad behaviour, but try not to change this too often, because

*change is hard to cope with

* a list of rules, that the child can refer to, is often very very effective, bearing in mind that changing them will take you back to step one.

There's probably more.

julie03

Mics_chick wrote: »

Yep this sounds so familiar it's unbelievable !!! :rotfl:

If I say to him "I'm going to take your fave toy off you unless you stop chucking it about" he replies "Well I'll take all your books of you!!!" I love reading :rolleyes:

mine tells me im grounded for a week, don't know how hes gonna get to school!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!:rotfl: