Splitting up - Help

Person_one

What an absolute waste of space pathetic excuse for a human being.

If any other man you were not in a relationship with got in the shower or your bed with you how would you react? Would you scream? Call the police? This is sexual harassment at the very least and possibly something worse. You could call the Womens Aid helpline where the staff are very well up on legal matters relating to relationships and might be able to give you some guidance.

You definitely need a lock on your bathroom door. Your bedroom too, and it should be a yale or something that you can lock behind you when you leave and take the key.

I realise I might be massively over reacting here, but to me all your ex's behaviour suggests that he enjoys exerting control over you and wielding his power. Rape, despite what a lot of people might think is all about power not sexual desire, and your ex's actions are so far out of line that I would be very worried about what he might do next.

I don't want to scare you OP, I just really really want your next update to be a more positive one.

ETA: Is the house on the market? Has anything happened regarding the practical side of things? You clearly can't stay under the same roof for much longer but it would be so wrong if you had to be the one to leave when you are so clearly the innocent party here.

[Deleted User]

Tell him that if he continues to behave like this one of u will HAVE to move out, and if necessary u will get legal assistance to make sure its him not u (unless u want to pay rent to get some emotional peace and quiet.., this may seem more attractive than the financial problems it will cause, given his behaviour). Remind him that he wanted to end the relationship. I suspect he is also confused as to what he wants (rather than being a evil so and so).., but confusion does not mean that he wants to restart the relationship I am afraid and if u react as he temporarily wants, u would probably be heading for a big fall.., so be careful. I suspect he is a bit self involved.., and not sure how to handle this himself. However, again, don't let yourself get drawn into his mental quandry, it doesn't work. Been there, done it and it just was a disaster and I was really the only one who paid the price.

And yes, I agree, get a lock for the bathroom and bedroom, they're not difficult to install (one of the slide locks as apposed to a chubb key lock which is more difficult to install.., all u need is something to stop him waltzing in when he feels like it.

You are doing so well in a very difficult situation. Continue making yourself feel good as you are.., even knowing there are going to be some difficult days. Let them show u that this man just isn't for you. Remember, if he was 'your best friend' in reality, he'd be thinking of your feelings rather than his own and reducing the emotional distress u are feeling rather than making it even worse.

lizfrance

"If a another woman takes your man, the best revenge you can get is to let her keep him". YES! YES! YES!

This is my first time in a forum , I was shocked to see an almost identical scenario to my own situation.
I have been married for 43 years, 66 years of age and found my husbands infidelities on a supposed deleted e-mail, to his girlfriend.This apparently has been going on for a year!
The forum answers, to the lady's questions 'of what to do now', are sound advice. Move on, I have to and it is more difficult when children and grandchildren are closely involved. I am also in a foreign country just to compound matters. Divorce, is my only option, signing up to Martin Lewis site, is very helpful, at least you are not alone!

[Deleted User]

I just want to point out that while I did say he may be confused, I did NOT suggest his confusion should be given any sympathy whatsoever, or any different outcome to a straight no and putting locks on your doors, quite the opposite. Please read the post carefully. This is not what I implied.

Steel_2

deannatrois wrote: »

I just want to point out that while I did say he may be confused, I did NOT suggest his confusion should be given any sympathy whatsoever, or any different outcome to a straight no and putting locks on your doors, quite the opposite. Please read the post carefully. This is not what I implied.

I suggest you read posts more carefully. I don't recall disagreeing with you at any time.

Why are you reading criticisms about yourself into other people's posts when they don't exist?

This...

"Whether or not he is confused (as some other posters have suggested)..."

...is a statement, not a criticism.

I had not discussed the possibility of the OP's other half being confused at the start of my post (his confusion is entirely plausible and is often the source of people behaving like idiots in relationships) so I gave credit for the suggestion where credit was due - to those other posters who mentioned it first. However I couldn't be bothered to go back and find out exactly who had mentioned it first.

