How to come to terms with a termination.

leos-mummy

MoneySavingMamma wrote: »

I do think it was unacceptable to continue the pro-life rant over several posts, but I also think it is unacceptable for others to attack her parenting, the fact that she was on here rather than playing with her child. I love my son to bits, andplay with him lots, but I come on here & have a natter etc. We all do, otherwise these threads would be less than 20% of what they are! Doesn't make me a bad mum, we'd go insane if we played baby/child games every second our child does!QUOTE]


THANK-YOU. The majority of my time is spent caring for my son... so what if i sit on a laptop for a short while he even enjoys sitting with me and poking at the keys

mumps

ceridwen wrote: »

Well - I guess it really boils down to whether peeps think "I am the one that makes all the major decisions about MY life - and my body is NOT NOT NOT going to make them for me" camp or no.

I must admit that I personally am in the "I" am the one that makes such important decisions about my life - and I am NOT going to let my body go ahead and make a decision that is MINE and MINE alone to make.

I guess it really does boil down to what our basic viewpoint is personally about life - ie whether we let Life happen to us (ie our body gets to make OUR decisions for us) or we insist that WE (and we alone) get to make the major decisions about our life.

I am personally in the "I - and I alone - will make all the major decisions about my life" camp - but I am well aware that some people will let their body/fate/Life decide for them...

Horses for courses I guess - but I know that personally I absolutely insist that I and I alone will make all major decisions about my Life...so I do find it very difficult to understand others letting other factors decide their Life for them.....

I decide if I have sex or not, I decide if I use contraception or not. I have always been very careful about contraception and never needed to consider abortion but personally would never have one, I still feel that I make all major decisions about my life. I would never have had sex if I hadn't been prepared for the possible outcome. I certainly don't think I let life happen to me because I don't feel I could ever have an abortion. Having said that I don't judge people who have or would have one, we all need to find our own way in life and it isn't always easy.

I was approached by a campaigner for easier access to abortion, this was in the 70s and I think it was harder to get an abortion on the NHS then, she walked up to me with a big smile on her face and said something like, "I know you will support this." and pushed her petition at me. I was pregnant with a screaming toddler in a buggy and was 20 nearly 21 at the time. I felt so insulted that she assumed I would support her and felt she was saying I must wish I could have had one or maybe two abortions. I think my look said it all as the smile went and she backed away.

vik6525

Kimberley82 wrote: »

We all know you are the person who ruined my post, unlike you I am not going to hide behind a fake name any more. Yes it was me asking about abortion. But all your nasty posts will not make a difference.

You asked how my husband and children would feel, my husband is 100% behind me. My children do not need to know. But their lives will be better for me not having any more children.

I have had the children I want and do not want any more, I am done with that part of my life. We are waiting for my husband to have his vasectomy.

Try all you want with your nasty comments but you will not make me feel bad about doing what is best for me and my family.

its sad you've had to 'out' yourself as the OP of that thread, but I hope you're ok xx

Torry_Quine

make_me_wise wrote: »

What a naive statement, I really dont see why you find it hard to believe. The organisation obviously sees that they have a duty of care and want to provide additional help to any woman that may need it, after making what must be one of the most difficult decisions of her life. There are many, many reasons why women decide on abortion. I am thankful that we live in a society where a woman has a choice.

The problem is why would you want to go to the organisation who told you that in your circumstances an abortion was a good idea when you are subsequently suffering.

I agree that there are many reasons why women decide to have an abortion.

Person_one wrote: »

A warning to anyone in this position, LIFE are very very strongly pro-life, they have a vested interest in persuading women to continue with their pregnancies. Their advice is NOT unbiased or impartial.

Funnily enough, they offer very little support to women who do go on to have their babies. It seems that to a lot of people 'pro life' ends at birth.

Edit: Oops, I think I may have got LIFE mixed up with another group, care confidential. I'll leave this post up though because there are many pro-life/anti-choice pressure groups that masquerade as counsellors, and its always a good idea to do plenty of research before using one.

