Splitting up - Help

Pinkfairywings

Hello

I'm not really sure where to start. About 5 weeks ago, out of the blue, my partner of 3 years told me he wanted space to see whether he still loved me I Left our house for a week, having contact only via a few texts.

Exactly a week later he asked me to come round to talk, I knew from the tone of his voice what he was going to say. Basically he explained that he no longer loved me and wanted us to part. I didnt take this well as only a week previously he had booked a surprise holiday for me and had been talking about marriage.

Obviously I dont want to be in a one sided relationship so accepted this, moved my stuff back in and agreed we would stay living together until we sold our house. Within a day or two he admitted that he had seen his 'friend' to talk and that she had invited him over again that weekend. I was devestated to say the least, he assured me nothing had gone on and that it wasnt going to, she was just his friend.

Fast forward and for the past 4 weeks he has been texting and visiting her (she lives on the same street to make it worse!) loads. I understand he has feelings for her etc but just feel its all too soon. I still live with him so am seeing this day in day out and its breaking my heart. He is telling me that we are over end of and that he is free to move on, which i agree with but days after our split?

We have continued to be friendly as he is my best friend! However last night he recieved a text from her saying she is uncomfortable with him seeing me as a friend! He is now in a mood, wont talk to me and I dont know what to do! The !!!!! in me wants to storm round and tell her how I feel and give her a few home truths! But I dont want to seem like a desperate ex! To make matters worse I dont have any friends in this area that werent his before (and they are all keeping away) and I have no family to turn to I therefore have no where to go and no one to talk to! I just cant see a way of feeling better! I'd love to just move on and forget it but I cant seem to!

Im sorry for the long post, I just dont know where to turn

Person_one

What a truly delightful person he is. I'd suggest that if its so terrible for him to be under the same roof as you he can go and stay with his new girlfriend until the house is sold. If she's as wonderful as he thinks she is I'm sure she'd let him stay rent free so he can continue to honour his financial commitment to pay the mortgage.

ETA. I'm really really sorry he did this to you, I hope things get better soon. Are you planing to stay in the area when you sell of go where you have support?

Pinkfairywings

Thanks for your reply, its nice that I'm not the only one who thinks he's hurtful! I cant really move as I have a really secure job, which I do enjoy! My friends are all 200 miles away and its hard as I've not seen them in so long, but moving there doesnt seem to be an option financially

74jax

I agree with person_one, what a delightful chap.

yes you have split up and are living together for the time-being, but if he wants to conduct a relationship with someone else I think it would be best if he did it not in front of your eyes. It must be very hard to deal with.

Could you not ask him to maybe not 'flaunt' his new love, explaining that it is hard for you to see after such a short amount of time.

People move on at different rates, he's obviously been able to move on a lot quicker than you. Are you moving back to where your friends are? is the house up for sale?

You say you feel like going round there and giving her some 'home truths' what are these? you aren't still sleeping with him, are you?

Redman30

Yep, the only one deserving your anger is your ex - he knew exactly how much he'd hurt you, this other woman doesn't deserve your time. And he doesn't deserve your friendship to be brutally honest.

If I were you I'd be making plans to get away asap, or get him away asap so that you can refocus and get on with your future. Good luck, and consider it a lucky escape that he bottled it before you were married, things would be more complicated otherwise!

SemperFi

Sounds like a prince amongst men. Better off shot of him!

Geordie HUGS

aliasojo

Don't be too accommodating to his wants. He may feel his relationship with you has come to an end, but he still has a responsibility to behave like a decent, considerate human being.

Sit him down, talk to him. Cards on the table time, tell him you understand that things have changed but whilst you both live in the same house, you both need to acknowledge you will still be interacting with each other and he needs to be pleasant and civil. If he can't do that, he will need to move out.

I can imagine how bad you must feel right now, but men do not respect doormats so don't be one in some misguided attempt to keep things calm.

Redman30

74jax wrote: »

People move on at different rates, he's obviously been able to move on a lot quicker than you.

I'd put money on her being a symptom, not the cause. With marriage being recently discussed this could be the trigger. He's paniced (sp?), not sure what he wants for the future or whether he can think about that level of committment - so he's ended it with you. And she's stepped in to be there for him and he's lapping it up at the moment. I doubt he's really thought all the consequences through fully yet, so he needs a wake up call.

Don't let him have his cake and eat it, you need to stop doing any couple-y things you might be doing, ironing, meals, food shopping, walking the dog. He needs to realise that the relationship is over, and he can't just go out to play accross the street then come back to dinner on the table.

**confuzzled**

Pinkfairywings wrote: »

Fast forward and for the past 4 weeks he has been texting and visiting her (she lives on the same street to make it worse!) loads. I understand he has feelings for her etc but just feel its all too soon. I still live with him so am seeing this day in day out and its breaking my heart. He is telling me that we are over end of and that he is free to move on, which i agree with but days after our split? If he's adamant it's over then talk about him moving out, he's the one having problems with his new [STRIKE]harlot [/STRIKE]girlfriend not you. You've done nothing wrong!

We have continued to be friendly as he is my best friend! No he's not! Your best friend would never do anything of the sort to you.

I'm so sorry he's done this to you I can't imagine how hard it is but him still living in the same house isn't going to help you move on, he may have been able to move on quickly, but thats coz this was all his decision.

As for the new gf, do not give her the satisfaction of your anger, besides your ex may see it as 'proof' he's done the 'right thing' its amazing how many people can justify their actions like that:mad::mad:

Big Hugs to you hun xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Pinkfairywings

Thanks for all the advice.

74jax - stupidly I have splept with him since the break up as he said he wanted to try again, I understand my stupidity for believing this and it wont be happening again!

Redman30 - i know that I shouldnt blame her, it's just so hard! Will just try and stay calm!

diyfamilylaw - the house is going on the market on thurday so we both agree about that part thankfully!

I cant really move out as I have no where to go and cant afford the rent and mortgage. I am going to try and get him to talk tonight and ask if he can move out because its just too hard seeing him moving on. No matter how hard being on my own is I know I have to move on and seeing him/being his friend doesnt seem an option

Plans_all_plans

If it were me I'd disappear off for a bit and let him worry bout how he'll pay the mortgage on his own for a while. If he still lives there they'll chase him for the money first. He might buck his ideas up then.