Shoot me.

Pinkfairywings

Thank you for all the advice! I am definatly going to get locks put on the bathroom and bedroom. I know it is wrong when he just waltzes in and at least this way it will stop him!

I also know I must try and stay away from him as much as possible on the days he is with me. I am a member of the gym so as Steel says I will get up early and go then I wont see him! I also work flexi time so am trying to stay late so there is less time we are in the house together

I really dont want him back, my pride wouldnt let me, but it is so hard watching him move on and still using me emotionally! I just wish I could cut all ties! The house has been on the market about 4 weeks now but with no interest I cant financially afford to rent and pay the mortgage and bills so will say if it gets any worse that I will either move out and stop paying or he can go! His parents can be quite arsey so I know its mainly them saying they wont have him, rather than OH. But he should stand up to them and go!

I would love to email her and tell her the whole truth but I dont want to lower myself no matter how much I want to Will stay strong for now!

Fingers crossed the estate agents will phone with someone desperate to look at the house! I just want to move on with my life without him in it! ahh men!

neneromanova

Is there any chance you can lower the price of the house for a quicker sale?

Person_one

Pinkfairywings wrote: »

Thank you for all the advice! I am definatly going to get locks put on the bathroom and bedroom. I know it is wrong when he just waltzes in and at least this way it will stop him!

I also know I must try and stay away from him as much as possible on the days he is with me. I am a member of the gym so as Steel says I will get up early and go then I wont see him! I also work flexi time so am trying to stay late so there is less time we are in the house together

I really dont want him back, my pride wouldnt let me, but it is so hard watching him move on and still using me emotionally! I just wish I could cut all ties! The house has been on the market about 4 weeks now but with no interest I cant financially afford to rent and pay the mortgage and bills so will say if it gets any worse that I will either move out and stop paying or he can go! His parents can be quite arsey so I know its mainly them saying they wont have him, rather than OH. But he should stand up to them and go!

I would love to email her and tell her the whole truth but I dont want to lower myself no matter how much I want to Will stay strong for now!

Fingers crossed the estate agents will phone with someone desperate to look at the house! I just want to move on with my life without him in it! ahh men!

I wouldn't stop paying the mortgage. If he stops too or doesn't start paying your half then it could affect both your credit ratings. I think you need to stay put and if he has family in the area he should be the one doing the right thing and leaving.

I split up with my partner recently and although I had the right to stay in our flat I went back to my mum and dad. I had somewhere to go and he didn't and I want things to stay as amicable as possible while we deal with the finances, staying under the same roof affects that. I don't want to be at home, I'd rather have been able to keep my lovely flat and all my nice furniture etc but sometimes you have to just put up and shut up. That's what he needs to do now.

Sorry if you've mentioned this already, but can either of you afford to buy the other out? How much equity is in the property? Do you or him earn enough to take on the mortgage alone? A transfer of equity is a quicker process than a sale if its at all possible.

As for telling the other girl what he's up to...I wouldn't do it right now, she'll just think you're the bitter ex who still wants him and it will cause more aggro which you don't need! But after the dust has settled I think it would be a kindness to drop her a line telling her how your ex behaved towards you while supposedly in a relationship with her. She may have gone into this innocently and if so she deserves to know what she might be getting herself into! You might just get ignored or ranted at, but you'll have the moral high ground.

Pinkfairywings

I think we may have to lower the price, but its not on at much more than we paid (only bought it Oct 09). I need to come out with something, but we can drop by about 5k, although im not sure this is enough to look cheap

Pinkfairywings

Person_One - We have looked in to him buying me out, but the mortgage company wouldn't agree to it as they said the multiples were to high for him. I earn less so there is no chance of me doing it
I am not being horrible in staying I really have no where else to go! I think he is just being awkward, and unlike yourself wont leave 'his' house behind If we dont sell soon then he is going to have to look at going, his parents are only up the road, but at least life would be easier for us both! Thanks for the help