If you are saying that care confidential have a vested interest in a woman continuin with the pregnancy you are most definitely wrong! They often have no idea what the women decides unless she comes back and if they do they offer as much support practical and emotional as the women need and want. Care does not end at birth.


Kimberley - I sincerely hope that you get the abortion as that is what you have decided having considered all the options.

Leos-mummy - your anger and vitriol does you and the cause you serve no favours.

leos-mummy

Who's angry? Just passionate about an emotive subject!

littlestar1981

Torry_Quine wrote: »

Only one session of post-abortion counsellling will only uncover the problem and certainly won't deal with deep-routed problems such as grief, guilt, flashbacks or abusive behaviour towards themselves.

Can I just ask what experience you're drawing this from? Are you a counsellor? (This is out of genuine interest)

For me personally it was enough at the time - but I did have counselling months later because of various MH/emotional difficulties and admittedly the 'issue' of having had a termination did come up and we did need to 'explore' it further. I'm not sure I'll ever fully accept it, personally but we can't be counselled forever can we?

Also - this doesn't mean that the Marie Stopes counsellor wasn't the right person for the job. They're there for a reason.

Torry_Quine wrote: »

I'm not in any way analysing you but merely mention in passing that not being able to use the 'a' word as you put it can sometimes be an indication of post-abortion syndrome.

Not sure... I just think it's an ugly word. Interestingly, I read that this 'post-a syndrome' is something invented by pro-life advocates. That would be you!! (This sentence is supposed to be taken light heartedly)

Torry_Quine

littlestar1981 wrote: »

For me personally it was enough at the time - but I did have counselling months later because of various MH/emotional difficulties and admittedly the 'issue' of having had a termination did come up and we did need to 'explore' it further. I'm not sure I'll ever fully accept it, personally but we can't be counselled forever can we?

Also - this doesn't mean that the Marie Stopes counsellor wasn't the right person for the job. They're there for a reason.



Not sure... I just think it's an ugly word. Interestingly, I read that this 'post-a syndrome' is something invented by pro-life advocates. That would be you!! (This sentence is supposed to be taken light heartedly)

I'm pleased to hear that you did get more help later and yes there does come a point when you have to move on and it is not healthy to stay in counselling for an interminable time.

It would be good it post-a... syndrome were merely invented by pro-life advocates but sadly for the many men and women who suffer it isn't. I'm taking it in the spirit intended by the way.:D

I wish you well

pigpen

FBaby wrote: »

I too found pigpen totally lacking tolerance in her posts. It is not because you, somehow were 'forced' to continue with your pregnancy that you have to assume that you have it much harder than someone who had an abortion and now regrets it. You still have a choice not to have this baby in your life, there is still the door open to adoption if you feel so strongly you were done wrong and still don't want that baby. The OP doesn't have the choice to get her baby back.

I lost a baby after a couple of weeks, little cells of blob like you call it. It's been 2 years and it still hurts like hell, even though in my case, I don't have to deal with the guilt, which makes a big difference. After I miscarried and felt the huge pain of losing what I had imagined having for two weeks that made me so happy, everyone told me that it would happen again (especially as I'd fallen first month of trying). Well they were wrong. We've been trying for two years exactly and doctors have made it clear that the chances of it happening again were very low. This pregnancy was a miracle in itself, so no, I didn't lose just a few cells that day, I lost my chance of having a baby with my partner and that will hunt me for the rest of my life.

PMSL... check the date on the threads before blarbing.. the OP had the termination.. moved forward in her life and had, no doubt a gorgeous addition recently.. and this thread was 10 months before this was conceived.. so it does look a wee bit silly.. but it made me giggle..

I have actually posted on the miscarriage thread, the first m/c is the hardest after that it becomes sadly 'normal' and if you get a baby at the end then you rejoice... but I don't think termination and miscarriage are comparable, the circumstances are so different. My first I cried for 3 whole days.. after that it was all routine.. which is a sad place for anyone to be.

And in response to everyone else... seeing as so many are jumping on it 15 months later.. :cool:

I had a termination at 15 weeks 25 years ago.. I never give it a second thought.. it was a means to an end and I never regretted it for a second.. good riddance.. I also miscarried a 16 week fetus.. I also had 7 1st trimester miscarriages.. I don't even think about them unless prompted.. they are single random events in my life.. all but meaningless in the broad scheme of things.. they haven't changed who I am.. I have no guilt, in fact I have no feeling at all about it.. and I am not alone in that.. I made the right informed choice for me at that time and if I had issue with it then maybe it might have been the wrong one.. but I am confident enough in knowing I was right.. and like the OP and any others who have BTDT it was the right decision.. and if I go for my anomaly scan at 22 weeks and there is something wrong with this one.. I will terminate this to.. though the irony would be enormous!

In fact.. regards my termination.. I find it much much harder choosing new shoes than I did making that decision.. I want shoes, I like shoes.. that, I didn't want or like.. and I would do it again without a second thought. I don't expect others to feel the same as me but I know some do.. or should that be most I know do. it doesn't make me an alien nor that there is anything wrong with others who are happy with their decisions.. it means I did the right thing in my circumstances.

Like it or not.. I don't care which.. but I wouldn't try forcing my opinion down the throat of anyone else (unlike some).. When my 2 sisters and stepmother (she had about 6 and ended up with her youngest son after they refused a 4th in a 12 month period!!) and friend had terminations it wasn't for me to pass comment.. I respected their decisions and not one of them has ever given theirs a second thought either.. offhand I can only think of 1 person who felt bad and she was forced by her parents.

Anyhoo.. a thread well over a year old should have been left in the depths where it belongs..

Though.. to ravenlady.. I am pleased everything has had a happy end for you.. though the road was rocky.. you got there.. well done chick..

Kimberley.. none of us here have to live your life.. you do what you feel is right for your family and you.. and be happy with your choice. You have my backing and support whatever you decide and however you feel.

MSM.. I couldn't agree more.

Sorry.. bit epic.. I now have the good grace to walk away. I hope each and every one of you finds peace with your decisions

marywooyeah

Gemjar - I suffered incredibly after my unwanted abortion but went on a counselling course called The Journey with careconfidential. It was free, my counsellor was amazing and had also been through the journey herself so I felt I could really open up to her.
It wasnt just me talking and her listening, there were sheets and checklists to work through which I would have laughed at before but honestly they helped me put so much into perspective what I had been through. I kept them all, so when I feel sad I can look through them to see my progress.
I have photos of my 3 year old all over the house, and display my lost baby's scan photo on the mantlepiece rather than hiding it away in a box upstairs. I'm not ashamed of my little angel, and he deserves better than being hushed away as if he never existed.

I would completely reccomend the course, the link is below.

http://www.careconfidential.com/Default.aspx

If you don't feel ready for a course, I also found the book "A season to heal" very helpful. It contained stories very varied, of other women and how they came to have abortions, and how they came to terms with it.
God bless hun, I know it hurts so much xxxxxx

Person_one

MoneySavingMamma wrote: »

It should also not be used if it's 'a bit inconvienient' to have a baby. I know of a situation where someone had one, then chose to get pregnant a year later. Nothing had changed financially or otherwise in their lives.

So...parenthood as punishment? Great start for a child, there. Maybe the thing that had changed in their lives was that they were now ready for a child and actually wanted one?

Who on earth do you think you are to stand in judgement of somebody else's perfectly legal choice and decide whether or not their reasons and circumstances are acceptable to you?

Its one thing to say "I wouldn't have a termination in these circumstances", that's fine, if you don't want an abortion nobody will ever physically force you to have one, but how dare you take it upon yourself to claim you know what's best for everybody.

Post abortion syndrome is a myth. You won't find it in any serious or credible mental health textbooks or journals. Women are individuals, they make their own decision and they respond in their own way. If some women do feel guilt after an abortion maybe the huge anti-choice lobby telling them that they're immoral has something to do with that?

I wouldn't be at all surprised if lots of women who feel nothing but relief after an abortion actually feign a bit of regret and agonising. There are so many people ready to vilify them if they don't actually care that much.